tv

Married at First Sight recap: Andrew and Cheryl have it out in front of the experts.

  1. Excuse us, but this show continues to be more interesting than both our lives put together.

We open tonight on all the couples waking up the morning after the dinner party, and all we want is for John Aiken to go completely rogue, gather them all together and SHOW THEM WITH THEIR EYES the footage of Andrew at tha boiz night.

Please, John. Pls.

Andrew is in a separate apartment to Cheryl, further indicating that neither party are even moderately adhering to the experiment, and are just desperately trying to get their money’s worth.

Listen to The Recap: The podcast to listen to after you’ve watched Married at First Sight. Post continues after audio.

You can’t just go on Married at First Sight, not be married, stay in separate apartments and quite literally hate each other and not be thrown out. Do they sign contracts? Like… at all?

Anywho, Andrew is complaining about Cheryl, and then picks up a black sock and intensely sniffs it on national television.

Cool.

Oh. Are they clean orrr... ?

He is then pictured drinking a Corona at what legitimately looks like 11am.

Sean and Susan on the other hand, are growing more and more madly in love and are only a little bit here for the free apartment.

Susan is in awe of how Sean stood up for Cheryl last night and says his "values shone through".

They are everything that's good about the world and if we talk about it anymore we'll cry.

Over in Michelle and Jesse's apartment, a crisis is unfolding. Michelle doesn't know what's more important; her own happiness/being honest with herself/meeting the right person/respecting Jesse, or beating Sharon. So far, the latter has prevailed.

ADVERTISEMENT
But... there IS no money.

Michelle tells Jesse that they've been dancing around a relationship for some time, and avoid "tricky questions and conversati..." but before she's even finished that word Jesse says "AH WELL I'LL WAIT OUT HERE FOR YOU," and exits the room. Lol.

In a piece to camera, Michelle says her gut and her heart are telling her to leave. And also Jesse's farting. It's unclear what the argument for staying is other than the non-existent prize money and beating her twin sister Sharon at marriage which we're pretty sure isn't meant to be a competition but whatever.

Nadia is having a chat to Vanessa and Alene in preparation for the commitment ceremony, and is considering how she's going to navigate her relationship with Anthony after the experiment. But... why?

She's talking about moving states and we're worried that all the drama and excitement has brainwashed Nadia into thinking she wants to be with Anthony. Which is obviously ridiculous.

Also, she's not being herself. She's sitting with Alene and Vanessa, NEITHER of whom ever have any gossip.

"Gossip is a full time career."
ADVERTISEMENT

OH - PAUSE PLS. IGNORE WHAT WE SAID.

We were silly to have ever doubted Nadia. She's obviously sent Anthony to speak to Andrew about how he's going, and is enjoying frequent text updates.

Andrew tells Anthony that he doesn't feel bad at all. HOW DO THESE MEN NOT REALISE EVERYTHING WAS FILMED. AND IT'S GONNA BE ON TV SOON.

Michelle and Sharon are debriefing, and Michelle is desperately seeking permission to leave.

She's worried Jesse has developed actual feelings and is taking this whole being fake married/meeting the families/falling in love thing seriously. So awks.

Jesus. No, Michelle. No.

EVERYONE CALM DOWN IT'S THE FINAL COMMITMENT CEREMONY AND THE ADS PROMISED US ONE COUPLE WOULD LEAVE, THANK YOU.

ADVERTISEMENT

John Aiken explains to us that they are one week away from the "ultimate decision," because apparently in real life couples can never just decide to break up out of their own free will. No. Next week will be a decision they make for the rest of their lives. 

The first couple up are Sean and Susan, and Andrew goes on his bizarre tangent about how Sean is a horseman, and horseman only love horsewomen (we've warned you once mate, shut the f**k up about Sean and Susan...)

Okay, no. Why does Anthony continue to think he is the narrator of this show? "Suze is NOT a horsewoman," he says. "End of story." Firstly, don't call her 'Suze'. Secondly, don't tell her she's not a horsewoman.

Why does he even care so much? Why is he so weirdly invested in Sean and Susan's relation...

Oh.

"What do you reckon???"

He may have made some morally questionable comments, but Anthony knows the way to Nadia's heart. And it's through a) pointless speculation and b) goss. Obviously.

Anyway, John Aiken asks Sean how the dinner party was because the experts watched it on a tiny screen probably like 15 metres away, and did precisely nothing to help.

Sean says he was scared and uncomfortable but did the right thing anyway, mostly because he had Susan by his side. EUGH. WHY DOESN'T SEAN GET A PRIZE OR SOME SHIT.

Predictably they both stay because they are blissfully happy and are going to die lying next to each other at 94 in their sleep.

ADVERTISEMENT

Next up are Nadia and Anthony.

Trisha asks if they've worked on their intimacy, and specifically mentions Anthony's comments last week that Nadia was "frigid".

Nadia laughs and says "how funny," but it wasn't funny at all. And Anthony isn't even a little bit reprimanded for using the word 'frigid'. FRIGID ISN'T A THING YOU CAN JUST SAY.

He then dives into an elaborate description about how they've reached another level, and how he has been more attentive, thoughtful and considerate of Nadia. Eugh. He is literally even arrogant about his relationship.

They decide to stay for different reasons. Both equally as wrong.

"I'm committed to the gossip. You know that."

Alene and Simon are next, and there's literally never been less tension in the lead up to a reality TV decision. Alene likes Simon's hair, and Simon can't leave because Alene has attached a device to his ankle which tells her where he is at all times (when he's not in his cage).

They both choose to stay.

Oh Jesus. Next are Vanessa and Andy.

