Rosie Reviews: The Bachelor fart heard across the world.

Rosie Waterland shares her thoughts on the Bachelor contestant who ‘accidentally’ farted on the first date.

I promised myself I wouldn’t write about anything Bachelor-related in between Aussie Bachelor seasons. (A girl needs her down-time, you know? There’s nothing like watching TV while drinking wine in your underpants and not having to worry about taking notes about the way Bachie’s muscles glean in the sun.)

But yesterday, a contestant on the New Zealand series of The Bachelor made me want to break my silence. Because yesterday, a contestant on the New Zealand series of The Bachelor revealed herself to be a stone-cold GENIUS.

Her name is Poppy, and Poppy let one pop.

Basically, Poppy was on her first date with Kiwi Bachie, and she ‘accidentally’ farted. She arrived at a romantic beach for her date with Muscles with a Head, and when she bent over to sit down, a massive burst of gas exploded out of her arse.

It was heaven. And if I had been recapping that episode I may have died of a pleasure overload right there and then.

Watch the moment here:

Now, Poppy has been trending worldwide on the Internet for her ‘embarrassing blunder’. Stories have been published all over the place about how lucky she is that Kiwi Bachie took her butt explosion with so much good humour.

But I don’t think Poppy has anything to be worried about. In fact, I think Poppy planned the whole thing, as the ultimate test of Kiwi Bachie’s true character and possible compatibility with her.

Poppy tested Kiwi Bachie, and Kiwi Bachie passed. Poppy is an epic flatulent feminist.

I’m not joking, people. I once wrote about the non-negotiable need I have to be able to fart in front of my boyfriends. That need was born out of the time I farted in front of a partner who was SO disgusted, he proceeded to get up, walk away from me and WASH HIS HANDS. I was so mortified I never farted in front of him again. (Seriously, read the story here – this guy was ridiculous.)

Now, given that I like to fart as and when the need arises, my boyfriend’s reaction to my letting one rip should have been a fairly solid indication that we weren’t meant to be. But I ignored his bizarre hand washing, and went on to waste TWO YEARS with that guy!

This is why Poppy is a genius. In farting in front of Kiwi Bachie, she came up with the ideal first date. I know that traditionally, the perfect first date includes romance and perfection and kissing in the rain and your face looking like it’s been through a real-life Instagram filter. But that’s actually the worst kind of first date you can have.

The perfect first date is one where you LAY ALL YOUR SHIT BARE. Every awkward, embarrassing, secret thing about you – just put it all on the table, my friend. And if your would-be lover still wants to be with you by the end of the night… Well then, you’ve found your soul mate.

Poppy knows this. Poppy let one pop to see if she and Kiwi Bachie were meant to be. Poppy is one shewd, sneaky contestant, who wasn’t going to waste her time on a man if he insisted on washing his hands after she farted.

Because in a long-term relationship, farts are coming. You cannot spend 50-60 years of your life with someone without ever farting in his or her presence. You will actually, literally die. Getting the gas out of the way on the first date just means that you avoid accidentally letting one slip out later at a really inopportune time, like halfway through watching Schindler’s List.

If I were to lay all my shit bare on the first date, this is what it would look like:

My legs would not be shaved, because let’s face it – once you’re in a long-term relationship, you only shave your legs if you’re planning on wearing a skirt tomorrow. I’d also tell him that I’m going to cook dinner, then I’d either put two Lean Cuisines in the microwave or order something from Menulog. No point pretending I can cook when I know I never will.

I’d admit that I recently had to call my sister to ask her how to clean a toilet, because at 28 years of age, I’d never actually done it, and mine was starting to turn black. Then I’d take my phone out, and I’d show him every photo I’d decided against putting on Instagram because of my double chin (that I’m convinced I can hide if I just make sure every photo of me on the planet is taken at exactly the right angle).

Appearance-wise, I wouldn’t wear make-up, and I’d let my hair just air-dry after getting out of the shower. That’s the ‘look’ he’s going to be seeing 98% of the time for the rest of our lives, so I might as well whip it out upfront.

There would also be no fancy lingerie. If I’m basing a first date on what I’ll likely do every day during the rest of our relationship, then I’ll wear a mismatched sports bra and undies. And the elastic on the undies would be stretched to the point of disintegration, not to mention the faded period stain that never quite came out in the wash.

Finally, I would be completely open about the weird shit I do when I’m alone. No point trying to hide it if we’re going to be married until we’re 90. For example, I plan and then proceed to practice Oscars acceptance speeches in the shower. Also, sometimes I take my laptop to the toilet and end up sitting there for an hour. It just feels right to me. How could I end up with a guy who won’t let me relax with my laptop on the toilet?

LAY ALL YOUR SHIT BARE ON THE FIRST DATE PEOPLE. Don’t waste time on someone who doesn’t pass your fart test.

Poppy is all of us – if all of us were more honest. Let’s all be more like Poppy, and hopefully find the partner of our dreams. Oh, except for The Bachelor thing. Probably don’t go on The Bachelor if you’re looking for lasting love. But definitely fart on the first date.

And if Poppy writes a book on dating advice, I’m buying it immediately. As should all of you. Because mark my words: That fart was intentional.

Follow Rosie Waterland on Facebook right here. (Please. She would really like some friends.)