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Random recap: The Backstreet Boys' Backstreet's Back video.

Carly Mitchell is the winner of Mamamia Women’s Network and HarperCollins Publisher Writing Competition in the Culture category. Chosen from over 800 entries, here is her first submitted story, about… the Backstreet Boys. 

Throw your hands up in the air if you’re excited that Backstreet Boys and ‘NSync stars are set to film a zombie horror western together (then wave them around like you just don’t care). It’d be remiss, however, to ignore BSBs horror story roots. No, not Nick Carter’s bowl haircut, but the cinematic masterpiece that is the Backstreet’s Back music video.

Relive the glory (Post continues after video):

Video via Jive Records

It’s a dark and stormy night at Count Duckula’s mansion, where the BSB crew are not only chewing scenery but gobbling it down with gusto when their driver informs them they have to stay the night after their ‘Hammin’ It Up ‘97’ tour bus breaks down.

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

The boys attempt to catch some shuteye but they’re soon transported into a shared nightmare sequence where they have to perform a synchronised dance routine dressed as Mills & Boon romance protagonists.

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

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There’s also a lady in a red dress whose sole purpose is to stand in a hallway and test out Beyoncé’s wind machines. I’ve decided her name’s Clarissa and she owns the mansion, but these five nerds turned up to her Halloween party, drank all her beer and played Monster Mash ten times in a row. Now she’s plotting silent revenge.

"Once I get out of this wind tunnel I'm going to murder you all."
“Once I get out of this wind tunnel I’m going to murder you all.”

The boys all morph into terrifying creatures that sing and pelvic thrust their way around the place. Brian has become a Pimp Werewolf, AJ is the Phantom of the Opera, Howie is Dracula, Nick is a mummy and Kevin is Donald Trump. Only kidding, he’s a two-faced lizard monster. Wait…

Mostly the guys are just really keen for everyone to rock their bodies and take a short questionnaire: 1) Am I original? 2) Am I the only one? 3) Am I sexual? (Well, that escalated quickly). But AJ is also hosting his own Restaurant Rules dinner soiree where it seems he really took that Ratatouille movie to heart.

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Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

Not to be outdone, Brian has decided that being a PimpWolf isn’t original enough (he obviously authorised the questionnaire), so now he’s a gymnast PimpWolf. He flips his way through Clarissa’s mansion like he’s qualifying for the spooky Olympics, culminating in some gravity-defying tricks that astronauts only wish they had up their sleeves.

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

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Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

Meanwhile, Clarissa is still L’Oréal’ing in the hallway, narrowly missing being kicked in the head by an energetic PimpWolf, but not fortunate enough to fend off an overly amorous vampire. Clarissa’s stoic but on the inside the Kill Bill sirens are going off and she’s wondering how inconspicuous she can be whittling a stake out of the wooden paneling. “Throw a party, Clarissa!” her friends said. “It’ll be fun!” they said. Poor Clarissa doesn’t even get to join in with the dance routine, and if Suddenly 30 has taught us anything, that’s the only way to get a shindig rocking.

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The boys continue to dance and flip and let rodents poop in the roast dinner, but there are other flashes of brilliance scattered throughout such as:

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

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Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

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The boys finally wake up from their nightmare and decide to get the hell out of dodge, lest they unwittingly indulge in another phantasmagorical five-way (which could work as a new band name or be their answer to number three on the questionnaire).

Just as they’re about to leave, their bus driver returns for one last fright.

Backstreet Boys

Backstreet Boys (Everybody)

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Carly Mitchell is in her early 30s, currently working in retail and singing her favourite song: ‘I’m gonna write a YA novel one day, I swear!’ (The dance remix feat. Pitbull out soon). She also has a Bachelor of Primary Education, a Diploma of Professional Writing and Editing, worked as a storyliner for Neighbours for a year and has a HECS debt that would make Satan cry. This is her story *insert Law & Order dundun sound effect here*

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