SEAN AND SUSAN!
It turns out our favourite mining employees, who work in the mines and are therefore inherently compatible, because they can talk about the mines, stayed up until SIX A.M. on their wedding night.
Now that one couple are so enamored with each other's faces they've temporarily forgotten they live on opposite ends of the country, the experts are tasked with matching a man they describe as "the most challenging groom we've ever come across."
Have they completely forgotten about Jono from season two, who was super picky about what his bride had to look like, and then turned out to have quite severe anger issues?
Or Keller from season three, who slut-shamed someone and then tried to fight her fake husband?
But apparently the most "challenging groom" is Michael, a.k.a. Australia's Pickiest Bloke. He wants a woman who's physically active, eats healthily, has small ears, good teeth, and is under 60kg. He doesn't like that "pretentious, fake look"; he wants "someone who can wake up in the morning and not worry about makeup and all of that." But oh no, don't worry, it's fine if she has fake boobs. No really that's fine. That's no big deal.
On the weekends, Michael works as a 'malestrippa.' It takes us a while to decipher what he's saying but it appears he's trying to tell us he's a 'male stripper.'
He says that if he's matched with someone ugly he won't go through with the wedding.
Listen: The Recap team discusses tonight's episode. (Post continues after embed.)
The experts are struggling to think of someone to match Michael with, which is odd because they have so much science to go off. How about the pheromones? And the intensive personality testing? And the wires and cords and similarly technical things?
Eventually they match Michael with Scarlett, who describes herself as a "char-meelion." And we're done. But actually this time.
Other than that, we think the best way to describe Scarlett would be: 'stay-at-home daughter.'
The experts then match Nadia, who unequivocally had a camera shoved in her face until she finally cried, with Anthony, who has an ambiguous job with horses. It's a match made in heaven, really.
EXPERT MATCH THREE: Michael and Scarlett.
- Scarlett appears to have small ear lobes.
- They have nothing in common.
EXPERT MATCH FOUR: Anthony and Nadia.
- Have never met.
- Matched by experts with a poor track record.
It's time for Scarlett to tell her "mum and her friends" that she is marrying a complete stranger, which is always a little uncomfortable. But even more awkward, is that... Scarlett, honey, they... they don't look like your friends.
Do you have any friends your own age, sweetie?
EXCUSE US IT'S TIME FOR MICHAEL AND SCARLETT'S WEDDING PLS.
It's being held at the same place we had our Year 12 formal. That's just an observation, there's no value judgment attached to that statement.
As Michael and Scarlett are getting ready, their thoughts pertain exclusively to how their future partner will look. "Looks are important to me," says Michael, as though this is a realisation he's just had. "I'm expecting to see someone beautiful. Petite, toned, fit, nice smile, white teeth..."
"If she's like me, but a girl, brilliant," he says, which might be the most arrogant thing we've ever heard.
Meanwhile, Scarlett is hoping her future fake-husband has "hair... I like hair," and enthusiastically comments, "when I was growing up, I pictured my perfect wedding. This is definitely it."
YOU DON'T KNOW THE GROOM.
But despite the flawless basis upon which this match has been made, the moment Scarlett's mum lays eyes on Michael standing at the altar, there's a problem.
Oh, oh no.
You see, Michael hasn't acknowledged Maree (Scarlett's mum) and she is very sour about it. Which would be fair enough, except for the fact that he probably has NO IDEA what you look like given you are YET TO MEET.
Anyway, Michael is nervous that his bride will be ugly and Scarlett is worried that her groom will find her ugly. EUGH.
There is suspense, and facial expressions, but in the end they are both adequately pleased.
Over at Anthony and Nadia's wedding, we can't stop looking at Anthony's immaculately groomed brows.
He's nervous and wants this to be the last date he ever goes on.
The experts say these sorts of situations (forced televised marriages with strangers broadcast to nearly one million people) can make some people feel "insecure". And Dr Trisha Stratford is loving it.
Nadia walks down the aisle, and when she reaches Anthony, he breaks the ice with a perfect one-liner: "Is that your nanna that walked down with you?"
It was... it was her mum. We've never seen a couple seemingly get divorced before they get married.
Their body language is awkward, their vows are awkward, and when Anthony goes to put Nadia's wedding ring on her finger, it doesn't fit.
Anthony's ring doesn't fit either, and he's clearly pissed off, which makes the whole getting-fake-married-in-front-of-everyone-you-know-on-national-television-with-wrongly-sized-rings thing all the more uncomfortable. But let's be honest, we all know who's responsible.
Nadia refuses to kiss Anthony, mostly because no part of her wants to. They then have to pose for wedding photos, and you can tell that Anthony is kind of... mad that Nadia didn't kiss him. And Nadia's all like "I don't know you" and Anthony's full like "IT WAS PART OF THE DEAL."
Back at Scarlett and Michael's wedding, can we please acknowledge the elephant in the room?
Why... why does Scarlett speak with a semi-American accent? Her mother is not American. She lives in Australia.
Anywho, Scarlett, who manages to balance her stay-at-home daughter gig with being an "aspiring writer," has written her own vows. She promises Michael she will "protect you from zombies," and "open my heart to loving you as much as I love my credit card."
Michael laughs because Scarlett is blonde and has a fit body.
They kiss, and it's nothing short of horrifying.
Scarlett literally has to wipe her face of Michael's protein-infused saliva.
At the reception, Maree is still fuming that Michael hasn't acknowledged her, so she runs around starting shit.
"Michael didn't make any eye contact with me when he was waiting," she yells at Michael's brother.
"It didn't go down very well. As a sociologist, observationist..." she says, as though an 'observationist' is a) a thing, and b) the same as a sociologist.
At one point she literally starts oinking to symbolise what a pig Michael has been.
But then CRISIS: Scarlett has written the funniest speech, but she can't find it.
"It was so funny. It was my best work," she says, before adding, "I wrote something really funny, really heartfelt... it was so funny."
We want to say this every time we have a speech to make and fake-lose it.
Uh oh. Someone found it. We'll just transcribe it here because that's something that needs to happen ok thanks:
"Hi. Hello. So. I wanted to thank you all for being here today, for taking time off work for the free drinks, I mean my wedding."
*PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER*
"To my mum, you are such a beautiful, strong, amazing woman, thanks for putting up with me... I could not have done it without your credit cards, I mean you."
"Hopefully you get to know me, and you approve, but if not I offer a 30 day money back guarantee. Fully refundable!"
By God it's finally over.
The experts have trolled Michael and we love it.
After a very long wait, Michael finally approaches Maree, because she's been telling everyone he's ever met that he's a pig and it's getting inappropriate. Straight up, she tells him she has "reservations."
Within seconds, he's talking about training and fitness, so Maree thinks it's very important to let him know, "Scarlett's not very athletic." MUM!
"You're not going to want her out jogging?" she asks, concerned.
But, indeed, Michael does. He explains that Scarlett has a hot-bod and thus must be fit. Silly Maree.
Crisis number three revolves around whether or not Michael should tell Scarlett he is a malestrippa. He says it's probably best to wait until tomorrow to let her know he is a malestrippa.
Back at Anthony and Nadia's wedding, they're literally discussing sleep. Kill us.
And on that note...UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
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