Mary-Kate Olsen got married last Friday.

Her new hubby is banker Olivier Sarkozy, a very tall, and very fancy French man; oh, and the half brother of former French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

Very fancy.

Anyway, they married in a lovely Manhattan apartment on Friday evening in front of 50 of their closest friends and family. We don’t really know a helluva lot, except that the unquestionably fashionable crowd gathered in the garden for cocktails before moving inside for dinner, only to find their tables were decorated with ‘bowls of cigarettes’.

Wait, what?

Yes, darling, CIGGIES!

“Party decor consisted of ‘bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night’,” writes Page Six, the infamous gossip column who spilled the stinky story.

Look, I have been to my fair share of oddball weddings in my life, with most themes stemming from the habits of the couple in question. If they like the beach, you have to go barefoot on their Balinese wedding day on a questionably safe beach. If they like boats, you battle seasickness and uncomfortable heels for two hours during their on-board ceremony. If they like being massive bogans, you end up holding a beer that you don’t drink, standing around a rotating pig-on-the-spit for the day.

Like, whatever people. Let the Sarkozys do their thing.

Oh, no, wait – that’s right. SMOKING KILLS YOU!

Because I am all about that CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, here are a few ideas that the couple could have gone with for wedding table centrepieces as alternatives to carcinogenic and oh-so-passé tobacco products.

Kohl Eyeliner

Similar in shape to the cigarette, a great substitute is an eyeliner pencil, Mary-Kate’s favourite look circa 2002. Hold it as an imaginary cigarette, or use it to write a nice message on the white tablecloth for the bride and groom.

Snails

Can’t smoke? Eat a snail. Both are gross, so you won’t be sacrificing on any of the controversies.

Nicabate Patches

Instead of smoking the night away, why not, like a proactive, enlightened, health-conscious adult, kick start a life without cigarettes instead? Ten points if you can match them to your shoes.

Ashley Olsen

Admittedly this is just a singular arrangement, but a stunning one nonetheless. Neat and compact, she is small enough to probably fit into a smallish condiments bowl for no-fuss decorating.

Um, flowers

No, but seriously. MK, Ollie — choose a bloody nice flower, get a bunch of ’em, stick them in a pot, and voila. That’s how weddings should look. Not like the set of a 1970s porn movie.

Tsk tsk, darlings. Smoking at the wedding? Supplying cigarettes to guests? So Frenchy, but not so chic.