fashion

"Just 9 burning questions I have about what on EARTH people were wearing in the last 48 hours."

What in the Kim Kardashian West is happening.

A lot, apparently.

For 48 hours, the commune filled with all the most beautiful celebrities has shooed them out and demanded they parade around for not one but two fancy events. 

Go on. 

The first, on September 12, was the MTV Video Music Awards, where everyone got far too excited about being on a red carpet and accidentally forgot vital items of clothing. 

Don't worry sweetie, we'll get you a new jacket. Image: Getty. 

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When you remember your jacket but not your pants. Image: Getty. 

The second, on September 13, was the MET Gala, where the theme was 'American Independence' so a woman dressed as a horse.

May I ask for... why. Image: Getty. 

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Given my unparalleled expertise in fashion feelings, I thought it was only necessary to ask some f**king questions.

Because no.

But also explain yourselves.

 

1. What is a Machine Gun Kelly and what does it do?

I don't know who you are and I need you to gently sing a song of yours so I will understand. 

But we have no time for that, because from his brief red carpet appearance, it would appear a Machine Gun Kelly:

- Wears pearls on his face

- Has his very own Megan Fox

- Starts fights with professional boxer Conor McGregor

Lovely getting to know you, Sir. Image: Getty. 

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MEANWHILE YOU HAVE A NAKED WOMAN TO YOUR RIGHT. WHY WERE YOU EVEN LOOKING AT THE BOXER.

2. Did Ed Sheeran like his jacket?

Ed Sheeran just wants to be a normal man.

A normal man who writes criminally excellent songs.

But someone asked him to look fun. And then they handed him this:

Yes. But also no. Image: Getty. 

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And he's unsure about it. 

He feels like maybe it's too yellow.

Idk? Image: Getty. 

But then he wonders whether it's not quite 'out there' enough. Given the company.

'Wow man!' Image: Getty. 

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3. Did the VMAs have a dress code? At all?

Because it would appear not. 

We need dress codes, otherwise Ed feels conflicted about his jacket, while other people think it's dress up.

Okay. Image: Getty. 

Then someone goes ahead and wears a chair. As a headpiece. And it's very uncomfortable.

This is why we need to know the rules. Image: Getty. 

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4. Is a gimp mask offensive... because it feels offensive?

Look, it really is incredibly confusing to watch a red carpet where you don't recognise anyone. It means the whole experience is punctuated by impatient yells of 'wait, who is THAT,' as well as exchanges like:

Me: "Ooooh, does she sing that famous TikTok song that's like la la la...."

Stranger: "No."

Kim Petras is one of those people. And then she wore a thing over her face that I've since learned is called a 'gimp mask'. 

??? Image: Getty. 

????? Image: Getty. 

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???????? Image: Getty. 

It. Feels. Offensive. And. I. Don't. Know. Why.

Is it hurtful to the BDSM community? Given she's wearing it while not actively (currently) involved in BDSM? I DON'T KNOW.

And in less than 24 hours she then became a horse which also feels offensive to the horse community.

I'd like to raise some red flags. Ethically. Image: Getty.  

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5. Can I wear a blanket? Out? Socially?

According to A$AP Rocky, and by extension, Rihanna... yes.

This I can get behind. Image: Getty. 

But only if you're planning to reveal a stupidly fancy suit underneath.

Fml. Image: Getty. 

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6. Can someone pls write a 2000 word essay explaining the following outfits?

At the MET Gala, several attendees wore outfits that urgently need to be analysed by a Year 12 English student looking for a last-minute related text.

First, there was Cara Delevingne's PEG THE PATRIARCHY bulletproof vest with holes in the side (??), and look I don't think anyone in the English-speaking world can quite articulate what that means. 

Will do. Image: Getty.

Second, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortex wore a white gown that yelled TAX THE RICH which must've been very awkward given the... company.

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Thanks xxxx. Image: Getty.

Then there was Congresswoman Carolyn B. Maloney's very important gown and I don't want to be rude but I'M HERE TO LOOK AT SILLY DRESSES NOT READ 500 WORDS ABOUT GENDER EQUALITY.

So many words. Image: Getty.

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Sorry.

That was inappropriate. 

7. Kim, no.

Speaking of silly dresses. 

A person police believe to be Kim Kardashian wore one, but we cannot be sure. 

Emergency. Emergency. Image: Getty.

It would appear Kim is back with Kanye and he is trolling her. And in his defence, it's hilarious.

8. Who is... that?

Surely you can't just show up with a different face and/or hair and expect me to confirm your identity?

For clarity, I'm referring to Maisie Williams:

Hi, hello. Image: Getty.

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Addison Rae:

Nice to meet you. Image: Getty.

And Hailee Steinfeld:

Welcome. Image: Getty.

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Who all decided to turn up to the MET Gala as entirely new people. 

9. How are you getting through the doorway? And into a vehicle? And most importantly onto a toilet?

Dressing as a sun god is all fun and games until you need to change locations. 

Then you're a woman in a big dress and an impractical hat.

'The event will have to come to me. At my current location.' Image: Getty.

And that was Iman. Presumably for six hours. In the cold.


The lesson here is: let's not have another global pandemic. You see, it's the celebrities. They forget how to dress. 

And poor Anna Wintour is going to have to send a very strongly worded email. 

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'That was heinous.' Image: Getty.

For more from Clare Stephens, and her live fashion commentary, you can follow her on Instagram. 

Feature Image: Getty + Mamamia.

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