reality tv

An investigation: Exactly who has and hasn’t had sex on Married at First Sight.

Look.

We’ve been so fixated on Virgin Matt’s deflowering, that we’ve failed to keep an eye on if there has been any other consummating of marriages.

An investigation is in order.

Before we move into the unknown… can we first just take a moment to bask in the TV brilliance that was Virgin Matt becoming just Matt in the form of a pan out winery shot of he and Loz head-embracing?

Just yes. Please do yourself a favour and go back and re-watch that.

We also had the pleasure of watching this. A failed attempt at foreplay before said act.

virgin-matt-bath
THIS IS NOT A RELAXING BATH MATT, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SEXY BATH.

Moving right along now to the other couple who have confirmed the sex.

Ines and Bronson.

JKS. SHE WOULD EAT HIM.

Martha and Michael

You won’t be surprised when we say Martha and Michael. We probably could have confirmed this answer ourselves after witnessing this….

michael mafs
Michael's face shortly after seeing his wife in a bikini. And micro-seconds before his head exploded when she dove into the water.
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But the hard work has been removed for us, with Martha confirming said deed with the hosts of Talking Married.

“I needed some distance to simmer down... It took us a few nights to figure each other out,” Michael told them.

“Yeah, we did it,” said Martha.

Thanks Martha. To the point.

Heidi and Mike

Yes yes YES.

Look at this evidence from the honeymoon. Done deal.

mikes-butt
Mike's butt frantically re-dressing after a night spent naked, for sure doing the sex. No?

There was also the “Didn’t get much sleep last night” voice-over and “a gentleman never kisses and tells” line with a creepy *I definitely had sex* smile that confirms said naked visuals above.

Melissa and Dino

This is also a hard yes for us. No pun intended.

Once again, insert visual evidence here.

melissa-sex
No words neccessary.
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I mean after being ‘celibate’ for eight years as Melissa has been, having a man’s crotch in your face on national TV should certainly unlock some kind of loin yearning? We think?

Anyway, there’s also the very telling line she said while speaking to 2DayFM that hinted at the sex being had.

“Maybe he meditated Sally to another place.”

For those out out of the loop, Sally is Melissa’s vagina.

We don’t really want to try and imagine what meditating Melissa’s vagina to “another place” practically means. But you do you guys.

Jules and Cameron

Surely, right? They’re just so darn cute.

I mean we know for sure it didn’t happen the night of the wedding.

“I just wanted it not to be our focus and make sure everything else was there first before we decided,” Jules told the MAFS Confessional podcast.

But surely now they have? Just look at them. They're great.

married at first sight 2019 jules cameron
Bloody beautiful.

Nic and Cyrell

There was a weird spank from Cyrell and a lot of compliments of muscles on the wedding night. But apart from that, there hasn’t been many clues to follow here.

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Considering Ivan (Cyrell’s brother) was the biggest c*** blocker known to man at the wedding...

We wouldn’t be surprised if his face is seared into Nic’s memory for eternity, thus preventing him from completing - nay - attempting the deed.

ivan
Watching you mate. Always.

Jessika and Mike

There was a speech about Viagra and masturbation at the wedding. Need we remind you.

So no, definitely not.

Mike confirmed said rumour with the statement, “I'm hoping that there's a chemistry there. I might have got a sneaky little kiss but yeah, that's about it,” the morning after the wedding.

Their chemistry has been reasonably strong since then. I mean... it comes in waves.

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One of the bad waves....
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bed-time-mafs
One of the good waves...

Jessika spends most episodes trying to decide if she actually likes her husband or not - so we’re guessing a probable no to sexy time.

Ning and Marc

Their wedding was uncomfortable to say the least.

In Ning’s words “I’m only here for the food and drinks.” It doesn't really get more awkwardly direct than that.

On their honeymoon Ning did test the waters with a steamy pool kiss....

But turns out she prefers the free food and drink.

ning-mafs-1
Food and drink only pls.

Ines and Bronson

NO. WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN INES.

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married at first sight ines

Elizabeth and Samuel

While our sentiment for this couple are similar to Ines and Bronson, we do feel they deserve more explanation.

There is every chance they COULD have consummated their marriage, before Samuel dashed off to Ibiza with his mates *COUGH*  we mean went to New Zealand for a funeral.

There was racy lingerie, there was stripping and caressing. But ultimately, we think no.

Samuel made it pretty clear, in his delightful misogynistic undertone of a piece to camera, that he wasn’t keen.

mafs-sam
Really top bloke this one.

Do you have a MAFS sex insight we might have missed? Comment below.

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