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A drunk history of this season of Married at First Sight.

Anyone who owns a television and/or electronic device is aware that the current season of Married at First Sight has been going for no less than 63 weeks.

It’s been going for so long, in fact, that Jessie has glandular fever.

You guys. Married at First Sight gave Jessie glandular fever. And she says it was worth it. 

Oh, honey no.

But the other problem with the long-running season is this: people forget things. And we can't be having that. Oh, no. Not when we were introduced to Australia's pickiest bloke. Not when one woman described herself as a "chhharmelion". Not when one bride was a legitimate missing person for several days and no one thought to check her home.

We can't be forgetting.

Laura Brodnik and Tiffany Dunk discuss Married at First Sight on The Binge. Post continues below.

In order to ensure none of us lose the glory that is/was this never-ending season, we've decided to immortalise the 10 couples (11 if you count the fact that Andrew and Cheryl got married twice) in conversation.

Ahem.

Jessie: We began with men and women in separate mansions. It looked kind of like The Bachelor but with significantly less Instagram models. Jonathan stood out because he started every sentence with "being an entrepreneur..." which had nothing to do with anything. The producers then cut to him yelling down the phone, "Was there anything else holding up the Springfield deal?" but I have a theory: There was no Springfield deal. 

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THERE WAS NO SPRINGFIELD DEAL.

Clare: Omg so true. Jonathan got matched with Cheryl and from the moment they saw each other this match was like the worst thing that ever happened. Cheryl's dad, Hamish, was legit borderline abusive and at one stage was definitely holding a knife.

Jessie: Real talk... that man needs to be in jail. Then at the reception, that woman with the eyeliner kept looking at Jonathan because she was secretly in love with him (obviously). She kept confiding in the camera how much she hated Cheryl. This plotline was never resolved. But a producer definitely got a promotion. Like a big one.

Clare: Oh yes, and then Cheryl's sister overheard Emma slagging her sister off and yelled "DON'T JUDGE SOMEONE BY THEIR BOOK!"

The best character to ever appear on reality television.
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Jessie: The other couple matched early on were Sean and Susan, of whom we do not speak.

Clare: Jess, we can speak...

Jessie: I'm not ready.

Clare: Well, next we met Michael. He just wanted someone with good teeth, who weighs less than 60kgs, has small ears, is physically active, and doesn't wear much make up because he's into that 'natural' look. But fake boobs he can do. No, really. It's fine. He can work with that.

Jessie: Oh yes I liked the part where Michael said if he was matched with someone ugly then he wouldn't go through with the wedding.

Clare: Hehe me too. So the experts matched him with Scarlett because she had ear lobes, and also described herself as a "char-meelion".

Why do you have an American accent, tho?

Jessie: PAUSE. The next couple to be matched were Nadia and Anthony, and I'd like to point out that when we wrote their pros and cons BACK IN JANUARY, we left them blank, because there were none.

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Clare: Yeah, Nadia got bad vibes because Anthony didn't wear socks, and also because when her mum walked her down the aisle he asked, "was that your Nanna?" No, Anthony. No it was not.

Jessie: OMG and Michael and Scarlett's wedding. He got nervous about needing to tell her he was a maaaayol strippa, and she wrote the "funniest speech," which she lost, then found, and then it wasn't even funny. 

Clare: But I liked when her mum started oinking while describing the groom. It was... inappropriate.

Jessie: Oh yes, very. The next wedding was Simon and Alene’s, with the psychic bridesmaid who predicted Simon’s name.

Clare: They matched Vanessa and Andy too, but, um, can we just agree not to talk about them from now on? They stayed together in the end.

Jessie: Oh, no. I don’t have time for Vanessa and Andrew. Anyway, stand out moments from Simon and Alene’s wedding include a) when psychic bridesmaid contracted cholera by fetching wedding ring out of toilet and b) when Simon tried to dance and we wanted to die.

Clare: STOP. This is when the producers got anxious because they’d already made us watch four weddings, so introduced a true crime element.

So scurrrrrrry.

Jessie: Oh. Well, shit. They matched Andrew and Lauren who seemed… fine. But THEN after their wedding, Lauren just straight up disappeared.

