We begin with a three minute reminder of what we’re watching and why, and it’s both necessary (because there wasn’t an episode last night and we’re feeling lost and/or abandoned) and also unnecessary, because pls, we already know.
We have forgotten precisely nothing between last week and now, because Married at First Sight is our life but also our life is Married at First Sight. There was an epic sexist showdown at the dinner party, where Anthony and identical twins Michelle and Sharon basically told Cheryl to GTFO, and that she doesn’t deserve a second chance in the competition with Andrew.
Note: This is not, in any way, a competition.
Then everyone yelled 'JONESY!' (Andrew's nickname) 82 times for no reason as though they were part of some bizarre cult, and even the experts were like, "Err, no but actually what the hell is wrong with everyone?"
Anywho, tonight Andrew and Cheryl are moving in together, after their first fake marriages fell through.
Andrew's bride literally ran away from him and was a missing person for a few days, and Cheryl's husband got distracted texting another man's fake wife.
But as a wise man once said, "The solution to one failed fake marriage is to jump into another fake marriage immediately."
Susan is very angry about what she calls the "complete bullying" at the dinner party, where Anthony told Cheryl her relationship better work out with Andrew, or else "you're going to look like a f**king idiot."
The irony of Anthony telling someone else they're going to look like an idiot does not escape us.
Listen: The Recap team discusses tonight's episode. (Post continues after audio.)
Sharon is also encountering issues with Nick, who admitted that he likes to go to 'tha stripperz' quite regularly, because it's a good place for a chat with his mates.
Tonight is commitment ceremony number TWO, where each couple must sit in front of the experts as well as all the other couples and say 'yeah, kay,' or 'nah, soz' to the whole being fake married thing. It has not yet been explained why everyone must be present while each couple discusses their personal issues but we are absolutely not complaining.
First up are Simon and Alene.
It turns out all of us have just assumed Simon likes Alene without ever actually having asked him. This is a problem.
After careful consideration, we
think know he is definitely resentful about his hair. The experts put him on the spot and ask him to tell Alene how he feels about her, and he essentially says, "I don't hate her." Everyone claps.
They decide to stay together and he kisses her on the cheek because a producer told him to.
Next are Vanessa and Andy, and we both agree that in reality television history, no couple has ever had less screen time than these two. They're feelings are equally as... eh. They both stay because why not? And also free rent in Bondi.
Jesse and Michelle are up next and they continue to have about as much chemistry as two rocks who hate each other.
Apparently Jesse likes sitting inside watching movies, whereas Michelle occasionally enjoys leaving the house. We feel like there is room for compromise, but it soon becomes clear that this is not the real problem.
The real issue is that Jesse told Michelle he has begun to feel unwell because he is holding in his farts too much.
First, you do a number two on the toilet in front of your fake wife. Then, you try to get her sympathy by saying you were holding in your farts and it was hurting your butt.
This is ridiculous. This is not an adult relationship.
The experts tackle this issue like it's legitimate, and use words like 'mystery' to describe what Michelle needs from this relationship.
What Michelle needs is Jesse to be gone. She needs Jesse to be gone and Sharon to move in, because frankly, Sharon's relationship is a little intimidating, and she's starting to feel threatened by Nick.
We feel really embarrassed on behalf of Jesse because now a) three experts b) seven other couples and c) THE WHOLE OF THE COUNTRY know about his farting problems. WHY AREN'T YOU MORE ASHAMED.
OH YAY it's time for Nadia and Anthony and we're hoping the experts will bully-shame Anthony about last night's behaviour.
But Nadia has a more important question to start off with, and asks the experts straight up why her and Anthony were matched. John Aiken needs approximately 10 minutes to run to his computer and google 'psychology jargon' so bides his time by asking Nadia how she feels.
She's vague because she's only here for the gossip and isn't 100% sure who Anthony is or why he's sitting next to her.
Eventually, John Aiken returns from his computer and says something about 'strong' but also 'independent' but mostly 'you're single and roughly the same age so, YOLO?'
You see, opposites attract but ONLY when John Aiken says so. Otherwise love is about being the same.
The experts bring up the dinner party and Anthony says he "stepped out of line," which, for those playing at home, is not an apology.
Nadia explains how she had to tell him to "back off a little bit," and the experts commend their communication. But, tbh, you shouldn't really need to tell your partner to stop abusing your friend during dinner. They choose to stay together because Nadia wants to follow the gossip and Anthony's after the prize money (note: there is no prize money.)
Susan has had a flower in her hair ever since she fell in love, which was the first moment she saw Sean.
But, you guys, Susan's being kinda... serious.
She asks the experts why they matched her and Sean (um, because you're the greatest love story of our time? idk) and after they give their sufficiently vague answer, she challenges their decision to match people who were from entirely different sides of the country.
Trisha reminds Susan that she said she was "willing to move for love," and Susan's like "bae, I meant to friggin Melbourne, not to a rural area in Queensland where I'm stuck on a farm and have to abandon literally everything I've ever worked for."
The experts nod and you can hear Trisha thinking, "gee, we must make that section on the questionnaire far more specific in future."
But Susan isn't only upset about her logistically impossible relationship. She's upset about the bullying at last night's dinner party.
"I feel like some people bullied Cheryl, and that really upset me," she says.
Susan is being oddly rational and empathetic about this whole situation, and other people in the group are confused.
"I felt like they judged her and they didn't know her," she says. "These were people I felt like I saw a really good side of, and then I felt disappointed."
No. If Susan was ever disappointed in us we would want to die.
"It didn't need to happen at all," she says. "Anthony could just have said I'm happy for you and if you guys think you should give this a go, we'll support you. That's not that hard to say."
Ah. Susan, Susan, Susan. That would make for terrible TV. Shocking.
Anthony follows up with another statement which is definitely not an apology. "I got nasty last night," he says, which is, indeed, simply a fact.
Nadia is loving every moment of this. It's what she lives for. The gossip. The crying. The drama. She's so happy she chose to stay.
The experts try to work through the drama of last night but it goes nowhere. Susan and Sean decide to stay and the experts act as though this relationship is successful because of them, and not in spite of them.
Now it's Cheryl and Andrew's turn and HOMG pls some more debriefing on Cheryl being slut-shamed PLS.
Umm... they hardly talk about it and Cheryl wants to "forget about it" and "move on."
... But we don't?
We still feel personally victimised by Anthony and would like an apology.
Whatever Cheryl, you're not a very good victim AT ALL.
They're happy and stay together because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Finally, it's Sharon and Nick's turn to face the experts. Will they choose to leave? Will Nick's membership at the 'strippaz' prove too much for Sharon? Will something surprising actually happen during this episode?
No. Whatever, they're fine.
But tomorrow night they're off to visit their husband's home towns and we're promised tears, a badly-received love song, and generally the disintegration of each and every relationship.