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Married at First Sight recap: We feel sick.

We’re really… tired.

It’s just too much right now.

A reader sent us a message today because she checked her Foxtel recorder and wanted to let us know there were at least three more episodes of Married at First Sight left. It was kind. It was thoughtful. But we still feel like we’re in that Simpsons episode where Homer thinks he is near the top of Mount Everest, but it turns out there are like eight more mountains to go.

FML.

Oh also, we read a comment on the Married at First Sight Facebook page from a guy who said if Michelle doesn't dump Jesse he's going to eat his own poo on Facebook Live. So, um, that's what we're playing with here.

Tonight, we open on John Aiken explaining that "spending time separately will be a shock to the couples," and Jesus Christ John you have a university degree. Pls. Say something worthwhile.

Listen to Clare Stephens and Kelly Glover debrief on this episode of Married at First Sight on The Recap: The podcast to listen to after you've watched Married at First Sight.

Jesse is using his time away from Michelle to talk to his mum about Michelle, and it's never been more obvious that someone is about to talk about a door. His mum feels so sorry for him, because look, he's a nice guy, but there is absolutely no way this woman he's fake married to actually wants to be in a relationship with him.

We can see Jesse getting anxious. He's itching to mention the door. He hasn't referred to it for approximately seven minutes and HOW ELSE CAN HE EXPLAIN HOW HE FEELS. Without the door metaphor, he has literally nothing to say.

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Meanwhile, Michelle is looking forward to time alone, and says she has "a lot to think about." Oh, we're sorry, YOU have a lot to think about? Some random guy's poo is on the line here. We all have a lot to think about. 

She says she's "disappointed" because at this point in the experiment she'd like to feel more than just a friendship. SURELY her decision is already made. SURELY.

Sharon, on the other hand, has absolutely nothing to think about, but that doesn't make for a very good story arc, so she's pretending to worry about Nick's 'party boy' ways, such as tha strippaz, etc. She's looking over the questions from the question box, and we're shown a flashback of all the times Nick annoyed her. WE REMEMBER WHEN HE VOMITED AND YOU CLEANED IT UP. IT WAS JUST SO RECENTLY.

The twins have decided to go on a walk (?) together to debrief about the non-decisions they're about to make, but GOODNESS.

SHH PLS THERE'S A FIGHT HAPPENING.

SHHH. Image via Giphy.
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Sharon's found out that Michelle follows Nick on Snapchat and she's ANGRY. When Michelle tells her to, um, get over it, Sharon says, "Michelle I don't follow you on Snapchat, it was a shock."

We just... these women are 31 years old. Why are they fightin' about Snapchat? Does Michelle send nudes to Nick? Coz, yeah, that would be inappropriate. But it's likely they're just exchanging shitty selfies with cat ears that they only open half the time anyway.

But none of that matters. Because Sharon is pissed off and she's not quite sure why, and Michelle is angry but also slightly sorry. This is literally our entire lives in a nutshell.

Now they both look silly because they are very much dressed for a walk and have had to go home.

This is television at it's finest and we will NOT hear anyone argue otherwise.

Ladies, pls.

The producers then tell Sharon that she has to act more torn about her decision, so she keeps throwing around words like "trust" and "Nick", and it's all very repetitive. Meanwhile, Nick is laying on his lounge at home awkwardly picking up a photo of him and Sharon and just staring at it.

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Cool.

Jesse's now moved on to telling his dad that he likes Michelle, and it's as exciting as it sounds. His dad asks, "do you want this relationship or not?" and Jesse says, "yeah, I want to give it a go" and we are DONE. STOP. WE CAN'T ANYMORE.

In Perth, Michelle can't stop reflecting on what a long eight weeks it's been, and all she wants is for her mum to give her permission to break up with Jesse. Her mum is like, "oh no, like it's fine," and Michelle feels validated. She also says she feels "sick to [her] stomach" which ideally isn't how you're meant to feel about your husband.

Sharon has gathered her closest friends together to talk about her trust issues, which personally, is our idea of hell. To change the topic, they ask her about sexy time and she says, "I think we're going somewhere, that's all I'll say about that," and could SOMEONE SPEAK ENGLISH ON THIS GODDAMN SHOW.

Anyway, point is, she's clearly been having a lot of sex.

