Don’t surrender yourself to the annual January ‘I suck’ campaign.

I’m on a diet. This is what is happening.

As I sit and write this, I’m sipping a smoothie. According to My Fitness Pal, it only contains 257 calories. This is excellent because also according to My Fitness Pal, I must consume less than 1200 calories a day in order to lose 800 grams per week, which means I will be four kilos lighter by February.

So yes, I’m being sucked into the dungeon of the downtrodden who’ve failed over the festive season and eaten one too many slices of plum pudding. Consequently, my once loose denim jeans, now look like they’ve been applied to my posterior like spray paint. Extensive global research indicates you’re probably feeling the exact same way and there’s a bucket load of money to be made out of our misery.

“Why you shouldn’t diet just because it’s January.”

The good news is, my smoothie is delicious! It has watermelon, low-fat yoghurt, a shot of coconut protein powder, some berry flavoured alkalising thing my PT recommended, strawberries and kale.

Kale is a super food. A super disgusting food that you should never eat.

If you’re media savvy, or you’ve just been alive the past three weeks, you’ll have noticed every magazine and lifestyle website contains a diet that will CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Apparently, we women aren’t feeling rotten enough about ourselves already, so an onslaught of new diet tips should suffice, oh and up the pressure for us to be ‘perfect’.

There are multiple mutations of the Paleo diet kicking around. It’s easy too: you just have to ditch dairy, processed foods, sugar, carbohydrates and anything else remotely tasty, and you’ll be on the Victoria’s Secret runway in no time.

We’re calling it: this is the most ridiculous dieting trend of the year.

If you’re wanting something a little less intense, you could try the ‘Only Eat Ice Cream’ diet. I kid you not. THIS is a THING. The trick is, whenever you eat, you must also be walking. No cookies and cream on the couch, that’s cheating. But inhale some salted caramel gelato, and as long as you’re on the move, you’re on your way to Thin Town. Um…

“I’m not buying the whole ‘protein’ thing.”

I am puzzled why we women continue to buy this rubbish… every year. Making people feel inadequate is big business. Jenny Craig is laughing all the way to the bank and it’s a fabulous time to own Fitness First. (Please note: I am a member at Fitness First, they even know my name.)

Fact: Dieting makes you dumber.

So yes, like millions of women, I jump on scales from time-to-time and I watch what I eat. However, I beg of you, resist the temptation to plonk yourself in front of a mirror naked and analyse your every flaw. I’ve done it, it’s confronting and the antithesis of fun.

The truth is, the secret to slimming down is a piece o’ cake. Not actual cake. Unless it’s sponge cake, which is surprisingly low in calories.

“The truth to dieting is a piece of cake. But not actual cake. Unless it’s sponge.”

Seriously though, if you want to lose weight you don’t need a food fad. You just need to eat healthily and exercise more. Every athlete is testament to my theory. People who exercise and eat right aren’t porkers. Sure, you’ve tossed back a few too many champers over the summer break, and been responsible for the disappearance of an infinite number of rum balls, but unless you’re hoovering down a hot dog with hot chips and a strawberry thick shake as you read this, then give yourself a break.

Every human body is a scientific masterpiece. YOU are a masterpiece. YOU were the sperm who got to the egg first. Your brain processes millions of thoughts and functions every day without you even batting an eye lid. So please, don’t surrender yourself to the annual January ‘I suck’ campaign.

Just be like J Law and love yourself.

Be conscious of your body, and what it’s telling you, but be conscious of your self-esteem as well. Being a good person with bingo wings is way better than being a skinny psychopath.

I must say, I am grateful for one thing that’s sent our social media into overdrive the last few years – embracing the big booty. You’re only going to hear me say this once: Kim Kardashian, I salute you! My hope for 2015 is that some sexy celebrity makes tuck shop arms and muffin tops hip. I live in hope.