There’s a lot of uncertainty that comes with being pregnant. Particularly if it’s your first. What will it be like, being a mum? What will this thing I’ve created look like? Will I get the hang of that whole breastfeeding thing, or will formula be my jam?
Watch: Things pregnant people never say. Post continues after video.
Maternity leave, however, stretches out in front of you with much certainty. Little unknowns. While the identity of your bump is a mystery, what you do know is that you’re about to take 12 or so blissful months off. A year of no work alarms. No early commutes. Time to pick up a hobby or two. Get your body back. Hell, maybe even get into better shape than ever before.
But here’s the deal. There’s a lot that goes unspoken about maternity leave.
You’ll become oddly obsessed with The Wiggles’ private lives.
Whether it’s the sleep deprivation, or your mind harking for stimulation beyond dirty nappies, you’re now the lead P.I. on who’s dated who in the red, yellow and blue. After all, knowing which Wiggles have Wiggled is integral context for further viewing.
The baby’s napping and you’ve got 30 minutes to do something just for you. But somehow, you find your fingers navigating towards Emma Wiggle’s Instagram page… and… wait a second. Is she now dating the band’s banjo player? What happened to Lachy? Weren’t they married?
You’ll get to know the elderly members of your community a little too well.
It seems that every time you leave your house, pushing a giant pram filled with toys, blankets, nappies, beanies and bananas, you bump into yet another elderly citizen on their morning, midday or afternoon work. There’s Bruce at Number 52. Maureen at 13. And Geoff from the next street over.
If there’s no other adult you speak to all day, you can count on conversations with your newest mates - the retirees of your local neighbourhood.
Because who else is around at 2pm on a Tuesday afternoon? Bruce, that’s who.