entertainment

Maxim's Hot 100 celebrates women's achievements, not their boobs. OK?

This isn’t about boobs, you guys. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Maxim magazine wants you to know that brains and character are just as important to its readership as boobs.

Why else would it include the Prime Minister’s wife, Lucy Turnbull, on its annual Hot 100 list?

At 19th, Turnbull is apparently “hotter” than Jesinta Campbell and Dannii Minogue, who is languishing at 65th. We’re sure she’s truly honoured.

Turnbull has been vocal about her desire to appear on Maxim’s annual list.* *Not.

Of course, Turnbull’s name is printed on the cover hovering somewhere over Delta Goodrem’s barely concealed right breast, but that’s probably only because Turnbull was too busy to pose for the magazine in her best specs in the boardroom of her private investment company Turnbull & Partners.

Goodrem placed number one on the list, which she has taken as the validation of her womanhood it surely must be.

She tweeted that she was “honoured” to have topped the “prestigious” list and added the hashtag #GirlPower for good measure.

“People think the Hot 100 is a bunch of amazingly good-looking women,” Maxim editor-in-chief Santi Pintado told the Daily Mail.

“But they also have to be talented, intelligent and have done something in the last 12 months that has had an impact on the industry as well as their own careers.” Oh, right.

We definitely, 100 per cent, believe that Maxim named Delta number one because of her remarkable achievements in the entertainment industry this year.

Delta Goodrem. Image via Instagram.

To recognise Maxim’s gallant attempt to reassure us that it values women for more than their breasts and their butts, we’ve taken the liberty of listing the top 10 ladies on Maxim’s list, and the really real reasons they were included. #feminism. #boobsareirrelevanttoMaxim.

10. Jessica Mauboy

Jess made the list last year, placing seventh, after dropping two dress sizes and posing in some swimmers.

That’s irrelevant, you guys! Jessica was chosen for this list because she is an extremely talented singer as well as a businesswoman. She’s just released her first fragrance, which is something only very fancy people like Beyonce and Kylie Minogue do, and she’s got a new album coming out.

And that is why she’s on the list.

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9. Iggy Azalea

There’s only one reason Maxim could have chosen Iggy for this list: her audacious attempt to rhyme “cavalry” and “apathy” like that’s actually a thing in her new single with Demi Lovato.

That’s brave.

It’s Iggy’s defiance of the laws of rhyming that got Maxim‘s attention. And that is why she made the list.

8. Lauren Brant

Brant was already known to the under-five set for her work with Hi-5, but entered the public consciousness a few months ago when she had a sexy sex affair with Beau Ryan.

That’s not why she’s on the list though; it’s because she was on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! and managed to eat both fried rat’s feet and pig’s testicles.

Hear that ladies? If you want to impress a man, eat a rodent. That’s how Brant made the list.

7. Miranda Kerr

Whoops! Boob.

Miranda Kerr is constantly inadvertently exposing glimpses of sideboob on social media, but that’s not why she’s on this list.

It’s because of Miranda’s tireless work to instill confidence in teenage girls with her self-help book Treasure Yourself, and because she was once photographed naked tied to a tree to raise awareness of endangered koalas.  #MaximCan’tEvenSeeBoobs.

6. Samantha Armytage

Despite being ALMOST 40, Maxim included Sam in their top 10 because she’s a consummate professional who holds down what must be one of the most demanding (and irritating. Hi, Kochie!) jobs on TV.

Sam can wear a leather dress like no one’s business, and her co-host Kochie assured Kyle and Jackie O on their morning radio show that single Sammy is “certainly wild, she likes a drink”, but again, that’s irrelevant.

She’s on the list because Maxim admires her work on morning television.

5. Jennifer Hawkins

Jen Hawkins is a model who has proven herself rather talented at modelling, but Maxim cares not for her golden tanned limbs or perky bosom.

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It’s her work ethic and stoicism that’s attracted the magazine.

It’s not mentioned explicitly, but the reason Maxim so admires Jen is because directly after travelling to Newcastle to be by her mother’s side as she underwent an operation for kidney cancer, she fronted the Myer fashion show. She wore a big smile, even though it was, she’s said, her toughest week ever.

4. Sam Frost

Frostie already appeared in Maxim this year after she lost some weight that she gained in The Bachelor mansion. She posed in various bum-and-boob-exposing bikinis and she looked great. Maxim tells us she took a little convincing.

Bikini or no bikini, the good people at Maxim admire our Sam for getting back on the horse after being publicly dumped by love rat extraordinaire Blake Garvey. They believe it shows pluck and courage. They don’t have to say it. We know that’s why they love her.

3. Ellyse Perry

This is the picture Maxim included of Ellyse, probably.

Maxim is both pleased and amazed that Ellyse Perry has managed to be both talented at sports and attractive. Really, they’re astonished.

“Should we mention she’s super-marketable? Nope. Should we mention she looks just as good off the field as she does on it? Nope, but that is saying something, given her stellar showing during The 2015 Women’s Ashes series. Hmm, might be best just to leave this entry blank.”

But no, Maxim included Ellyse Perry because of everything she’s doing to further women’s sport.

2. Margot Robbie

Margot Robbie.

The actress is best remembered to Maxim “naked and writhing around in a pile of money” in The Wolf of Wall Street, but we know they’ve just been remiss.

The real reason Margot has been included on the list is because she’s had a stellar year in Hollywood and most awesomely, has been cast alongside Tina Fey for the upcoming The Taliban Shuffle.

1. Delta Goodrem.

Delta on The Voice.

We’ve already covered Delts here. She’s sold millions of albums. She beat cancer. She’s a judge on The Voice. She’s going to star in a new production of Cats. Most importantly, she was Nina on Neighbours.

And that is why she’s number one on Maxim’s Hot 100. Not because her top fell off. It happens to the best of us.

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