By MAMAMIA STYLE

Tall people wrapped in shiny fabric. Definitely life-threatening headwear. The consumption of alcohol in the sun.

THE MELBOURNE CUP, ladies and gentlemen in suits. The Melbourne Cup.

Sweet merciful god of television, BLAKE AND LOUISE just arrived. How very dare they show their attractive faces on this holy day of racing, after all the manufactured outrage they’ve caused in the past few months. How very dare they flaunt their love in the vicinity of cameras and potential other Bachelor contestants.

A photo posted by mamamiaaus (@mamamiaaus) on Nov 11, 2014 at 7:26pm PST

Ah, whatever. In other news, turns out Geoffrey Edelsten is still alive. He just proposed to this woman called Gaby Grecko, who remains famous for reasons unknown. She appears to have massacred a rare bird of some kind and placed its carcass on her head, so at the very least we can assume she’s fashionable.

A photo posted by mamamiaaus (@mamamiaaus) on Nov 11, 2014 at 6:57pm PST

Look, if you’re not busy watching small men whip majestic horses into high performance, there really is a lot going on off the track. Naturally, we’ve documented it all for you.

Flick through this gallery and see how successfully you can remain non-judgmental. Keep coming back, too – we’ll be updating it throughout the day.

UPDATE

And if you’re actually interested in the race, a horse by the name of Protectionist won.

And while you’re here – why not check out the frocks from this year’s Derby Day: