Instagram is one of those platforms that can be delightful or deeply frustrating depending on how you use it.
Follow the right people and your day will be regularly lit up with funny memes, empowering quotes, and interesting snaps of travel, fashion, food, celebrities, animals, and most importantly, babies.
Without Instagram I may never have known about Sonny’s first haircut. Jokes, I have snapchat.
But follow the wrong people (or, if you’re a truly sick person like me, manually stalk the wrong people), and Instagram can be a very different experience.
Being insufferable on Instagram started with the duck face selfies, the bikini shots, and the obscenely pre-prepared food photos. But as it evolves, people find new ways to be annoying.
‘Why follow them?’, you might ask. ‘Just don’t look at what particular people post if it frustrates you so much’, the logical people of the world argue. Well, to you I say – get off your high horse. If you’ve never read a Miranda Devine op ed, or listened to Alan Jones on the radio, or followed Kim Kardashian on snapchat, with the singular intention of getting yourself all worked up, I don’t believe you are a real human. Or, you know, maybe you’re just a better person than I am. So, congrats.
The ‘extreme-to-the-point-of-not-making-sense’ hippy.
Hippies are back, and they’re all about flower crowns, being naked, frolicking in nature, practicing meditation, and that effortlessly-laid-back-but-that’s-easy-because-you-have-a-perfect-face-anyway look (you know the one). Good viiiiiibes. Positive thouuuughts. Peeeeace. Genetically friggin’ blessed.
Sure, this can get a little grating, but having some hippy stuff on your Instagram doesn’t necessarily make you #TheWorst.
But being a hippy on Instagram who makes no sense – and therefore does nothing for your audience other than confuse them – now THAT makes you #TheWorst.
Behold: An actual quote I actually found on an actual Instagram account.
No. No we can't speak in flowers. Image via Instagram.
I'm no botanist, but flowers don't speak. And even if they did, I don't think an Instagram model from America could understand them.
You see, when it comes to these types of hippies, it's all about image crafting. They're too wild and free for this arbitrary and rigid society we live in. They're too enlightened to speak the language all us plebeians speak. And they're just so profound no one else can understand it.
HOW IS THIS PROFOUND?! Image via Instagram.
I rest my case.
It's often said that when we use apps like Instagram, we're comparing our complex and multifaceted lives to other people's 'highlight reel'. But there's a difference between posting a flattering photo of yourself every now and then, and regularly posting captions like 'Exciting things coming up - watch this space!', accompanied by the hashtags #blessed #soblessed #gratitude. These people have no sympathy for the fact that maybe others aren't having that much of a #blessed day. Maybe we're having a bit of a #f**ked day.
Is there anything worse than getting dumped, only to get on Instagram and see a post from a friend, with the caption: 'I'm soooo lucky to have my wonderful boyfriend. He bought me flowers just because! I love you babe.'
No. No there's not.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO SHARE EVERY MOMENT OF HAPPINESS WITH EVERYONE PEOPLE.
The 'this-may-or-may-not-constitute-porn' Instagrammer.
Even though Instagram quite controversially refuses to #FreeTheNipple, it seems to be fine with other images that closely resemble porn.
But seriously. I'm not going to include any images here because, as far as I know, we're not a porn site, but if you want to look at pornographic images, look no further than some popular Instagram accounts. The most shocking is when a friend, acquaintance, C Grade celebrity or FAMILY MEMBER decides to try their hand at sharing a highly sexual image. And all of a sudden you're looking at the near-naked body of someone you didn't necessarily want to see that way.
'Oh. Hi friend from Year 7. I didn't expect to see your butt...ever. But nice to know you've been working out I guess.'
The person who won't stop telling others how to live their life.
People who constantly give unsolicited life advice are definitely #TheWorst. An inspirational quote every now and then can be lovely. But a relentless barrage of one-liners intended to change peoples lives? Na. No thanks. You're not Gandhi.
What is this really saying?? Image via Instagram.
It just seems a little...patronising. Random person on Instagram - you don't even KNOW me, how do you know you're better at life than I am? How do you know I need to make my 'vision clear'? And the argument, 'I post it as inspiration for myself' makes no sense, because then you wouldn't be posting it to an audience in the first place.
At the moment it's particularly popular to give mental health advice over Instagram. Hashtags like #mindfulness and #meditation are meant to encourage us to be still and practice being in the present moment. Which is ironic, obviously, because scrolling through Instagram is literally the furthest thing from being 'present.'
The 'I-only-take-selfies-from-slightly-different-angles' account.
A wise man once said, 'if your last five Instagram photos are selfies, you're probably a d**k'. I forget where/if I heard that line, but it's absolutely true.
Seeing what your face looks like from 57 different angles isn't particularly interesting. Because that's the thing about faces - it's always going to be your face, and it doesn't really change that much.
Selfies also distract from (presumably) the many exciting things you might be doing.
Take this example from Kim Kardashian:
Helicopter to the top of a glacier in Iceland! No biggie A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on
GIRL - if you are flying over the top of a glacier in Iceland, I want to see the glacier! Not your selfie pose!
So there you have it - the most annoying types of Instagrammers. Of course, ultimately the joke is on me because a lot of people who run these types of accounts make a LIVING out of Instagram, so will probably read this and snigger about the extent to which it does not matter AT ALL whether I'm annoyed.
And to those people I say: Fine. But you still can't speak to flowers.