Married at First Sight recap: Nadia smells a rat.

We open with a montage of the many activities the couples have done in the last seven weeks, and we’re reminded yet again that they’re about to make a decision about whether they want to stay together for the rest of their lives.

Except this just… isn’t the case. They can break up literally whenever they want and someone needs to tell John Aiken so he can calm down.

We quickly become aware that there’s going to be a severe lack of drama in the next few episodes, given that Cheryl and Andrew have left. Who’s going to stare at each other with such intense hatred we think someone might actually die? Who’s going to objectify and denigrate their wife in front of everyone and then yell at her to open up more?

Eugh, this sucks.

OH DON'T WORRY. There's still drama - Sharon had a bad dream about Nick last night and that definitely means something very important.

She's genuinely distressed and Nick is trying to calm her down. Jesus.

We're given a bunch of flashbacks about Sharon's trust issues, to make it seem like there's an actual issue here, when there most definitely isn't.

They bring up his membership at 'tha strippaz', which tbh we didn't even know was actually a membership you could have, and that one time he got unnecessarily drunk in front of everyone and vomited three times.

Listen to The Recap: The podcast to listen to after you've watched Married at First Sight. Post continues after audio. 

"I know Nick inside this experiment," she says. "I don't know Nick outside this experiment."

Cool.

Oh GOODNESS NO stop what you're doing RIGHT NOW it's Anthony.

He's buying Nadia a surprise outfit and it's just the worst idea we've ever heard. This will only end badly. You don't know her size, Anthony. But the bigger problem is that you don't care. 

He's in Sheike and someone needs to escort him elsewhere. He needs to not be shopping for Nadia. We've legitimately never been this angry.

Anthony starts looking through dresses, and NO NADIA DEFINITELY DOESN'T LIKE THAT ONE LEAVE HER ALONE. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HER.

He explains to the shop assistant, "she doesn't have the boobs to wear that, she's got no boobs," and shut up Anthony she has better boobs than you.

This is why you don't go clothes shopping for your partner. Because you end up unnecessarily scrutinising their body and then buying them something that ultimately looks stupid. AND THEN THEY HAVE TO WEAR IT. 

What's he doing. He's buying something. He's walking out with a bag. We're so mad omg.

We're just so frustrated that he's attempting to do something for Nadia that isn't gathering gossip. It's not what she wants. Your dress will be the worst.

The experts comment, "One of the things Anthony really struggled with throughout this experiment was being supportive of Nadia's priorities and interests," and we're about 100% sure that's just the definition of a relationship, but whatever.

If this dress actually fits Nadia we'll know for sure that this show is a lie.

Once again, we're sincerely sorry Nadia that any of this happened to you. You don't deserve it.

Simon's taking Alene out, and they're being cute. He surprises her with the same stretch limo they had for their wedding, because 'throwback', 'memories', etc. etc.

By this point, we're noticing something that's really annoying us.

The. Goddamn. Flashbacks.

STOP.

WE WERE THERE. WE HAVEN'T MISSED ANYTHING. WE REMEMBER THE WEDDING LIKE IT WAS LAST WEEK BECAUSE IT WAS LITERALLY ONLY A FEW WEEKS AGO. THIS IS OUR LIVES NOW. EXPECT MORE FROM US.

Oh no. Mel is on her high horse about how "Susan said she would move for love," so why won't she just go live with Sean in the middle of nowhere, completely isolated from everything she's ever known? Mel gets judgy and impatient about this approximately once a week, and we don't appreciate it at all.

Vanessa and Andy are having a similar issue, namely that they do not even a little bit live in the same place. Vanessa is cautious about long distance given that it relies so heavily on your partner speaking words, and Andy often struggles to do so.

They decide to tackle the complication head on by jumping out of an aeroplane for precisely no reason.

No.

Why do people always need to jump out of planes on TV shows? It's a) not that interesting to watch and b) contributes nothing to the story line.

Bla bla we wish Andy's mum would come back and start sh*t. Eugh.

Michelle is facing a different sort of crisis, in that she can barely tolerate Jesse but desperately wants to win Season 4 of Married at First Sight. 

She says she's still here because she made a 'commitment' seven weeks ago.

Michelle... how do we put this?

This commitment you made was... it was fake. It was not legally binding in any conceivable way.

