I’ve never been one for dating ‘rules’.
I remember being yelled at by a friend in Year Nine who was simply horrified I hadn’t bought my boyfriend a present for our one month anniversary.
“But…” I reasoned. “‘Anniversary’ comes from the Latin word ‘annus’ (…lol) meaning ‘year’ and ‘versus’ which means ‘turning’ so ‘anniversary’ means ‘turning yearly’ and WHO THE HELL BUYS THEIR BOYFRIEND SOMETHING AFTER DATING FOR 30 DAYS?”
You see, according to my friend, there were strict dating rules everyone must abide by, and if they didn’t, then society as we know it would fall apart.
Now, years later, I’ve invented my own rules that I shall term ‘The Three Modern Day Dating Tests’.
LISTEN: Can you know you’re in love with someone after two weeks. Holly Wainwright, Rachel Corbett and I debate on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues…
You cannot know for sure that you love someone, until you’ve experienced three very specific scenarios. They will tell you everything you need to know about someone – and then you are free to love them.
1. The ‘wake up covered in period’ test.
This rule is not isolated to periods, but rather involuntarily bodily excretions in general.
I’m talking waking up from a long, romantic sleep with your partner, and discovering you period-ed all over the bed, before looking them in the eye and thinking; “What are you going to do with this situation?”
Do they freak out? Do they go... weird? Are they kind? Do they refuse to look at you for two weeks?
The same goes for food poisoning in a one bedroom hotel room. Or unexplained diarrhoea in their bathroom. Or getting your period during sex.
Liking/being attracted to someone over a candle-lit dinner with a glass of wine is easy. Loving them while they're exploding on a toilet and crying out in pain? THAT'S the real test.
2. The fuel gauge/WIFI test.
If you want to truly know someone, then unplug the WIFI.
Wait until they're 20 minutes into the season finale of something and then BOOM.
In order to fully love someone you need to know how they behave under extreme pressure/stress, and there is nothing as traumatic as losing internet connection at 8pm on Tuesday night.
Alternatively, there's the running-out-of-petrol test, which I highly recommend.
People show their true selves when they have no petrol at all - and there's not a petrol station in the foreseeable future.
3. They meet that cousin.
You know the one.
They're intense and argumentative and maybe they smell a bit funky and no one knows where they've been for 12 months and it's possible if not probable they've been convicted of a crime.
You need to know whether your partner a) argues back/raises an eyebrow/casts judgement OR b) is polite/friendly/listens and joins in with you complaining about them in the car ride home.
When it comes to problematic family members, the rule is; they always need to let YOU SAY IT FIRST.
Once they've passed these tests, then you know you've won the goddamn jackpot.
You can listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here.
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