Warning: Partially naked ladies ahead.
Last weekend, I was at a music festival in Bendigo, Victoria.
Given the weather forecast was an ‘I might lose my toes’ 11 degrees, I presumed most of the people attending would resemble gigantic marshmallows. I borrowed my brother’s fleece denim jacket and popped my black jeans on. I made a special trip to Sportsgirl to buy some knitted gloves, a beanie, and a backpack to carry all my ‘in case of hypothermia’ layers around.
You literally could not find a more covered woman if you tried.
And that’s why I felt like a smug, old, judgemental, boring nun when I saw girls wander past wearing nothing but love-heart stickers on their nipples and body chains.
One girl had cut an entire leg of her jeans out to expose her g-string and, therefore, her left bum cheek and immaculate bikini-line wax.
Another woman was wearing a necklace as a bra with a set of bejewelled undies to match.
Sure, these scantily-clad women looked like whimsical fairies. They weren’t all waif-like, either. The free the nipple crew was as diverse as the marshmallow women. I saw one woman paint a huge, glittery smiley across her belly and stretch marks. She looked mesmerising.
As the barely-clothed women walked by – and there were hundreds of them – I couldn’t help but feel sad. Here we were, in icy-cold temperatures, and every man was donned in winter gear. Sturdy boots and warm coats. Jumpers. Thermals.
The only people at that festival who felt the need to bare their chests, bums and thighs were the people with fallopian tubes.
Many of those women were so cold they left the festival early.
I felt that same sadness when I saw Kendall Jenner’s latest “naked dress” red carpet look, where her areolas were the statement accessory this weekend.
The 22-year-old model was attending the Chopard Party at the Cannes Film Festival (I hear it was “secret” and trés fancy) and she was, well, a fingernail away from being stark naked. Her ‘dress’ was little more than a piece of sheer, metallic fabric pinned together, carefully draped over her bare chest and seamless g-string.