We need to talk about Married at First Sight.
Last night, I tried to watch it with an open mind. Well, as open as a mind can be when two complete strangers are participating in a fake wedding on television, thus making a complete mockery of an institution of marriage, that is apparently too sacred to allow a union of two people of the same-sex.
I’m not religious, and I don’t even think I’m a massive fan of marriage, but if a woman can walk down the aisle to meet a random dude that ‘experts’ matched her with, and exclaim”F****CK”, then I think we can comfortably throw any argument about the sanctity of marriage out the window.
So as you can see, my mind was wide open.
You know they're experts because they have a big touch screen computer thing. Image via Channel 9.
But there was a major issue with this completely legitimate science documentary I found myself watching for an hour last night.
Apparently, if you are a single person of the female variety, at any age, then that is because... drum roll please.
There is something wrong with you.
Let me explain.
Meet Erin. News.com has already called her Ja'mie King. She is a 25-year-old retail manager who lives at home, similar to every other 25-year-old in Australia. She is apparently obsessed with finding a partner, often lining up multiple dates a week from Tinder, Instagram, Facebook and online dating sites.
Her parents make her toast for her because, you guys... Erin. Can't. Cook. I repeat CODE RED - Erin cannot cook food. Well there you have it. Shows over. Roll the credits. There is no SAVING this girl. She is a failure at being a woman. Let's just hope to God she's maternal and knows how to use a vacuum.
Isn't Erin just so lucky? Image via Channel 9.
Oh... but can her match Bryce cook? Meet Bryce. We don't know if he can cook because it doesn't matter. He is a business analyst whose motto is "don't sweat the small stuff." Oh... that's weird, they didn't ask Erin what her motto was. Anyway, Bryce has hobbies like the gym, and lifting weights at the gym, and sometimes running at the gym. We don't hear anything about his dating life, strangely enough. We also don't know if he lives at home.
The experts explicitly ask Erin what she thinks is holding her back when it comes to love.
Erin breaks down and explains that she puts walls up. She can be "blunt" and "sarcastic." She said in her wedding speech, "I know I'm not always the easiest person to deal with and I know...I'm a bit standoffish."
Conversely, Bryce has no bad qualities. Well none that we know of, because the experts were too busy filming him lifting weights at the bloody gym. At no point do the experts ask him why he hasn't found love. Note: Erin is 25. Bryce is 31.
Erin says f**k walking down the aisle. Post continues after video...
The scientists just hope that Bryce will be "patient" enough to "deal" with Erin. Luckily, Bryce says he is pretty patient, so maybe he will (in the words that the scientists actually want to use) put up with Erin's b*llshit.
There is a similar sense with Christie and the guy who meant to sign up for 'Farmer Wants a Wife' and awkwardly landed on this show instead. Mark is his name. Mark's singledom is due to the fact his job has required him to travel. Nothing intrinsic. Just circumstantial. The same thing could be said of Christie, given that she's been professionally DJ'ing all over the world. But no. Because, my dear friends, Christie has a vagina, and a vagina means being single is all your fault.
Christie is too picky. She has a long list of what she wants out of a partner. Too long, according to the experts. They just hope she can be satisfied with Mark, who in no way matches any of her criteria. Or, (in the words that the scientists actually want to use) when you're 39 and want babies YOU NEED TO TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET.
Christie and Mark. Image via Channel 9.
I am going to say something here that might shock you.
Being a single woman at 15, 25, 35 or 45, does not mean there is anything wrong with you. You do not have some internal deficit or a fundamental flaw that makes you unlovable. You do not need to change yourself or go through some personal renaissance in order to be good enough for some guy named Bryce who appears to be non-verbal.
There are plenty, PLENTY, of shitty people who are in relationships. Plenty of people with high expectations and countless flaws who have somehow convinced someone to love them. Being single does not make you a failure.
Love has a lot to do with luck. And timing. It is enormously dependent on things that are out of your control.
So single women of the world, there is nothing wrong with you.