The Twins recap Married at First Sight: 'How dare you bring my kids into this.'

March 23, 2020

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It’s been 24 hours and yes the boys’ night and girls’ night are still going.

More grooms keep arriving, including Luke and David, and how do you… explain… to those who might have missed it… that you were forcibly removed from the experiment after putting actual physical poo on your wife’s toothbrush.

How do you have that… conversation.

Clare and Jessie Stephens

March 23, 2020

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Luckily it doesn't matter, because Michael has another topic he'd like everyone to discuss: Whose wife do you actually wish you were matched with and have you banged them in secret y/n.

Most of the men say they're best suited to Connie, but Jonethen says his pick is Stacey, and THIS IS A TERRIBLE GAME THAT WILL ONLY END IN HURT DO YOU UNDERSTAND.

Michael answers that in terms of looks, he'd choose Stacey, and Chris mutters under his breath, "kissing-wise, Hayley?" and Sir since when do you have a sense of humour.

But shut up because Michael is finished with this game now and he'd like to talk about Aleks and Evarn. More specifically, Evarn's psychopathic web of lies. Here's the gist, according to Michael - an unwaveringly reliable source:

Aleks and Evarn both tell Michael and Josh they're 'shagging'.
Aleks meets a guy. He has a bumbag. Muscles. Tattoos. Not sure why tattoos are relevant.
She starts dating him.
She wakes up and isn’t attracted to Evarn.
Evarn asks Josh and Michael to bring all this up at the dinner party.
Josh and Michael bring up said gossip, and get looked at like they're crazy by Evarn, who continues to deny any of the above happened TO THIS DAY.

It makes no sense and that's what makes it so believable.

When Evarn arrives, he's bombarded with yelling from Michael about how he wasn't loyal to the experiment (um, Michael pls, you weren't loyal to your... wife), and how he's full of lies. At one point, Michael proclaims that he loves Stacey and will give her the keys to anything which is lovely but doesn't seem relevant to the conversation, and also yes Stacey would like to take you up on that offer, her kids are all packed and ready to move into your house thank you very much.

But stop because Evarn is repeating words obsessively and sweetie you need to stop muttering things while looking at the wall and speak the f*ck up okay.

"That'll change, that'll change, that'll change," he says in response to a conversation about Stacey and Michael's solid marriage, before adding: "Despite everything I know about the Hayley and Michael scenario, even words for his mouth (I won't even bring it up)... what I know is there's a way bigger scandal than that to come."

WHAT IS IT TELL US IMMEDIATELY.

"It's not my place to say..." he says and darling we are so far beyond that we are in goddamn lockdown as a country do you understand?

ivan — This feels like a human rights violation, tbh.

He tells the boys to "wait til the reunion," and EUGH we feel like the reunion is next week, that's like a year away in quarantine time.

Over at the girls’ night, Stacey tells the camera she can’t just go on pretending she likes Hayley and oh no sweetie you haven’t been pretending that at all.

“I’m not finished with Hayley,” she adds and YAY.

Meanwhile, Hayley is busy telling the group about her new boyfriend who hasn’t even put her toothbrush in the toilet one time since they’ve been dating.

And that’s when Stacey decides to intervene.

“WHAT GIVES YOU THE AUDACITY TO QUESTION MY DEGREE,” she yells and we feel like you haven’t been keeping up with the… conversation… but yes by all means proceed.

She shouts about the time Hayley brought her kids into this and then Hayley calls her a chihuahua and adds, “you’re not a practising lawyer darl,” and OK in Stacey’s defence you’re all taking advice from three psychologists who we're fairly certain aren't... practising. In a... traditional sense.

But Lizzie does not like it.

She decides to intervene and like… no offence… but you weren’t there. And we were.

“THAT’S DISGUSTING YOU’RE DISGUSTING YOU SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED OF YOURSELF FOR THIS SH*T,” she shouts in Hayley’s face, and Hayley’s all like, “Ow weren’t you on the last season of Married at First Sight? Can I get an autograph,” but then she refrains mostly because Lizzie is threatening her. Physically.

Connie is holding her head in her hands and trembling while repeating the bad words and darling this is why your mum didn’t want you here. You are too pure.

'I thought you people already left the show idk idk.'

That’s when Amanda delivers us the line of the season.

“I’m not a mother,” she begins. “But I have a pet cat. And if anyone picks on my cat, I’m sorry, but you’re going to feel it,” and Jesus Amanda why would anyone pick on your pet cat??

Speaking of Amanda, where is our good friend Tash? And relatedly, Natasha?

But there’s no time to search for missing contestants because Connie and Jonnie are about to have their final date.

As always, we get a series of flashbacks and if we see sad Connie at the aquarium ONE more time we’re gonna lose it.

“I’ll take myself out to dinner… I’ll take myself out to the movies,” she tells the camera through tears and well, sh*t Connie.

We wish we could take ourselves out to dinner and to the movies BUT WE CAN’T BECAUSE THE WORLD GOT CANCELLED AND NOW ALL WE DO IS SIT INSIDE AND CRY.

That must be so hard for you. Moving freely. About the world.

For their final date, Connie takes Jonethen on a road trip. When they stop at the beach, she forces him to wear custom made swimmers with her face on it and you better believe they’re poorly made and don’t even remotely fit.

Jonethen clearly doesn’t really want to wear them, especially to go surfing on what appears to be quite a cold winter’s day, but alas, he is thrust into the ocean against his will. And we can all see his butt crack. It’s mortifying.

After their swim, Jonethen is forced to give his fake wife who he has broken up with three times now, a romantic gift.

Oh.

Oh.

Jonethen hands her a piece of paper with a picture of a penguin he’s adopted. Named Connethen.

Connie starts crying and... look. It’s clear that Connie thinks the penguin is going to emerge out of the trees and come to be her pet. But that’s not how… penguins work. Jonethen nods politely and promises they can go and pick up their pet penguin first thing tomorrow morning (they can’t).

It's not... actually yours. It's... symbolic.

To thank Jonethen for the penguin she shall be keeping in a pen in her bedroom, Connie gifts him her scrapbook, to which he responds, "Wow Connie, this is amazing. A scrapbook reflecting on a relationship I don't want to be in anymore," and it's all very romantic.

KC and Drew also go on their final date and we don't mean to be rude but... no one cares. Because there's no yelling. Or tears of rejection. Just toned people in swimwear which like... isn't what we came here for???

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

For more gossip and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter. You can also join our Facebook group, Married at First Sight Lols.

Catch up on all the recaps:

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 29: We need to talk about the alleged cheating video.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 28: "I'm actually speechless."

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 27: The 'feedback' no one wanted.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 26: You cannot force your husband to have sex with you.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 25: 'I said I didn't want a superficial, materialistic, Instagram girl.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 24: A big sex lie is laid bare.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 23: Ivan. Is. HEARTBROKEN.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 22: 'You're the unhealthiest person I know.'

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 21: The experts were just called out. Publicly.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 20: A very dramatic dinner party storm out.

The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 19: "I'm not attracted to you. Physically."