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Clare: Yeah, like when “disappeared” means everyone saw her get into a cab. And then Andrew called her like 12 times and weirdly played his guitar alone. And she was later just found at her house. Which you’d think would be the first place they’d look but anyway.

Jessie: Yeah, I feel like this plot point wasn’t treated… seriously enough. Lauren was a legit missing person and everyone seemed way too chill about it. It was unsettling.

Clare: Oh. Speaking of unsettling. Deb and John.

Jessie: Omg has anyone ever hated anyone as much as Deb hated John?

Clare: No. And Deb just had one request which was rudely overlooked by the experts; she wanted a goddamn Polynesian. And John was white AF.

Now pls.

Jessie: It was super uncomfortable how they had a full Polynesian themed wedding despite the fact that no actual Polynesian people were in attendance.

Clare: Was it, though? 

Jessie: Yes. Oh GOODNESS then there were the twins.

Clare: TOO MANY COUPLES. Soz. Remember when Jesse and Nick got to the altar and there was definitely a moment where they thought, “Did I specify at any point that I was heterosexual?”

Jessie: Yeah and then finally Michelle and Sharon walked down the aisle in the same dress. Eugh. So cliche. Twins are the worst.

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Clare: Then came the honeymoons, and the most important parts were definitely Deb hating John, but then getting angry when he tried to move out of the hotel room, and also Michael telling Scarlett he was a 'mayyyol strippa', then deciding he didn’t like her anyway.

"Eugh John is the worst."

Jessie: OH then everyone went to the first dinner party, and Jonathan and Scarlett bonded over being pro-life Trump supporters. That was cool.

Clare: Deb and John continued to hate each other and eventually Cheryl stormed out because Jonathan was so rude. But it was here, in this hopeless place, that we discovered why Nadia was really on this show. For the gossip.

TELL.
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ME.
EVERYTHIN.
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Jessie: DON’T FORGET THE CHEATING SCANDAL, PLS.

Clare: I won’t…

Jessie: JONATHAN STARTED TEXTIN SCARLETT THEN THEY GOT CAUGHT OUT AT THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY.

Clare: I know…

Jessie: And John wanted to leave Deb but the rules of this season clearly stated that if one person wants to stay in the relationship, both people must stay.

Clare: But then the next day he left because, um, he’s a free agent and can do whatever he wants. 

Jessie: Clare shhh… Simon’s hair cut. Alene went crazy with power and made him get a haircut, and he became a lil bit a new person.

FML.

Clare: Oh yes that was lovely. But excuse me, there was more drama to come pls. Because the next evening, Cheryl returned to the dinner party… WITH ANOTHER MAN.

Jessie: Yeah, she realised she had already got the time off work and kinda wanted free accommodation in Sydney, so she decided to see if she could go out with Andrew. But everyone got really mad. Because a woman can’t kiss one man, and then date another. That's simply absurd.

Clare: It’s awks though because literally like they next day Cheryl and Andrew started to hate each other.

Jessie: Yeah. So the next phase was the women visiting their fake husband's hometown, which was pretty boring, except for Sean and Susan. Susan kinda… shamed Sean. For living on a farm. For his whole life.

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Clare: And poor Nadia had to listen to Anthony yell at that internet person for hours. Surely that’s the moment you decid… never mind.

Jessie: THIS SHOW ISN’T ABOUT THINGS MAKING SENSE, CLARE. IT’S ABOUT PRECISELY THE OPPOSITE.

Clare: Then the following week, the men went to the fake wives houses, and goodness. Cheryl’s dad still be cray. He, um, I would say he verbally assaulted Andrew.

Well said as always.

Jessie: That is a thing I would also say.

Clare: Cheryl and Andrew were already starting to hate each other but I feel like Hamish sped up the process.

Jessie: Then it just… kept… going. You see, Andrew wasn’t very nice about Cheryl’s dad, and he made it quite clear that he and Cheryl weren’t getting along. The experts described this as “the ultimate betrayal.”

Clare: But friends, it wasn’t. Because then came… THA BOIZ NIGHT.

Jessie: NOT THA BOIZ NIGHT.

Clare: THA BOIZ NIGHT. The boiz got KFC, while the girls got, um, nothing, so yeah there was already a problem from the beginning. But then the boiz started bitching about Cheryl, and Andrew went… rogue. He said all she talked about was her hair and the Kardashians which, um, are both valid.

