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Married at First Sight recap: We are so angry right now.

THIS SHOW IS GIVING US SEVERE ANXIETY AND WE ALL NEED TO STOP AND MEDITATE FOR A MOMENT OR MAYBE SEVERAL HOURS, PLEASE.

We begin with three and a half minutes of flashbacks and we legitimately get angry every time they do this because we know very well what has happened. We were all there. This show routinely underestimates our dedication, and also our capacity to remember things that occurred yesterday.

Cheryl and Andrew’s “relationship boot camp” continues, which we’re going to reiterate is definitely not something you should need after 14 days of dating.

They’ve been given a rogue question box by John Aiken, who appears to have 100 per cent run out of ideas.

Listen: The Recap team debriefs on all the drama. (Post continues after audio.)

Cheryl pulls out the question, “What do you like the most about me?” which is a difficult thing to ask someone who definitively voted to leave you a few days ago.

Andrew says she’s assertive and gets things done efficiently, which sounds far more like a work performance review than a compliment, but whatever.

It’s then Cheryl’s turn to answer, and she says, “Hmmmmmmm”.

Okay. Pause.

We don’t want to make unfair assumptions about these people, but it feels a lot like… Cheryl is maybe trolling Andrew. Which is fine, because Andrew deserves to be trolled, but it’s also not, because Cheryl needs to not be on this show anymore.

You're annoyin.
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We all know that her honest answer is, "Your company means I get free rent in Sydney AND complimentary meals," but alas she settles on, "You appear to like some stuff so that's a thing..."

Cool.

Speaking of trolling, the next question Aiken put in the box regards sexual chemistry.

Andrew says he's attracted to Cheryl and we're not sure if we heard right... but he mutters something about 15 per cent? Like he is 15 per cent attracted to her? Well, sh*t. #Couplegoals.

But then Cheryl one ups him and says there's "definitely not" a spark and she's not attracted to him at all. Jesus.

In the car on the way home, Cheryl says she's waiting for something to change and it didn't happen today. It's unclear a) what she wants to change, b) why she wants anything to change when she doesn't like/isn't attracted to Andrew, and c) how this will ever work when Andrew has a restraining order against her father. Eugh.

We cross to Alene, who is attempting to sell Sydney to Simon, and Simon is wearing dad sunglasses and no, we cannot.

Awwww.

Oh no. Michelle is having her daily internal battle about on the one hand not liking Jesse at all, and on the other, wanting to beat her sister Sharon at Married at First Sight. 

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Last night, Jesse told Michelle he pictured her being the mother of his children. She's having a lot of feelings, and one of them is most definitely guilt.

Yet again she breaks down speaking to a producer, and says, "After six weeks spending every day with someone I think you should bloody know if it's going to work or not." But you do Michelle. You know it's not going to work out. You just want to stay with Sharon. 

SHHH IT'S TIME FOR THE DINNER PARTY.

Everyone's getting dressed up, but no one more so than Nadia, who is trying to impress tonight's gossip.

I look good, right?

She's asked about Anthony, and says a really weird line about him being "cute." She clearly wasn't prepared for anyone to talk to her about him, and her awkward attempt to feign feelings for him is literally the most disingenuous thing we've ever heard.

The two are talking about dinner, and Nadia dismisses any suggestions that there'll be drama. "No, it'll just be good to catch up with everyone," she says. Lol.

OMG yes, Anthony's telling Nadia about the boiz night and what Andrew said about Cheryl. She's smiling with pure happiness because this gives her life. It's all worth it now. She knows something is going to go down tonight, and she's glad she dressed up for it.

At this point it becomes clear Anthony sees absolutely nothing wrong with what happened at boiz night. Cheryl is fair game because she's a woman - a woman with fake breasts, no less. But Andrew's a gentleman, because lots of gentlemen make fun of their fake wives behind their backs and make creepy air gestures of grasping their boobs.

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Don't you see Nadia? Sometimes I feel like you don't see.

As Sharon and Nick get ready, she asks if he's excited for dinner, and he makes a sly comment about it being "complimentary."

OK WE'VE KNOWN THIS ALL ALONG.

Everyone is only here for the free food. And alcohol. And rent. And gossip. But mostly the food.

They got free KFC, for God's sake.

In Simon and Alene's apartment, Simon's describing the crass comments tha boiz made about Cheryl. "For starters, you just don't talk like that about women," he says. "The woman's done nothing wrong, for God's sake."

It's so eerie seeing normal people with a hint of moral fibre on reality TV. It's... bizarre.

John Aiken takes over the show (as usual) by reminding us it's not long until these people will have to make "the biggest decision of their lives," which is frankly... not true. THEY HAVE FREE WILL OUTSIDE THIS EXPERIMENT, JOHN. COMMITMENT CEREMONIES AREN'T THE ONLY TIME ANYONE CAN EVER BREAK UP. FFS.

Meanwhile, Trish is sick of John talking and we have a screenshot to prove it.

