By EM RUSCIANO
Do you let your kids view your junk? Do you get your lady garden out with wild abandon for all the family to see? Have your bapps on display? Do your testicles feel the cool summer breeze as you stroll through the house of a morning waiting for your shirt to dry? Do your children not bat an eyelid while they eat their weetbix?
Or do you hide away? Do you strap that shit up and dive for cover at the sound of their voices? Do you lock the doors when you need to take your clothes off?
I believe there are two types of families in this world, nudes and never-nudes.
It is a fragile and precious thing to be a part of a nude household. All it takes is for one 10-year-old to say you look floppy and BOOM! Pack up your tits and dicks friends, it’s game over; never-nude land awaits.
This happened to a lady in the UK named Angela Epstein.
She once enjoyed being naked in her own home. Now thanks to her daughter Sophie, she is writing articles called: “Why wobbly middle aged Mums should NEVER let their daughters see them naked.”
Basically Ange had had a bitch of a day and she just wanted to have a relaxing bath to try and soothe her frazzled nerves (I feel ya, Ange). As she was stepping into her lovely bath, her 10-year-old daughter Sophie came in. Ange thought nothing of it, as they often had chats while she got ready for bed or work and most of the time this involved her being naked.
Sophie had never made a big deal about it or even mentioned the no clothes situation.
Angela noticed that Sophie was casting a critical eye over her body and she eased into her glorious bath. Against her better judgement she asked:
“What? What is it?”
“Sorry Mum but… You’re just so… SO (heavy sigh, eye roll, head flick) FLOPPY.”
Angela writes: “Floppy? Floppy? If ever there was a word a naked woman wants to have expunged from the English language, then floppy has to be it.”
Preach it, sista gurl.
So because of this incident Ange has vowed to NEVER, EVER be nude around her child around.
She is a prisoner in her clothes because of this one comment.
Is this a thing? Has a cruel jibe from a small person caused you to be a never-nude?
My youngest once said to me: “Why does your tummy have bumps and lines on it?”
I said they were my battle scars from giving birth to her 9.5-pound self. Now we both sing “These Battlescaaaaaaars” Guy Sebastian-style whenever I’m nude in front of her.