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Married at First Sight recap: Two brides are having serious doubts.

Okay, deep breaths please.

We were all underwhelmed with last night’s episode and that needs to be acknowledged.

We’re scared the drama is behind us. This show has been running for two and a half thousand weeks now and it’s possible we’ve exhausted all potential plot lines.

At this point we’ve put our faith in John Aiken, who seems to be implicitly the lead expert and we don’t know how Mel and Trisha feel about that. There’s most definitely unresolved tension there, and we’d like it to be explored in more detail. Thanks.

"This is frankly bullshit."

Tonight begins with Sean and Susan, who are more in love than anyone ever expected.

But they obviously need a complication so Sean semi yells at the camera, "Our lifestyle battle is killing both of us". Jesus, Sean. That sounds a little melodramatic.

The experts are mad that Susan won't just abandon everyone she knows/her job/her entire life to live with Sean on a farm in the middle of nowhere and stir mushy animal food with her bare hands.

Listen: The Recap team delves into tonight's episode. (Post continues after audio.)

Susan says she doesn't know how it's going to work, and this plot is starting to feel tired and also repetitive. We would like them to just do what everyone does: Make the mistake now, and suffer the consequences later. EUGH.

Speaking of being completely DONE with boring AF plot lines, Vanessa and Andy are trying to work out their biggest relationship issue: that Andy doesn't speak and Vanessa would somewhat prefer that he did.

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"I would like to hear what you actually are thinking," Vanessa begs, and there's a lot of silence and weird glances. This does not compute with Andy. When he signed up for this experiment, at no point was he told he would have to speak.

At this point, with Vanessa feeling a bit pissed off, she decides she wants to start a fight with Andy. But he won't fight. Because he won't speak. 

Omg we can't imagine the frustration.

Vanessa reflects, "I have to be okay with the fact I'm not going to get that from this relationship," and by 'that' she means verbal communication. But the experts insist they're a great match because of their "shared sense of adventure", which is frankly ridiculous because literally the only adventurous thing they've done is jump out of a plane and Andy didn't want to do it.

Over on a random hill somewhere, Sharon still has insecurities because of her dream. We're annoyed because we still don't actually know what the dream was and, to be honest, it sounds made up.

"I can't remember it, but it was bad."
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John Aiken explains that at this point, Sharon will be feeling anxious because of Nick's "party boy behaviour". Yet again, we're shown flashbacks of every scene that moderately illustrates Nick's personality.

Pause. The flashbacks... they're too much. Stop. We know. We know all the things that have happened. We would like to make a formal letter of complaint about the fact that AT LEAST 50 PER CENT OF THIS EPISODE IS RE-USED MATERIAL. IT MAKES IT VERY HARD TO RECAP. PLEASE.

Nick reassures Sharon he's in this "for the long haul," which sounds like the exact thing you'd want to hear if you had trust issues. Sharon says she "can't imagine her life" without Nick, and then he gets mad that she's not opening up and says it's all about 'respect' and OMG THERE IS NO ISSUE HERE.

Sharon says, "I don't want to be with a guy who goes to tha strippaz every second weekend" and we feel nostalgic about the episode where Nick said he went to tha strippaz. Those were the days - when things actually happened.

Nick's decided to give Sharon a gift, but, um.

We're just going to leave this here and not say a thing about it.

YOUR HANDWRITING GIVES US ANXIETY.
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Sharon hasn't even made it the whole way through the book when she says, "I wonder what Michelle is doing..." F*ck you Sharon. Michelle is with a man she despises because she wants to beat you, everyone knows that.

"Ah, I won't rub it in her face," she laughs. Because she's lying.

"You will," says Nick, and we hope Michelle does win the prize money after all.

Over at Michelle and Jesse's beach picnic, they're still a thing that's happening and Jesus Christ this needs to have ended 11 weeks ago.

Jesse whips out a letter and Michelle wants to die.

"Is that a letter from you?" Michelle asks, in the same tone as when you get a gift you hate and say something awkward like, "Ohhhh... I'll wear that."

Jesse starts reading his letter and it makes about as much sense as that time he went on a tangent about faking his own death.

"I've seen the door for me to walk through it I need you to find it."

What... the f*ck... are you talking about right now?

No one has any idea what is going on, least of all Michelle, who is clearly angry that she is going to have to pretend the letter isn't sh*t.

This is what would happen if Michelle found the proverbial door:

She'd lay on the door and let Jesse drown. Obviously.
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We stop listening because the tortured door analogy is becoming too uncomfortable.

