reality tv

The 'ugly duckling' curse: Matt Agnew is every suddenly-hot guy who's ever dated.

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I once dated a guy who I thought was the ultimate catch. He had a man bun, wore linen shirts, and was almost offensively yoga-toned.

He also cheated on me repeatedly, which I discovered six months into our relationship. When I broke up with him, in a rare moment of vulnerability he revealed his secret: he wasn’t always this confident, handsome lothario.

Crippled with insecurities, he had spent the better part of his life getting walked all over by women for being the ‘nice guy.’ He was sick of being friend-zoned, so he rebranded himself.

Women noticed. And once he got a taste, he couldn’t get enough of his newfound..credentials.

This year’s Bachelor, Matt Agnew, was marketed to us as a lovable geek with a regular beach-jogging habit. He liked working out, AFL and cooking. So far, so normal.

Bach 1
On a scale of 1-10, how dateable do I look? Image: Network Ten.

He was supposed to be the anti-Honey Badger - an answer to last year's finale fiasco. A down-to-earth, non-famous guy genuinely looking for love.

And by no means are we doubting that Matt is in it for the right reasons, as they say. Hell, he seems more committed than any Bach who came before to finding a future wife/baby-mama. He also seems like a very nice human, unlike my philandering ex.

BUT. There's a but.

We all know Matt had a glow-up. It's been exceedingly well-publicised. He's been perfectly packaged to us - Beauty And The Geek-style - as an "ugly duckling" who has become the handsome prince.


My theory is that under the big goofy grin and the tight, collared shirts and the perfect hair, there's a little boy.

Once upon a time, that little boy was too busy playing XBox in his room and drinking slurpies to get girls.

Then he got buff. He was cast as The Bachelor. He had a TV makeover. He found himself surrounded by 24 eligible women. Women throwing themselves at him and competing for his affections.

And we can imagine it's hard to keep your cool in that situation. But right now I kind of want to pull Matt to the side and say dude...chill. You seem real thirsty.

Thirsty matt
So thirsty.
Matt and Abbie
Pls calm down.

Whenever I watch Matt with Abbie, I'm reminded of an episode of Seinfeld where Jerry finds himself sexually attracted to a woman he can't stand. He imagines a scene between his brain and his "little Jerry," where the two body parts fight it out for who'll win.

One for the ages.

When Matt is with Abbie, this dual seemingly comes into play and logical reasoning goes out the door.

Abbie represents every girl that Matt, dare we say, didn't date in high school. Hence the pashing spree that is this season. The cheeky make-out with Abbie on the bed, which made us feel like we were watching two teenagers breaking into the parents' room at a house party. The repeated ignoring of GIANT RED FLAGS about Abbie's behaviour from women who seem to legitimately care about his happiness.

And that time he pulled her in for a spot of tonsil hockey in front of two very awkward masseuses.

Matt and Abbie
"I feel violated."

Obviously Abbie appeals to his more base, masculine instincts. But when she says things like, "I like you driving big vehicles," or "my nipples are falling out of my bikini top," he giggles like a child.

It's become...hard to watch.

As the season had progressed, the general sentiment towards Matt seems to have changed.


At the hometown dates, it was refreshing to see the families drill Matt about what he was bringing to the table.

Chelsie sister
Chelsie's sister put Matt on the spot when she posed the question: "You're the Bachelor...It's all about you. But what makes you worthy of Chelsie?"

If Matt's going to survive this season sans backlash, he might need to start showing us.

How are you feeling about our "good guy" Bachelor as the show progresses?