"Dear Melbourne: Stop being so selfish, we all deserve this public holiday."

Dear Melbourne,

Stop looking so damn smug.

I know you think you’re soooooo cool, with your black clothes and your rooftop bars and your extra days off work.

I know you’re probably prancing around right now in your edgy fashion along your fancy river sipping sparkling from your precious Yarra Valley, laughing at the rest of us chumps.

You think you’re so unique. You think you’ve got a a monopoly on getting absolutely trashed and taking off your shoes at the racetrack and drunk-texting your boss that you’ve got a stomach flu on the first Wednesday morning of every November.

But guess what, Melbourne? I have some news for you.

You aren’t the only ones.

You think Sydney doesn’t love a good bottle of champers? You think Adelaide is full of hard workers? You think the citizens of The Gold Coast are all Sober Sallys? Don’t make me laugh.

The rest of Australia has just as much right to get rowdy today as you, Victoria. And we will.

Also, while we’re here, Melbourne? Cool it with the hipsters already. Post continues… 

Don’t give me that “But the race happens in our city!” nonsense. Stop pretending you’re at Flemington. We all know most of you are at home in your undies, which is fine, so long as we get to stay at home in our undies too. 

Australia – it’s time for the blatant discrimination to end. If Victoria gets a day off for the Melbourne Cup, we should ALL get a day off for the Melbourne Cup. If Victoria stays home in their undies, we should ALL stay home in our undies! IF VICTORIA JUMPS OFF A BRIDGE, WE SHOULD ALL JUMP OFF A BRIDGE!

No, wait. Not that last one. Just the public holiday bit.

Actually, on second thoughts, I have a better idea. You can keep your last-minute stomach flu lie, Melbournians.

The rest of Australian would like our day off tomorrow, please.