'I know this sounds awful, but your New Year's resolution is ruining the gym for me.'

New Year has well and truly begun. We’ve got past the most depressing day of the year and are midway through the month. Aside from ‘Veganuary’ (yawn, pass me a burger) and ‘Januhairy’ (not for me, pass me the razor), it’s officially ‘Gymuary’, where we see bulging numbers at the gym as folks come through on their resolutions: eat healthier, and exercise more.

The problem is, the gym is a pretty territorial place – it is for me anyway. These newbies turn up in their old t-shirt and faded leggings, and that’s just the men. Personally, a large proportion of my monthly spend goes on gym-wear. Sure, I also started off all blasé like, ‘hey, I don’t need no $80 leggings to work out’. But you know what? I work out so much better in ‘proper’ stuff. It fits better, lasts longer and having been on the receiving end of a ‘downward dog’, I can concede that fashion leggings are far too sheer to make for suitable gymwear.

My main bugbear – as awful as it sounds – is that the newbies are ‘in the way’ – they’re booking up all of my classes, they’re fannying around on ‘my’ equipment. Don’t even get me started on the locker situation. Just like with parking spaces at the shopping centre, I have a preferred locker at the gym and I get very annoyed if I turn up to find it occupied.

Add to the above, the people STEALING my spot front and centre in all the gym classes. I’ve got seniority here. I’ve been showing up to these classes year long and have earned my space.

The six types of people you find at the gym. Post continues after video.

There is of course a softer side to me – I was once that person wandering aimlessly between pieces of machinery unsure about levels and levers, so I will always try to help newbies navigate the equipment.

And at the end of the day, I know that a lot of the newcomers will drop out by the end of January. If you’re one of the committed few, however, welcome to the cult. This time next year, I guarantee you’ll be having the same shameful feelings as I am.

Just remember my locker is number 208.

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