After six lockdowns, countless days spent in isolation, endless hours of Netflix binged and more wine consumed than I care to admit, I am now in the ‘what’s the point’ phase of lockdown. I don’t want to dial into drinks, I don’t want to go for a walk, I don’t even want to get out of bed. Because what’s the point?
I’m a Melburnian and we are well versed in lockdown and how this goes. Snap lockdown, close things down hard and fast, then restrictions will ease and we will go back to normal. But now we are well into our sixth lockdown, I feel like a yo-yo. A very tired and numb yo-yo.
Numb is the best way I can think of to describe it.
Watch the star signs in a time of crisis. Post continues after video.
When lockdown five was announced, I was angry. I was angry at the government and the anti vaxxers, I was angry at Sydney-siders not taking this seriously and I was angry at selfish people who think the rules don’t apply to them.
With news of lockdown five, I snapped at people and was on edge for reasons that I couldn’t put into words but I knew that everything would be okay. One of my friends arranged Zoom trivia, and we all went along and had a great time but this time, things are different.
We all saw lockdown six coming. The minute those cases were announced, we Melburnians knew what came next. But, for me, there was something different about this time.
Over the past week I’ve said “it is what it is,” more times than I can count. I cancelled my lash appointment and dinner plans and made sure my bar was fully stocked but I wasn’t angry, I wasn’t sad, I just was.
For days I have been going through the motions, getting up, going to work (I’m a nurse), coming home, having a glass of wine and trying to sleep. Trying.
Listen to this episode of Mamamia Out Loud, where Holly, Mia and Jessie discuss exactly why Australia is over it. Post continues after podcast.
I lay in bed at night and thoughts swirl around my head and I just can’t find any peace. My irregular sleeping patterns were the first sign that my body might be trying to tell me that I might not be ok.
I live with anxiety everyday. I am familiar with my symptoms, the way triggers affect my body and what triggers to avoid entirely, but the type of anxiety that is currently inhabiting my body is different.
If you had come to my apartment at two o’clock on Wednesday morning you would’ve found me on my lounge writing. I stayed there until I fell asleep maybe two hours later.