“I needed to have a *sex* chat with Michael the other day,” my cousin said in a hushed tone, mid-sip of her soy cappuccino, her eyes darting back from the toddlers running around the cafe to us.
“I feel awkward even saying this, but he’s doing this… this jack hammer thing with his fingers during foreplay.
“Why can’t he just understand, or at least remember, that going fast and hard feels good for him, but feels terrible when you have a vagina? It’s been five years. I feel like we have this conversation every few months.”
The table, consisting of me and my closest girlfriends, shuddered in unison. My cousin wasn’t alone. We knew the uncomfortable pain…. the jack hammering… she spoke of closely, too.
And that’s when we realised – all four of us have the exact same bedroom problem. The problem whereby men forget that the vagina is a precious, beautiful vessel of gentleness and all things lovely and kind – much like something you’d see in a fabric softener commercial. But instead of a fluffy cloud, they must think of it more like… a pogo stick. Or a formula 1 race car. Or a penis.
Which brings me to the question that seems to plague every heterosexual relationship – WHY DO MEN NOT UNDERSTAND THAT SLOW AND GENTLE IS THE WAY TO GO? IT’S 2017. HOW IS THIS NOT COMMON KNOWLEDGE YET?
Considering the average woman needs between 10 and 15 minutes to, well, get ready for the main act – jack hammering doesn’t really butter our bread. You need to pet it, to caress it, love it, respect it; kind of like a baby duck.
So men, if you’re reading this: start slooooooow and gentle. Then, after at least five minutes, work your way up… slowly. And gently.
In honour of men and their failing memories, we decided to compile a list of everything else the male species doesn’t seem to understand about the incredible lady place that is the vagina:
- “Dry fingers and a vagina are not a good match.”
- “Guys who have watched too much porn and like, not actually interacted enough, usually try to rub your clit from existence. That is not cool or fun or in any way pleasurable.”
- “The clitoral hood is not a chew toy.”
- “PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME ‘Omg whoopsie, I was aiming for your vagina but my peen just somewhere weirdly ended up at your butt! I guess while we’re here…’ Mate, just state your interests, yeah? PLEASE STOP KNOCKING AT THAT DOOR, NO ONE IS HOME.”
- “They don’t understand how you don’t want sex after a baby, even if that’s six months after baby. It’s been through something traumatic alright?!!”
- “Air can get in there so it can get out of there, too.”
- “Bearded men need to be wary while giving oral… it can get quite prickly. Ouch.”
What do you think men misunderstand about having sex with women?