THIS is the talk every mother needs to have with her daughters.
As my daughter moves through adolescence and toward adulthood, there are a few critical things I want her to know about marriage. While I want her to find true love in her life, I can’t sell her fairytale dreams of pretty white dresses and Prince Charming.
Marrying the wrong person is often devastating, especially for women. The truth is, marriage isn’t always right for everyone.
The origins of marriage rise out of a dark history. And even in modern times, research suggests that divorce hurts women, financially, far more than it does men. It’s time for parents to talk to their children — particularly their daughters — about healthy, modern-day marriage and what that means.
So here are four essential lessons I’m trying to teach my daughter before she ever considers marriage:
1. Don’t settle.
No really, DON’T FREAKIN’ SETTLE! Maybe all of your friends are getting married, so you want to as well. Yet, you haven’t met someone who you really want to spend your life with, so you settle for a guy who wants you (unsure about your true feelings). You’re going to regret it, big time.
Settle on a pair of shoes or even a car, but don’t settle on your life partner. This decision is the most important one you will make in your life; your life partner dictates how you will raise your family, financial status, career, and without question your enjoyment of life. How can you settle on such an important decision? Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg has, frequently, discussed how important it is to pick the right life partner, as the key to personal and professional success. Take her advice and choose wisely.
2. Don’t change for him.
Many of my clients are going through a divorce and often their biggest regret is, pretending they were someone else in order to find a partner. Once they got married, they sought out themselves and that led to problems in their relationships. If you change yourself for a partner, when are you comfortable in your own skin? The answer … never. Look for a life partner who will love you for who you truly are. It’s reasonable to make changes in a relationship, in order to get along better, but it isn’t reasonable to pretend charade as someone we aren’t in exchange for love. Have a voice, use it, and let the people who don’t like your voice leave. They weren’t meant for you anyway.
3. “Red flags when you meet him, turn into billboards when you marry him.”
A quote from one of my extremely wise clients. Bottom line, if you see trouble when you’re first dating someone, don’t assume that those problems will, magically, disappear when you get married. They won’t! If you can’t live with any issues that a prospective partner brings to the table, end the relationship. Seriously, end it now. We all bring some baggage with us, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can “love him out” of his. You can’t and you shouldn’t try. Love him as he is, or let him go.
4. Don’t fall into “traditional gender roles”, unless you both agree that’s what you want.
Your career is as important as his, and his involvement in parenting is as important as yours. Studies show that couples are often happier with more fluid, less traditional roles. Think carefully about how you want your life to proceed within a marriage. A woman’s financial independence is crucial if a marriage ends in divorce or if her spouse dies. Too many women readily give up our earning potential … often to devastating results.
On the other side, men also need comfort around raising their children, regardless of having a partner in life or not. Helping each other toward being, both, financially capable and involved parents is good for your relationship and family. It doesn’t unduly burden either person — it allows you to share so much more that life has to offer.
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The GOOD news about modern marriage is — we can make it what we want.
Women are in control of their destinies and our daughters can learn this from a very young age, just as long as we lead by example.
Planning whom they want to spend their life with is one of their most important goals in life. Marriage is no longer an absolute or must do. Marriage is optional and, thus, allows women to choose wisely the first time, or completely opt out of marriage entirely. Our daughters need our support in understanding these choices and making them wisely.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist and life coach at Smart Women Inspired Lives. She helps women get happy, get motivated, and get moving in ways they hadn’t thought possible. Lisa is a professional speaker and blogger and has been featured on Yahoo, Thought Catalog, MSN, Lifetime Moms, Your Tango, and Psychology Today. Lisa is a married mother of three and a joyful dog owner.
You can visit her website, twitter, Facebook, pinterest and instagram.
This article originally appeared here on Your Tango and was republished here with full permission.
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Top Comments
Four things sons should know before marriage:
1. Women lead the charge to the altar and initiate divorce in over 80% of cases. Be sure she wants to marry you rather than wants to be married.
2. Over half of marriages end in divorce. You buy house and car insurance, strongly consider a prenup or arrangement of your finances in a matter that ensures you won't be wiped out if the marriage fails.
3. The "price of sex" with women has never been lower. It used to cost a wedding ring back in 1950s, to going steady, to three dates, to a couple of drinks to now just swiping an app on your phone. It's now not worth the price of commitment just on its own. Ask what real value does she bring to the relationship besides sex and don't settle for sentiment.
4. It's normal she will shit test you from time to time with random relationship questions. You don't have to do this back, but when she says she wants to be your best friend, ask yourself if she is really saying she wants to be your only friend.
For an Aussie guy there is little in it for you to get married these days, that's why marriage rates continue to trend down to historic lows. There are a lot of risks for you. Feminists long wanted men to think with their big heads for a change and men actually did. Then they figured out that today marriage basically is a mystery flight to somewhere that might be good with an even chance of the plane crashing. You may find yourself happier, richer and free to concentrate on self improvement and chasing your ambitions by just going your own way.
Wow, what a read. I don't disagree. But you have summed up so much about modern relations in so few words.
It makes me think - gosh... have we as women destroyed the prospect of real, deep and lasting love in our pursuit for "freedom"? What have we gained in giving away so much?
I waited to be going steady in order to spend the night with my partner, we were about 2 months in and decided we were exclusive, but it's probably not the normal these days?
Horses for courses but I wonder if women who have embraced the feminist message to have sex like a man really feel happier after a lot of random, meaningless sex, or would your average female exchange 10 one night stands for just 1 guy who loves her and wants to build a relationship with her?
Pew Research in the US has tracked men's and women's happiness since the 1970s. Whilst men are basically static, women report being more unhappy decade upon decade. Has feminism backfired?