Lock yourselves inside for the next few weeks.

Call in sick.

Fake your own death.

Mercury is in retrograde which of course means two things:

1. Precisely no one is safe, and;
2. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it.

The planet which astrologists believe rules communication, intelligence and timing is tipped to go haywire from, well, yesterday, right up until July 31. So if you were late to work this morning, have been misspelling your own name in emails all day, and generally feel like your brain could have actually been replaced with a potato, don’t worry, you haven’t lost the plot.

It’s all the devil planet of Mercury’s doing.

Honestly, there is no other plausible explanation.

Check out these Zodiac-inspired makeup looks. Post continues after video.

For the rest of the month, astrologists are predicting we will encounter travel issues, communication mishaps, and technological difficulties which sounds like exactly what we we all need in our lives right now.

Oh but it gets better.

Apparently this retrograde, we will be moving back from Leo to Cancer, then from Cancer to Leo again. While that sentence makes our brains feel even more potato-like because we have not a single clue what it actually means, experts have translated it to spell ~drama~.

And no. We don’t want it.

We are perfectly capable of lighting trash fires in our lives on our own without the planets’ involvement, thank you very much.

(But it’s also possible the moon/planets were involved all those other times so really, it’s never been our fault).

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Astrology expert Lisa Stardust told Refinery29: “Expect big declarations of love and fiery arguments, followed by emotional manipulations with the aim to control others,” she predicts. “We are dealing with intense degrees that can trigger momentary outbursts.”

She also said we may hear from people we’d rather continue pretending don’t exist. Fun.

“Old lovers, exes, and friends will come back, if only to explain themselves one more time,” she says.

This is also a time when poor communication could lead to arguments, so there’s that.

“When dealing with family and friends, try to stick to the basics of communication. Your imagination and potential for deception can lead to sticky situations,” Jamie Partridge advised on website Astrology King during last year’s mercury retrograde.

“You may feel very opinionated on a particular subject and care little what others think. However, this is not a good time to be preaching to others and telling [them] how they should think or act. Your emotional biases can influence your thoughts and intellectual reasoning.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom, Mercury retrograde, as it turns out, is actually a great time for a short-term fling, if that’s what you’re into.

“Many of our plans may not come to fruition, as we may not follow through on decisions during this retrograde,” Lisa told Refinery29.

“My best advice is to have a fling with no strings and give your iPhone a rest.”

Well, if you say so…

Astrology expert Lynette Arkadie also gave Mamamia these handy tips to ride out the inevitable sh*t show we’ll encounter in the coming weeks:

LYNETTE’S TIPS TO RETROGRADE-PROOF YOUR LIFE:

• Choose the persona of a wise Buddhist monk as your personality of choice for the next few weeks. Choose to ride the wave and feel the power.
• Back up all electronic devices and secure electronics.
• Double check plans – packing, dates, travel plans as well as meeting times and plans.
• Organise insurance and plan for natural earth shifts (such as earthquakes, floods, volcanic changes).
• Fix outstanding things like that flat tyre or wobbly screw ASAP.
• Ensure all language and communication is clear in emails, texts, invitations etc. It can be easy for something to be received the wrong way or go awry.
• If there is an emotional outburst ​(​yours or someone else’s​), take a moment. Wait to discuss further until everyone can talk calmly and clearly.
• If making any big decisions, take your time, follow your intuition and be flexible and move with the changes.
• Expect things to be slower or delays and prepare fully.
• Have back-up plans should weather change suddenly or plans change suddenly. Remain calm. Look for solutions or what’s great about what is happening.
• Slow things down and allow time.
• Embrace change where possible but also implement change with gentleness, patience and mindfulness – not everyone will react well.
• The good of experience is usually only realised at the end of the period, so for now that’s early December. So focus on a longer game.
• Prepare for sudden plan changes – go with it. You will end up where you need to be if you let go and flow.
• Remember that powerful new creation comes out of a certain degree of chaos.

Or you could just… continue to go about your lives normally because who really believes in this stuff anyway? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Read more on astrology here:

• HOROSCOPES: How Mercury Retrograde will affect you, according to your star sign.
• Are you a ‘fun mum’ or a taxi parent? This is your parenting style, according to your star sign.
• A ghoster or a social media stalker: This is your worst dating habit, according to your star sign.
• We hate to break it to you, but you’ve actually got three star signs. An astrologer explains.
• Obsessive. Snobby. Indecisive: Your worst trait according to your star sign.