Sharon explains, "I can't help but not completely trust Nick." Outside, her friend tells a producer, "I don't want to be a shoulder to cry on in another failed relationship. Again." Wow. Okay.

Oh you must be mistaken.

Sharon tells the camera she's "confused as hell," and then says "you have to be 100 per cent sure."

But here's the thing... you don't. You can break up with Nick whenever you want to. You're literally only making a choice to spend like the next day with him, if that.

Nick is getting advice from his friends, who begin every sentence with, "as a mate," which is helpful, because otherwise Nick might not know who they are. Which would be awkward.

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They ask whether it's "love," and when Nick starts talking about how it could be love, they tell him he's getting a bit carried away. But you... never mind.

Eventually one friend tells Nick it's probably not love, it's just "deep like," and this is honestly a conversation that a group of eight year old's would have at lunch time. Oh, he also tells Nick, "you don't really know someone until you've known them." We feel... dumber than before.

It's at this precise moment we realise... where is Trisha. That's not a question, because she has disappeared. She has been absent this entire episode. These goddamn experts are dropping like flies.

OH IT'S COMMITMENT CEREMONY TIME.

Theoretically, we should be sure Sharon and Nick are staying together. But the music, and also the suspense, has started to make us think otherwise. Could she...? For no...? Reason...?

...?

She says there's "uncertainty playing through my mind... at a time where I need certainty," and just none of this is true.

They meet at the altar (?) and yes, her dress is quite pretty. Nick says he's more excited and happy than he's ever been in his entire life, and ends the long spiel by saying, "Sharon Marsh, I love you."

Sharon is still pretending she has doubts, and while she begins by saying some nice things about their relationship, she all of a sudden says it "hasn't always been smooth sailing," and "it's been an eye-opening few days."

Is she going to...? Surely not...

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NA SHE TROLLIN. "Nick Furphy, you have my heart," she says.

They get in a car that says 'Still Married' and we're irrationally angry about it.

That's all well and good, but NOW TO KNOW IF SOMEONE IS GOING TO EAT THEIR OWN POO LIVE ON FACEBOOK.

Michelle is writing her vows to Jesse, and she holds her pen weird. She writes in all capitals, which seems to be a running theme on this show. They flashback to the time Jesse did a number two in front of her, and we're not really sure if that's completely necessary.

Oh.. Jesse's writing his vows, and umm...

Oh.

Michelle has defiantly changed his life.

He's 100 per cent trying to incorporate the door metaphor, but he wants it to be like a running theme, you know? Like a golden thread that runs through his entire speech.

Aww they flashback to that one time Michelle liked Jesse, when she forced him to get a spray tan and then walk down the street with only his undies on. It was humiliating, but hilarious. 

THEY'RE ON THE WAY TO THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY PLS.

Michelle says, "being apart from Jesse has confirmed how I feel," and, "Jesse might be shocked with the decision I've made" - statements which are both sufficiently ambiguous to make us believe there could be poo eating scheduled for 9.30pm.

Jesse says, "hopefully this is just the start for me and Mich." Oh sweetie no.

IT'S STARTING.

Jesse goes first, obviously, because he actually has feelings. But there are two problems with his vows. First, they go for approximately 17 minutes because he clearly didn't time them before hand, which you always do when public speaking. Second, he doesn't mention the door. This isn't looking good. Ultimately, Jesse wants to stay, and literally the entire time he was speaking Michelle's face was saying, "hurry up, I need to break up with you already."

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Stop.

It's Michelle's turn, and NO ONE WANTS TO EAT POO, MICHELLE. REMEMBER THAT.

She begins by telling Jesse, "I still remember so clearly that moment at the altar," which was straight up only eight weeks ago so we would hope she remembers. She reflects on how they haven't argued and how they've been "barely frustrated with each other." Jesus.

Then. It. Happens.

"I do want you in my life forever," she says. "But not as a partner."

Oh. She never found the door.

And with that, Michelle lets Sharon win. She forfeits the prize money, of which there is none. She could commit for eight weeks, but not for life. And now Jesse is left alone and rejected, on a beach in Perth, with no way to get home.

He tells the camera he feels heartbroken, and we feel far sadder than we expected.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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You can catch up on all the episodes of The Recap, here. 

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