SHHHH… shut up. QUIET BACK THERE.
THERE’S A TEXTING SCANDAL. EXCUSE US THERE’S A TEXTING SCANDAL.
No. We feel like it's only been three weeks but we've been waiting for this our whole entire lives.
You see, he's an entrepreneur, so he's wasted literally zero time between having a fight with Cheryl, and messaging another man's wife. He is nothing if not exceptionally efficient.
At the dinner party, the couple barely spoke, mostly because they despise each other. Cheryl tried to address their mutual hatred, and Jonathan rolled his eyes before bonding with another woman over their love of Trump and pro-life stance.
Jonathan has now taken off his ring as though it's some enormous act of defiance even though a) he's not really married and b) his fake wife was a stranger a week ago.
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He tells the camera that he's found comfort with a new friend, "... we ended up getting along really well, we've been texting... I feel like I have a better connection with her than Cheryl," before proudly showing the producer his texts.
Dude. You had one job. To be fake married for a relatively short amount of time, and not cheat on your fake wife. That's literally it.
And you did really shit.
And we think we all know who the woman is...
Nah, but seriously the woman is definitely Scarlett.
But we're going to play along with the suspense and act like we don't know who Jonathan is talking about when he says "Can we do that, can we swap, is that a thing?"
YES IT'S A THING, JONATHAN. It's called Wife Swap. And it's a really fun show, okay? Goddamn we miss Wife Swap. Is that still on? Foxtel or something?
Tensions are also rising between Sharon and Nick, after Nick got sh*t faced at the dinner party and vomited three times when he got home.
He's trying to be sweet to Sharon about how she was such a great wife by cleaning up after him, and she's like "Wait.. wait. How is that fun for me?"
Goodness. The experts have called in all the newlyweds and they have some important news. Have they finally found Deb a Polynesian? Are they going to come clean about straight up trolling everyone? Did they get all the couples real-married as a joke?
Na. Instead they announce that tonight is the very first 'commitment ceremony,' and they explain that each person has to decide whether to stay or leave the experiment.
The experts are clearly losing track of who everyone is so need some people to leave the show.
BUT EXCUSE US THERE ARE RULES PLEASE.
Each person needs to write down their decision on a piece of paper before meeting with the experts, HOWEVER, if one says leave and one says stay, they both have to stay, because those are the rules.
This is the worst relationship advice we've ever heard. If at any point your partner wants to leave you shouldn't... make them stay. That's not... fun. That's... if someone wants to leave you need to let them leave. We can't stress this enough.
But whatever. We disagree with this process, but that doesn't mean we don't enjoy it.
The men and women are separated, and all start to divulge the intimate details of their relationships, because that's always healthy.
Cheryl says that her and Jonathan aren't compatible at all, and Nadia's being nosy AF.
But really, we're interested in one couple and one couple only at this point: Deb and John.
Herein lies the problem: John
wants needs to leave. Urgently. He's being... bullied. But Deb won't let him. Every time he brings up the fact that a) they don't get along, b) they fundamentally hate each other and c) she seems to have a severe problem with him, she argues. He knows she's going to want to stay. And he's terrified.
Cheryl has found out that ~someone~ has been texting with Jonathan, who is meant to be HER fake husband. She's mad.
Michael explains to tha boiz that he didn't get any of what he asked for from the experts, while Andy and Vanessa have entirely opposite views of how their relationship is going.
These expert meetings are going to be epic - and while it seems wildly unnecessary to hold them in front of the entire group, we're very thankful for one producer's lack of moral compass. No, truly, thank you.
Deb and John are first. They start by telling the experts that they, um, hate each other, and it's made the relationship rather difficult.
"There are so many things I do that he doesn’t do," says Deb, and you can hear what's left of John's self esteem just... evaporate.
"I love the sand, he hates the sand," she says. "I wake up early, he wakes up late."
EUGH don't you hate it when you can't bond over sand.
Trisha asks if there's anything they like about each other and it's super awkward before they start muttering something about being "nice" or "good" or something equally as vague.
John needs to leave.