Furthermore, this is why there are weekly commitment ceremonies. So you can LEAVE WHEN YOU NO LONGER HAVE FEELINGS.

Michelle tells the camera that she feels pressure to define feelings she is unsure of and says a bunch of words which mean incredibly little.

Jesse is writing her a love letter in the next room which gives us a sad/pathetic feeling, and Michelle is on her bed crying. Eventually it gets too much and she says, "It's written all over my face... I can't do this," and storms out.

But then she reappears because a producer sat her down and said, "Michelle, babes, you sure you want Sharon to win this? You've made it this far..."

OH NO NADIA HAS ARRIVED HOME AND HER STUPID GIFT IS THERE.

Anthony has left a note all written in capital letters because of course it is.

"I'VE CHOSEN A BEAUTIFUL DRESS FOR YOU TO WEAR," he explains and... ew. It feels very Fifty Shades and we mean that in the worst way possible.

You can just tell that Nadia feels pissed off that this is a thing she is going to have to wear on her body.

She starts freaking out because she's a woman with taste, and says "I'm literally not feeling good at all."

Look. We're going to be honest, the dress is an awkward length. And a slightly strange cut. Like it's fine, but Nadia would have never chosen it herself because she's better than that.

"I'm feeling a bit fragile," she says and OMG she is legit having withdrawals from the gossip but so are we. 

On the other side of Sydney, Alene and Simon are having a romantic rooftop dinner and we like them a lot. They reflect on the journey of Simon's hair, and Alene says she wants to "squish him." Alene, pls. Not in public.

Jesse is taking Michelle on a boat, and she describes it as "A little stroll on the boat around the corner," which is most definitely the wrong use of the word 'stroll'.

In the same sentence Michelle says that he's doing something really nice and that it's "really out of character". She is confused and slightly pissed off. Ultimately, she wants Jesse to stop loving her because it's inconvenient. They both need to be on the same page about what this is: a competition with little to no prize money at the end. They only have to pretend to be romantically involved in front of the other couples, anything else is a waste of time/energy.

During Nick and Sharon's FINAL ROMANTIC DATE at Luna Park (... really?) they continue to discuss Sharon's dream and holy shit it's boring to talk about dreams. She says she's unsure about whether she's ready to renew her vows and THIS IS ALL ABOUT A DREAM. NOTHING HAS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Susan and Sean are having an overnight stay in the country, which Susan describes as "la de da," and we know exactly what she means. The following morning they wake up at 4am to go hot air ballooning, and they don't hate each other? We no compute. It seems lovely but they woke up at 4am. That's simply heinous. Nothing is worth waking up that early for. Nothing.

Meanwhile, Nadia's still reflecting on her relationship with Anthony, and says when it comes down to it, "I feel like he wouldn't change a thing for me." That's the truest thing we've ever heard. It's as though Nadia's having a feminist awakening, and all of a sudden she says, "I think for myself, and I do what's right for me."

YES NADIA. YOU DO YOU.

Oh no, she still has to go on this stupid date with Anthony. When she arrives, he's lurking in the forest and this whole thing looks like a scene straight out of Twilight. He compliments her on her dress, and he's wearing his wedding suit, and ughhhh we're squirming.

Anthony's organised for a private opera in the forest, because apparently Nadia likes music. That's all well and good, but there's one thing she definitely loves more than music, and it's gossip. So this is really a huge disappointment for everyone.

Nadia's forced to watch opera singers perform while looking her in the eye, and she's doing that thing where she smiles when Anthony looks at her but then wants to die as soon as he looks away.

Anthony doesn't wear socks and our opinion of him is now solidified.

We can't believe this episode is almost over and nothing has happened. Seriously. Wow.

There's some build up around Jesse giving Michelle the letter he wrote but we actually can't remember whether he ended up giving it to her. Legit. No memory of whether he read it out or made her read it. Probably because it was so uneventful/she tried to downplay it as much as possible.

Sharon and Nick are still have non-issues over the dream Sharon had about Nick not being trustworthy.

Guys... this is the major plot point for tonight's episode. This is what happens when you get rid of Andrew and Cheryl. Jesus.

Nick opens up to Sharon, and then asks her to open up, but then they play tense music to make it sound like there's a problem. There doesn't appear to be any kind of problem. She starts crying - probably because of her dream.

Hopefully tonight she has a sex dream about John Aiken and decides she's been attracted to him all along. Now that is a plot point.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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