Damn that looks good.
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Jessie: But then Cheryl found out about tha boiz night, from Sean, who was awkwardly a decent human being while everyone else was tearing her apart.

Clare: When Cheryl confronted Andrew, he denied it, which was silly because there was actual footage of sh*t going down.

Jessie: Yes, that is a lil bit the problem with reality TV. That’s when John Aiken introduced RELATIONSHIP BOOT CAMP, which consisted of… nothing. Legit hardly anything. And it's something you definitely should not require after 14 days of dating. 

Clare: It didn't work. But THEN at the most epic dinner party, we were introduced to DA BOIZ CLUB.

Jessie: No, don't. This was actually f*cked. Andrew told Cheryl that she's "full of shit," which... I mean... this is the behaviour that comes out when you physically force two humans to be together.

Clare: OMG yes. And then she's all like "well you didn't have my back at the 'oiz night'", and Jesse's like "Oh shit they full filmed that hey."

Uh oh.
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Jessie: Yes, Jesse. They did. And then all the dudes just pretended like NOTHING happened, and even the twins are like "Ow but Jonesy's a good bloke," and it's like...guys. You weren't even there.

Clare: But then Sean stood up for Cheryl and was like "nah you guys were the worst" and Andrew accused him of "tripping".

Jessie: THEN THE WHOLE THING JUST ESCALATED AND ALL THE BOYS GOT THIS PACK MENTALITY AND WE NEVER EXPECTED TO HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS.

Clare: Do you reckon that might have been the precise moment you got glandular?

Jessie: Yeah, maybe. IDK.

Clare: Okay fast forward bla bla, Nadia starts having DOUBTS. Because she is having serious withdrawals from the gossip.

Jessie: And speaking of doubts, Michelle quite literally cannot stand the idea of Jesse touching her, but sticks it out in the hopes of winning the prize money.

"I want that 100K."
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Clare: I mean personally I think it's less about the prize money that definitely does not exist, and more about beating SHAZ.

Jessie: Oh for sure. Omg Clare.... we almost forgot. Jesse's.... er... farting problem. 

Clare: Oh goodness of course. Michelle struggled to live with Jesse because a) he pooped with the door open after like not even 24 hours and b) he farts. He even told the experts that one time that he had to hold them in sometimes and it gave him an upset stomach. Jesus.

Jessie: No. Clare. I don't think anything has ever been as funny as Jesse's farting habit.

Fffffff....

Clare: Okay I feel like we've been side tracked. For the next two weeks or so they just played flashbacks which nearly killed us.

Jessie: Yeah that was straight up disrespectful to the viewership. We legit yelled "SEEN'T IT WE SEEN'T IT" every two to three minutes. It was exhausting.

Clare: BUT THEN came their final decisions. Vanessa and Andy...

Jessie: YOU PROMISED NOT TO BRING THEM UP AGAIN PLS I'M ALREADY SUFFERING FROM FATIGUE.

Clare: Okay sorry ignore that. Alene and Simon stayed together because obviously. Then there was Sharon and Nick, who overcame issues such as Nick's membership at "tha stripaz", and his "bad boi wayz." Anyway, they stayed together.

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Jessie: And despite Michelle wanting nothing more than to beat Shaz at Married at First Sight, she decided staying with a dude until she's 80 was a little far. So broke up with Jesse. Finally.

Clare: I bet he let out such a fart of relief...

Jessie: Clare. Pls. Then were Nadia and Anthony. Nadia can't stand Anthony's a) face b) personality or c) touch but chose to stay with him for the gossip. Which we respect.

Nadia, no.

Clare: She has her priorities in order. And then Sean and Susan...

Jessie: DON'T. YOU PROMISED.

Clare: Look we have to talk about it eventually. The love story of our time... it... it ended. Because Susan doesn't want to live on Sean's sh*tty farm in the middle of nowhere.

Jessie: First it was Brad and Angelina and then it was this and I just can't.

Clare: HAS IT THO.

Jessie: There's only one thing we know for sure: This show never ends. So there are endless possibilities.

DISCLAIMER: Real talk... what the f*ck just happened?

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here

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