They like each other, but Vanessa isn't keen on trying to make a relationship work while living in different states. Trisha pulls out her classic line, "but you did say you would move for love..." which raises two questions:

  1. Your goddamn questionnaire can't be very valid if everyone who said they would move for love actually DON'T want to when presented with the opportunity in real life. It's almost as if... you can't predict... relationships.... with... science.
  2. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE.

Maybe Vanessa said she would move for love. But she is not, by any means, in love with Andy. Ipso facto: She not movin.

ADVERTISEMENT

Andy says some things. They're not clear. They both choose to stay.

Next up are Sharon and Nick, and God we're not so sure Michelle can handle this right now. She just needs to pretend like everyone hates their fake husband and thinks this show is a joke, but Sharon really isn't helping.

"We'll be buying a house with the prize money."

Nick says, "I'm open to moving where ever, as long as I'm with Sharon," and we think this couple could actually be... in love? Michelle wants to die but isn't sure how to appropriately do so in public.

Sharon and Nick choose to stay and OH NO now it's Michelle and Jesse's turn and that contrast is deeply, deeply unfair.

Jesse tells the experts things have changed for him this week, and he's decided to open up to Michelle about how he feels. Obviously, this was a terrible decision, and everyone knows except Jesse.

Michelle is awkward AF, but Jesse just says she's "worth fighting for."

Oh honey no.

Mel, being the sensitive, educated, insightful human she is, can sense Michelle is looking uncomfortable. 

"I sense you're on TV. And also that you're fake married."
ADVERTISEMENT

Michelle is now on the spot, and has to somehow find a way to justify the fact she's on national TV, faking a marriage with a guy she doesn't like. At all.

She thanks Jesse for opening up.

Cool.

She then starts crying, and says it's been a 'hard week.'

FFS.  You're living rent-free in a Sydney apartment, with your twin sister a few doors away, free access to counselling, constant free food and alcohol, as well as gals like Nadia to gossip with. What do you mean it's been a 'hard week?'

Oh. Right. Jesse's farting. Sorry - we temporarily forgot.

She explains that by this stage, she wants to feel more. And if she's not feeling a certain way, she's not going to fake it. She says with Jesse it's a tug-of-war between friendship and more-than-a-friendship.

Yep. That's the thing about farting. It blasts you straight into the friend-zone.

She's crying now. Surely, SURELY this is it. She needs to go. She needs to let Jesse be. 

FARTIN IS ALWAYS FUNNY.
ADVERTISEMENT

"We almost agree we're going to be friends," she says, and we're convinced that's the nail in the coffin. Michelle is walking away with her dignity. She's not staying on this show purely for the free stuff. This was always about finding love and she hasn't found it, so it's time to leave.

But... but then she starts saying something vague about the "commitment" she made to Jesse on "that day." Oh no. She means her fake wedding day. NO. That wasn't a real commitment. YOU NEED TO LEAVE MICHELLE. YOU REALLY NEED TO LEAVE.

She stays.

No. Nope.

Right. Okay. So logic is no longer a thing on this show. At least now we know.

Oh, and look. It's Andrew and Cheryl's turn. Going by the terrible decisions being made tonight they're going to decide tonight is the perfect night to announce their goddamn engagement to the experts. John Aiken can be the celebrant at the wedding. Trish and Mel can be flower girls. What a plan.

Wait, pause.

This is going to be hectic. We've been waiting for this for several nights. There's no time for jokes.

Andrew tells the experts he's been willing to "give so much up," and all he's asking for is a decent conversation. He doesn't feel like he can get there with Cheryl - who shuts him down when he tries to get to know her. "She's not interested," he says. "I can't remember the last time she asked me how I was."

ADVERTISEMENT

This is a big moment for Cheryl. She didn't know you were meant to ask people how they are. Now she's trying to play it cool while also maintaining a generally frustrated attitude towards Andrew.

Surely it's someone's job to tell me this stuff.

The experts ask how Cheryl and Andrew thought they communicated at the dinner party.

Ha.

Hahahahaha.

Ahhh. Classic.

Cheryl says "terrible," and Andrew says something vague. She asks him, "how do you expect me to respond when you're mimicking me?" and he responds, "when was this?"

NO, GUYS.

This isn't a joke. Andrew has amnesia. It's not that he's being a bad person and trying to ignore his bad behaviour. He actually can't remember. This is like the plot of an episode of House. Cheryl's angry but it's not Andrew's fault he has developed this terrible brain condition that stops him from remembering. Oh goodness this is so sad.

Oh... wait.

Now he seems to remember. He says "I'd just had enough." Okay, yeah. That sounds like a pretty accurate reflection of how he seemed to be feeling.

OMG John Aiken asks Andrew to describe what happened at the boiz night.

ADVERTISEMENT

STAND DOWN. IT ALL BE HAPPENIN UP IN HERE.

No guys I'm serious.

He explains it was just "a lighthearted boys night," and says he was "totally confused about who was offended and what was said."

John Aiken asks if he had Cheryl's back, and when Andrew gives vague answer #165, Aiken gets CRANKY.

Please, dude.

Can you just roll out a goddamn TV and PLAY THE FOOTAGE FOR EVERYONE.

Who cares about ethics and duty of care and being a good psychologist. We're past that now. This is about television, and the things that make it good. And what makes it good is showing an entire group Andrew slagging off his fake wife while he pretends he never did.

Pllllleeeease. It's so simple.

GOODNESS. John Aiken asks Sean if he thinks Andrew crossed the line. Sean says he did, because Sean isn't a reality TV contestant, but a martyr from another time.

"I still don't know what was said and who said it," says Andrew.

To the surprise of anyone who gave up on the prospect of people making logical decisions on this show, both Cheryl and Andrew choose to leave. Andrew hugs Anthony and says "miss you already," and we actually shudder.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook here

00:00 / ???