Oh no. They're asking Deb what she thought of John when she first saw him. And she's going to say it in 3... 2... 1.
"I wanted someone from the Polynesian Islands."
John Aiken's face clearly says: "Oh my God. She said that during the audition process but we thought she was joking. I even wrote about it in my diary later that day."
He acts cool. Calm. He asks her what her fascination is with Polynesian men. ISN'T THAT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED EARLIER, MATE? ISN'T THAT SOMETHING WE ALL SHOULD HAVE ASKED EARLIER.
She says something about "gentle souls," which sounds a bit like a generalisation, but whatever.
The experts try to explain why they thought Deb and John were a good match, but neither of them care because they're simply not.
Finally, it's John's turn to say 'yes' or 'no' to continuing in the experiment with Deb. His answer looks something like this:
But, you guys. Deb wants to stay.
THIS IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS SETUP. JOHN NEEDS TO LEAVE.
John says he's surprised by her response and is then forced to sit back down with a person who does not like him and pretend like he's looking forward to spending the next week being criticised.
Nick and Sharon are next, and while the producers try to create some tension around whether Sharon will stay, she does. Because, obviously. Michelle and Jesse also choose to stay.
Nadia and Anthony talk to the experts, and we can't help but feel like Nadia is only here for the gossip. Regardless, she's staying. Thank God.
Alene and Simon are completely normal people and it's unnerving to watch.
Sean and Susan are super happy, apart from the fact that they live on opposite sides of the country and neither wants to move. Huh? Who'd have thought that would be a problem?
Vanessa feels like it's not really her job to teach her partner Andrew how to speak in social situations, but the experts don't really care. They matched them because opposites attract. Sometimes. Only when the experts say so. Essentially all they have to do to make it work is to fundamentally change their personalities. They sit back down.
Next up are Michael and Scarlett, and Michael starts explaining to the experts that Scarlett just wasn't what he was looking for. He wanted someone to "build an empire with."
No one has "built an empire" for thousands of years, and even when there were empires, they weren't built by Caucasian Aussie couples who met on reality TV. They also involved slavery, corruption and exploitation. By 'empire' do you mean like... an online fitness program? Because you should go do that.
He then very earnestly tells the experts he wanted someone who's into fitness, and why is Scarlett not that into fitness?
John Aiken wisely responds, "we match you not on what you want but what you need," but what he really means is what the audience needs, which is Scarlett.
Michael gets increasingly annoyed, and says, “I told you guys what I was looking for, and I was told in return I’d have a perfect match.”
LOLOLOL. They were trolling you Michael. And it worked.
Unsurprisingly, Michael and Scarlett both choose to leave. What a shame.
FINALLY THE CHEATING SCANDAL IS HERE.
Cheryl and Jonathan approach the
stage experts and explain that, yeah, nah, it's not working. The experts try to explain why they were matched but the details are fuzzy at best.
Eventually, it's time to reveal whether they're staying or leaving. Without hesitation, Cheryl says she's leaving, AND JONATHAN THAT LITTLE TROLL SAYS HE WANTS TO STAY.
No. You. Don't.
Cheryl cries and says he's been texting someone else and that he said he was matched with the wrong person.
The experts ask, "who is it, Jonathan?" and you can see Trisha sitting there nervously.
But it's SCARLETT and Cheryl says she feels betrayed.
Jonathan says he wants to fight for Cheryl but he won’t a) look at her or b) talk to her. She walks out of the room crying and he just sits on the lounge and smirks because he's an entrepreneur.
IT'S LIKE HE WANTS TO TRAP HER FOR THE LOLS.
Now it's very awkward because it turns out the "rules" set out earlier are stupid. You clearly cannot force Cheryl to stay given that her partner only wants to stay for psychopathic reasons.
She returns to the room and an ominous voice over says "due to irreconcilable differences (guys, it’s not an actual divorce) Jonathan has reconsidered his decision to continue with the experiment."
In the preview for tomorrow night's episode it very much looks like Cheryl COMES BACK for jilted groom Andrew and this show could actually not get any better.
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