You pee on the stick, have the blood tests. Positive. Pregnant. Elation or dismay – extremes at either end.
And then, if you choose to continue, the secretive first trimester ensues. “Keep it a secret, in case something goes wrong”.
I was of this mindset. Until it happened to me.
Living in a rural community where everyone knows not only everyone but everything about everyone, meant that keeping my first trimester a secret was perhaps more difficult than that of my metropolitan sisters.
The shared knowledge in a small community is deafening. “She isn’t playing netball anymore” “she didn’t attend function x” “she wasn’t drinking at dinner last night”
Being a sporty but equally social/boozy person, combined with the fact that we found out we were pregnant at two weeks (and therefore had been keeping the “secret” for a loooonnngg time!) made this exceptionally difficult. Thankfully, community members, friends, colleagues and family had the decency to only talk about my “secret” behind my back, rather than speak to my face about it and force me into a crappy lie.
The latter part of this sentence makes no sense in any other circumstance.
We had told immediate family and a handful of close friends. And as we drove to our routine ten week appointment with our obstetrician, we were excitedly discussing maternity leave arrangements and pregnancy announcements.
Obviously the hypochondriac within me was nervous and hoping that our ob/gyn would do our ultrasound ASAP so that I could relax for the rest of the appointment and excitedly ask questions about our growing miracle. I had no symptoms or anything to fear, other than fear itself.
Gel, ultrasound wand, screen, wrong.
Wrong, wrong, wrong. I could tell instantly that the image on the screen was not right. Our little baby looked quite similar to what it had at our six week appointment. It should be four weeks bigger, instead it was one. Our doctor’s face also told the tale. “Things don’t look normal, Emma..”
A missed miscarriage.
The whirl wind of travel, fasting (ergh), surgery, discovery of previously unknown endometriosis, recovery, tears. So many tears. Chocolate, movies, pasta, cuddles, ice cream.