For those who aren’t living and breathing Channel Nine’s Married At First Sight like I am, you may be unaware that the entire season has been threatened by some very bouncy curls.
Simon’s curls. These ones:
You see, while Simon's partner Alene was, like, totally cool with his personality and thought he was a nice guy etc. etc. etc. none of this was good enough because those BLOODY CURLS were in the way and being all curly and stuff.
Alene did not like the curls, reader friends. She freakin' hated their curly hairy guts.
So when the big man upstairs (not God, a producer) told Alene she could take Simon on a date of her choice, she naturally decided to completely change the way he looked.
First, his wardrobe was revamped with some snazzy chinos. Then, he was taken to the hairdresser to, you know, hack the living daylights out of dem curlz.
In the last episode, Simon couldn't say whether he had fallen madly in love with Alene. "I don't know," he said, looking utterly dejected. "I'm not going to answer."
While his new 'do may look more attractive to some, it's not exactly a surprise that Simon isn't too sure about his fake-television-wife anymore. Because WHY WOULD HE BE?!
If my partner told me to restyle my wardrobe and change my hair I would blow a proverbial gasket.
He has no right to change my hair. Or to ask that I start wearing men's chinos. Or demand that I stop wearing my dressing gown for absurdly long periods of time when we have guests over.
I understand attraction is super important - otherwise you're just mates - but if a haircut means so much, what does that say about the relationship?
Imagine if the roles were reversed. How would we have felt if Simon chose to take Alene shopping, and instructed her to wear shorter skirts or more expensive jeans? Imagine if he took her to a salon and told the hairdresser to 'fix' the way she looked.
We would FLIP OUR FREAKIN' FEMINIST SH*T.
We would have gathered our snappiest, most glorious retorts and fired them all over social media already. We'd have a Facebook group dedicated to how stunning Alene is. We'd throw every last Malteser we had at the TV whenever Simon's superficial face came on.
We'd be angry, not supportive, of someone being forced to change their appearance on national television.
I realise that I'm reading way too much into a reality TV show, but I felt uncomfortable when I watched Simon have his hair cut against his will.
And no, I don't blame him if he decides his reality television marriage just doesn't do it for him at tonight's commitment ceremony.