For Sean and Susan apparently there's "one burning issue left unresolved," and if this isn't a UTI we're going to be pissed.

IT'S THAT THEY LIVE SEPARATELY OMG WE GET IT.

This episode has taught us that watching people think through their issues is... the worst.

STOP. It's Nadia and everything is right in the world.

"I'm not ready to drop everything," she says, and we're reminded she a little bit accidentally became a feminist last night.

They have resorted to doing flashbacks to literally last night and we cannot. We are going to punch someone in the throat. 

Anthony wants to have a chat about when Nadia will come and be his full time wife, even though we're pretty sure that was never definitively agreed upon.

Nadia asks, "Why do I have to make the sacrifice?" and Anthony's annoyed this has now become a thing they have to talk about.

This.. might be a deal breaker.

"The prospect of moving my life is not that daunting to me. I've done it," Anthony says, which begs the question: why don't you move then? If it's so easy? 

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"You pick up your stuff you move somewhere else," he explains to Nadia as though she's a confused five-year-old.

"So much bullsh*t," she whispers, and we audibly groan from pure pleasure.

Nadia is fully aware their relationship would be one-sided, and she would be the one making all the sacrifices.

Anthony asks her whether, if they were seeing each other right now and he asked her on another date, she'd say yes.

Nadia says she doesn't know, and we are sweating beads of joy. 

Anthony laughs and says, "Alright then, we have a problem." No sh*t. But, of course, Nadia's relationship with Anthony isn't the problem. Well, it is, but it's not the biggest problem.

And not in that order.

It's the gossip. It's... gone. And Nadia's cracking. She's not coping. She's anxious and lashing out. This is all very boring without other couples slut-shaming each other and being cruel on boiz nights. She's losing it.

Meanwhile, Alene and Simon's date is... ridiculous. They really like each other. Simon has a surprise for Alene and OMG.

OMG.

It's RAY from THIRSTY MERC.

If you were unsure about whether it was Ray from Thirsty Merc, Simon helpfully tells Alene, "It's Ray from Thirsty Merc."

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Not Ray!

They dance and this whole night is giving us strong Bachelor vibes, but with a much tighter budget and normal-person-style kissing.

In a place far away from Ray from Thirsty Merc, the twins are catching up for a chat. The tension is... amazing.

Michelle tells Sharon about her last date with Jesse, and how he tried to be romantic, and Sharon says, "that surprises me actually."

Oh God Michelle's trying to act as though her date with Jesse was actually good, and starts quoting his terrible door metaphor. She quotes it word for word and it still doesn't make any sense.

Sharon decides it's time to bring out the big guns if Michelle thinks she has any chance of winning this show, so starts recounting her perfect day with Nick and how he pasted photos into a scrapbook with Clag glue and his own hands.

Michelle is clearly jealous. Where was Jesse's Clag glue?

F*ck you Shaz.
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To rub salt in the wound, Sharon says, "He told me he's on his way to being in love with me," which is a sentence no one would actually say in real life because it means precisely nothing.

Both John Aiken and Mel Schilling weigh in on the tension between the sisters, saying twins have a "unique bond" but can also "be competitive." It's an observation only a highly qualified expert could make.

OH GOODNESS Nadia's had to make a new friend to gossip with, and it's Vanessa. But because Nadia's having such strong withdrawals from the gossip, she commits the cardinal crime of gathering gossip: she speaks the entire time. She goes on and on about how she wants something authentic and she wants Anthony to be committed and blah blah blah, and soon realises Vanessa doesn't have any gossip to give, because her fake husband doesn't speak. 

Eugh.

Anthony explains to Nick that Nadia's having reservations, and his attitude is incredibly proactive. "She's struggling, and I can't do much more," he says, despite the fact he has done absolutely nothing up until this point.

OH SHHH PRESENTS PLS.

All of a sudden the couples receive a gift on their doorstep from the experts. It's a DVD. Several jokes are made about the fact that it's 2017 and DVDs are straight up not a thing anymore.

It's their wedding videos... and basically it's just a more creative way to do flashbacks, which we've been watching this entire episode. 

Nadia feels awkward watching hers back, probably because she married Anthony.

Michelle says, "I haven't been true to myself," and WHEN IS SHE GOING TO BREAK UP WITH JESSE FFS.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, right here

Listen to all of the MAFS episodes, recapped, on The Recap podcast:

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