Do you ever just... shut up?
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At the dinner party, everyone has finally arrived and Trisha thinks she might be sensing some tension between Cheryl and Andrew, who have explicitly stated that they hate each other.

Nadia is busy gathering gossip first from Cheryl and then Andrew, which is both proactive and extremely effective. She has also strategically placed Anthony on the opposite side of the room to keep an ear out for anything interesting she might miss.

John Aiken feels disappointed in what he is seeing between the pair after he invested so much in their elaborate 'boot camp' (you... you gave them a box of questions and that's it. Wtf), and says tonight will reveal if there is a "bond between them, or if they're two very separate, angry individuals."

Some European boy emerges and announces it's dinner time and we have no idea where he even came from.

OMG STOP. Sharon tells Nadia that her earrings make her look like J-Lo and we totally called her J-Lo like two weeks ago because she is a goddess. 

Anthony then tries to be like "OH YEAH I CALL HER J-LO AND EVA MENDES BUT MORE BEAUTIFUL," and Nadia is having none of it, both because she finds his compliments weird and embarrassing, and also because it's very much detracting from the gossip.

Pls shut up Anthony.
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Over the other side of the table, Andrew and the twins manage to exclude a) everyone at the dinner party and b) the entire nation from their conversation, as they talk about their mixed netball team. None of us play for your team, guys. We don't care. 

Jesse starts feeling awkward so says, "Wanna hear a good story?" before being shut down by Michelle yelling, "Get back in your box." This dinner party is the worst.

Ah, f*ck.

Jesse's gone rogue.

He felt weird so now he's gone on this tangent about how to fake your own death and it involves pulling your own teeth out and now we understand why he usually doesn't say much.

Even John Aiken is cringing and we want to die.

This makes me want to fake my own death.
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Michelle feels embarrassed that she's affiliated with Jesse and says, "Yeah no, you lost it."

Nadia then decides to tell everyone how deep her feelings are for Anthony, which is ridiculous, primarily because they are not.

She uses a lot of words like "compassion" and "empathy", and our guess is that Nadia has discovered you get better gossip if you also give gossip. So this is her attempt.

But guys... she's missing it.

It's Andrew. He decides to list off women he finds hot, and Cheryl interjects, "If I said your mates were hot you'd lose it."

And then he bloody cracks.

"You're so full of shit, hey," Andrew says to Cheryl.

ANDREW JONES. You watch yourself.

Cheryl replies, "Don't say I'm full of shit."

OH. NO.

STOP PLS.

Andrew just made fun of how Cheryl speaks and what kind of grown man does that?

The experts are genuinely horrified. "So now he's getting really nasty," Mel Schilling says.

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Andrew and Cheryl start publicly fighting and neither of us can actually sit still. It's so uncomfortable, but also so perfect...

"How am I meant to care about someone who doesn't even have my back?" Cheryl asks, before specifically mentioning the 'boiz night.' As soon as those words, come out of her mouth, this happens:

Uh oh.

Cheryl asks Nick directly what happened, and he replies, "The boys night was all about the boys."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

He goes on to say they had the best time they've ever had... Look. We get there was KFC, but that was the only redeeming feature. It wasn't the best night ever.

JUST KIDDING OF COURSE IT WAS.

The boiz continue to harp on about how they were just talking about bro stuff and being boys, and no one is standing up for Cheryl. Where's Sean?

Oh, there he is. And he's about to burst. FINALLY he speaks up. "I'll tell you my side of it," he says. YES PLS.

He says he felt uncomfortable about the boiz night and what was said about Cheryl, but Andrew INTERRUPTS HIM saying, "I think you're tripping, bro."

Pause.

Sean isn't 'tripping.' Sean doesn't 'trip.' Sean is perhaps the most genuine human being we've ever seen on television. We trust Sean implicitly, not only because he has beautiful honest eyes, but because we literally have footage that shows what he's saying is true.

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You're far too good for this Sean.

Andrew continues to criticise Cheryl's tone, and at one point John Aiken commends her for "remaining calm."

"She's on point," he says, which is a very odd phrase for a qualified psychologist to use.

NO IT'S ESCALATING PLEASE.

Anthony says it was all light-hearted and that if anything cruel was said, he must've been out of the room. Wait... Anthony says mean things about Cheryl when she's right in front of him? In what context would he have not participated in bitching behind her back?

Oh, and he also was in the room. It was filmed, you see.

"You shouldn't doubt whether Andrew has your back. He's been a gentleman the whole time," says Anthony, and WHAT THE HELL EVEN IS A GENTLEMAN REALLY.

DON'T TELL US WHO BE GENTLEMENS.
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People start suggesting that perhaps Sean is just "sensitive" and that's why he was so upset by the comments Andrew made about Cheryl.

He's a dad, so, you know. He gets weird about that stuff.

Noooo. Nope.

Simon eventually says he also felt uncomfortable at the boiz night, but it's too late.

Andrew's already won.

This show is so f*cked up.

UNTIL NEXT WEEK.

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Listen to all of the MAFS episodes, recapped, on The Recap podcast:

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