Parents of teens are the ones suffering from a lack of sex in their relationships according to a new survey. And all this time we’ve been blaming fatigue caused by waking babies and the demands of the toddler years.
A survey conducted for Family Lives say the teenage years are the ones during which most couple’s sex lives suffer.
Now it’s time to fight back.
Everyone always talks about lack of libido when it comes to sex in long-term relationships but what about when the desire is there but the opportunity is not? What if you still desire each other and want sex but the realities of marriage life (stress, jobs, children, pets, children with good hearing) conspire to completely ruin your sex life?
It’s enough to make you drop the kids off at a friend’s house so you can have a naked weekend, or not even a whole weekend.
Embarrassing sex confessions. Article continues after this video.
One hour would be enough. Just one hour during which you and your spouse are not:
b. Being interrupted by kids;
c. Are paranoid about being interrupted by kids;
d. Being interrupted by pets;
e. Are paranoid about being interrupted by pets;
f. Are stressed;
g. Are at work or have something else that absolutely has to be done;
h. Have just eaten too much (chocolate is not sex) and no longer feel like it.
i. Having to drop your kids off somewhere.
j. Have to pick your kids up from somewhere.
I could go on and on and on, using the entire alphabet.
Sometimes it feels as though all the planets and stars have to be in alignment for married sex to happen. Sometimes it feels almost impossible.
Then the panic starts to set in.
'It's been 14 days since we've had sex.'
'It's been almost a month since we've had sex.'
'It's been two months since (insert child's name here) walked in on us having sex. Let's just block the door and try again!'
I strongly feel though that when there is a will and passion and desire, there is always a way. It just takes a bit of planning...planning to be spontaneous and spontaneous planning.
Mamamia's podcast, The Prude and The Pornstar, is all about sex and relationships. Listen to the latest episode below. (Post continues after audio.)
Now for the tips:
1. Let your kids have the occasional sleep over with someone you trust.
I never used to like my kids having sleep overs but if they are with someone you trust then why not? It can be so lovely to be reminding of what it's like to be at home alone together without worrying that the kids will wake up or your teenager is secretly on their device instead of sleeping. Then you don't have to be confined to the bedroom either. Take the opportunity to mix it up! It is your house after all and as long as the pets are safely tucked away you can really spend some time enjoying each other.
2. Organise for a night out.
Next time you have a big night out planned consider organising to return the next morning. That way you can go somewhere that you can relax, knowing your children are safely at home in the care of someone responsible who is happy to sleep over. You don't want to have to rush your time together. True intimacy is so much better when you can spend time together, there's no rush, no responsibilities and a lovely breakfast together the next morning (not cooked by either of you) to look forward to.
3. Prop something heavy against the door.
We don't have locks on doors at our house because I like to think that we can respect each other's privacy without them. I knock on my son's door before I enter his bedroom and sometimes he remembers to do the same. We've almost been busted in the wee hours of the morning having sex several times which can make it difficult to continue due to extreme paranoia over every little noise. Propping our heater against the door is the perfect solution. By the time they push it hard enough to open the door while yelling out, "I can't open the door. It's stuck!" we have plenty of time to make ourselves decent.
4. Don't let your kids shame you.
Adolescents and teenagers can make their parents feel like naughty, horny teenagers every time they kiss or hug in their own home. It's a sad reality of parenting older children. DON'T LET THEM GET TO YOU. They have every right to say, "Vomit" or "Get a room" or "Do you have to?" as often as they want. Never let that stop you from showing affection in front of them. It teaches them a much bigger lesson about relationships and affection. If they do call you out on it, take it as a compliment.
5. Don't let anything stop you.
Instead of thinking of all of the reasons you can't have sex at that particular time - because you've become so used to not being able to - start with "yes" and go from there. "Sure we can have sex" and then problem solve from there.
"Sure we can have sex. I just have to make one phone call."
"Sure we can have sex but I only have five minutes before I have to pick (insert child's name here) up."
That way even if it doesn't work out one of you isn't left feeling rejected because you said, "I can't, I have to make a phone call."
To quote author Bethenny Frankel, you just have to "come from a place of yes".