real life

Much to my mother's dismay, I am not asking for child support.

By Melanie for Divorced Moms

My husband and I separated two months ago and much to everyone’s dismay, I am not asking him for child support for our three children (I will give you a moment to gasp).

Hear me out! Divorce is a messy business and not for the faint of heart. I should know as this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. The trickiest part, at least with my ex, is keeping this civil for the children.

Each and every day I wake up and make the decision to show him grace even though I spent the last 10 years of my life in a very unhealthy relationship. Extending grace is a selfless strength and is what separates the women from the girls. Putting your children’s needs above your own is a must.

No one walks away from a divorce unscathed, especially the kids. Who after all, are completely innocent and dragged through the consequences of our failed marriage.

When did you know it was time for a divorce? Post continues after video…

So why am I not asking for child support?

I assure you, it is not because I am rich or well off. I make ends meet, yes, but am I thriving? Heck no! But I am making it and we need for nothing.

I am choosing not to ask him for child support because ultimately, it is best for my kids.

We have agreed to share the cost of child related expenses i.e. daycare, but he does not owe me any money after that point. The way I see it is, if he is handing me over hundreds of dollars a month, how is he ever going to move on?

My ex has a good job but he is not made of dough. It is much healthier for my kids to see him establish himself so they have two healthy parents thriving in society. Would the extra money help me? Absolutely! However, would him setting up a life with my children on his time benefit my kids? Most definitely.

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I want him to have a place they can go and feel safe. I want him to be able to plan day trips and mini vacations with them. I want him to be able to find a woman and have the funds to date her. I want him to be happy. A happy father and a happy mother, regardless if they are together, will result in happy children.

Since when do we work under the mentality that because you have children with a man, you need to take him for all he is worth? If you let a trivial thing such as money run your divorce, you will spearhead a nasty divorce.

I am not advocating for women who cannot make ends meet to not ask for support for their children. At the end of the day, each situation is different and unique and should be treated as such. Wake up every day and take the challenge head on and ask yourself, what is best for the kids? If it is best for the kids to receive child support so their needs are met? Then definitely, ask for, hell, demand child support. If you think that you have to receive child support because that is what people do in a divorce, then question your motives and again…what is best for the kids?

I know that there are better, easier days for me and that is what keeps me going. I know one day, my kids won’t be in daycare and that is thousands of dollars a year I won’t have to dish out. I know there will be a day that they will be excited to go see their father and come home telling me what great memories they made with him. That is my end game, that is why I have no intention of fighting over details of what he “owes” me.

Rather, I am setting the tone right off the bat that him and I are parents together, even if we failed at a marriage. We made three beautiful humans together and together it is our job to raise them to be complete people. We may no longer fit the mold of a “traditional” family but him and I, will always be my children’s family. I will make sure of it.

This post originally appeared on Divorced Mums and was republished here with full permission.

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