Image source: Bridesmaids
For the majority of people, hopping on a plane is an ingenious way of covering large distances while picking up some cut-price M.A.C make-up.
For the other estimated 25-40% of the population, the plane is about as appealing as a trip to an STI clinic where you’re examined by a male model and told your vagina has fallen off.
In theory, we know the odds of survival are excellent. Recent US research showed that travelling by motorbike is 3000 times more deadly than flying, and car 100 times more so. You’re more likely to be killed by a shark, lightning, or even falling out of bed than a plane. But none of this rational stuff matters when you’re clinging onto your armrest for dear life.
Sound familiar? Here are the secret signs that you belong in a no-fly zone:
1. You’d rather get a UTI than risk getting up from your seat to use the toilet.
2. Plane smell. It’s a thing. And it’s evil.
3. You’ve studied the flight safety card in more detail than the Facebook profile of the guy you’re dating.
4. When booking an early morning flight, your biggest concern isn’t the ungodly hour you’ll have to get up – it’s whether the bar will be open.
5. You’ve actually practiced the brace position. For fun.
6. Joining the Mile High Club is about as thrilling a sexual prospect as getting told you have to lose your virginity all over again.
7. Sensing your nerves, you may have been asked if you’d like to meet the captain. You politely decline. You’re sure they are very lovely, but averting the eyes of the person keeping the plane in the air AWAY from the controls is not your idea of reassurance.
8. Getting frisked by security is actually one of the more enjoyable elements of your journey.