OK. What was that. What the f*ck just happened.
This season of Married at First Sight just ended unlike any season before it. And we have literally no idea how to feel.
Jesus. Let's start from the beginning.
WE ARE READY.
Three fake couples choosing to stay fake married or get a fake divorce? Check.
For the second episode in a row, we open on Keller being apologetic for getting too drunk and saying silly things. To show how sad this is, the camera pans to photos of Nicole and Keller in happier times. Except there's only two photos. Because they got married, like, three weeks ago.
There are lots of flashbacks of Keller being drunk and Nicole challenging him, which are frankly unnecessary because we obviously already watched it last night and then talked about it all day today.
Nicole tells the camera, "I'm not sure if Keller and I can come back from this" but then we see Keller walking flowers up the stairs, and, as everyone knows:
(drunk antics + pissed off girlfriend + getting an anchor tattoo and not remembering it) x (lillies + remorseful demeanor) = WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE.
But Nicole isn't letting Keller get off so lightly. She's pissed. Within the space of two days, Keller promised not to get drunk and embarrass Nicole, and then got drunk and embarrassed Nicole. In front of Australia. AGAIN.
Nicole calls Keller a dick, and we feel better about the whole situation.
Meanwhile, the producers are desperately trying to create tension in Bella and Michael's relationship, or else this would make for terrible television.
You see, Michael is upset because he would like Bella to move out with him, pls, but she kinda wants to keep living on her own. He thinks that maybe she isn't taking the relationship as seriously as she should, given that they met on television, were matched by fake experts, etc.
WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS, BELLA? A JOKE?
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We now cross to Monica and Mark and we both check our phones. Instagram is looking pretty boring, so we reluctantly look back up. They've returned to the beach where they were married, and this is what we hear:
"It looks different to the wedding day, doesn't it? There's no wedding set up."
What follows is a conversation that sums up Monica and Mark's relationship better than we ever could.
Monica: I think some things are meant to be, though.
Mark: Like eating steak.
Monica: Yeah, that's exactly the example I was going to use.
Monica is joking... but we're just not so sure that Mark is.
He is potentially the most mysterious character on television...
What is he... thinkin'?
Monica's concerns are starting to arise, probably because the producers keep yelling "WHAT ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT??" in her face.
She says "Mark is a really genuine caring guy...but I'm not sure he really gets me." Yeah... we don't think Mark really gets, well, anything.
Keller and Nicole are still trying to resolve their issues, and Keller is so freaked out by the whole thing he starts mixing up his words. He says, "hopefully she can see things with my eyes" and we're really disturbed by that imagery.
Speaking of medical conditions, Keller reveals to Nicole on their dinner date, and we quote: "Sorry, I've got a medical condition, I've become a fuckwit."
We are actually astounded by how many people we know who suffer from this condition.
Keller pleads with Nicole to forgive him, explaining he's only had "two stuff ups in the whole time that we've been together," to which Nicole replies "...a month?"
Okay, real talk, Nicole you should be writing these recaps because your commentary is both a) insightful and b) brilliant.
Decision Day: Monica and Mark
It's time for Monica and Mark, who are currently in a happy and functional relationship where the only hiccup is that they laugh too much, to decide whether or not they should stay together.
As we know, the experts have grave concerns that they are having too much fun/seem to be enjoying each others company.
The dude behind the camera asks Mark what he will miss the most about the fake wife he will be reunited with in a week and he says, "The thing I'll miss the most about Monica is her just being around".
THAT ISN'T A QUALITY, MARK. WHAT will you miss about her being around??
Meanwhile, Monica has been doing some heavy thinking. "I don't take decisions like this very lightly," she says. By 'like this' we assume she means 'choosing to continue fake married life with my fake husband'. Interesting.
Unsurprisingly, they decide to stay together and do a weird fist pump to celebrate.
We're not convinced they'll last, because the thing is, once the cameras are off... they really are just two adults making up secret handshakes. Think about that for a moment. Also, we reckon Mark is the kind of guy who wears sunglasses around the back of his neck, and well... when Monica realises that... nevermind.
Decision Day: Michael and Bella
OK, firstly, we are done with the montages of relationships because we have been here EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Secondly, the producers are desperately trying to create tension where there is none and it's wastin' our time.
We're meant to be highly concerned that Bella doesn't want to move in with Michael, but you know what? Maybe she enjoys going to the toilet in her own house. Maybe she has a pet she just really wants to spend some alone time with. Maybe she likes to snack in PRIVATE.
Bella has her thinking face on.
Bella tells the experts that she's 150 per cent in love with Michael, and despite the fact that that's mathematically impossible, the experts are smug AF.
Dr Trisha, whose name we just learnt, looks at Bella intently and asks, "I've noticed that you value sex really highly in your relationship... Is it how you connect?" And then her brain basically explodes all over the floor because she cannot understand how a WOMAN loves SEX and isn't afraid to say it.
Michael looks nice. He has put gel in his hair for the special occasion.
The experts keep going on about this neurochemical cocktail thing that they've referenced at least 11 times this series, but their favourite subject for this episode can be summed up as follows:
DOUBTS. GIVE US THE DOUBTS.
It is clear that Michael is f*cking with us.
What a trickster!
Nah but seriously, DON'T DO THAT TO US. You know how we feel about your face... heh, heh.
Aaaand it's so obvious that they just want to go and have more sex right now so we'll leave them be. Bye guys.
Decision Day: Keller and Nicole
And now for the couple who DEFINITELY need to break up. Not least of all because of this incident...
We're not saying Nicole shouldn't be with Keller, but we think maybe Nicole probably shouldn't be with Keller.
But then Keller hits us with the best part of the entire series. Reflecting on his very emotional month-long relationship with his fake wife, he says: "'Even heroes have the right to bleed', I think the saying goes."
WUT!? WHO is the hero in this situation? And who the f*ck is bleeding? But most importantly that is NOT a saying. It is taken from a BAD song released in 2000 called 'Superman' by Five For Fighting.
And now we're embarrassed because that forever exists in our Google search history. And it's all Keller's fault.
Keller feels a lot of "regret and remorse" about how he behaved, and the man psychologist says that it's "self destructive".
It would seem that Keller might need to see a psychologist. Anyone know of one?
The experts are DRAGGING this out because, to be honest, this has been an extremely anti-climatic episode. As a wise man once said, "If all three of these 'marriages' stay intact, did this finale episode even happen at all?"
Nicole enters and the experts are very insightful, remarking "trust and loyalty are important to you," which begs the question... have you ever met someone who doesn't really care about trust and loyalty?
"Eh, I'm just not really into values. I enjoy being fu*ked around, routinely betrayed and not really knowing where I stand."
Straight up - we're sweating. We're having heart palpitations. Nicole is talking about how Keller's behaviour and how she's done a lot of thinking and we DON'T KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING. WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WE WANT TO HAPPEN.
Then her voice cracks, and she says "this is hard."
And... she wants him to "put up with me for a little longer." JESUS. Wtf. What was that? So much music. So many shifty expressions. So much emotion. For... nothing?
At the end of this episode, ALL three couples are still together. That's never happened before. There always has to be one surprise - one person who unexpectedly isn't feeling it and breaks someone's heart on national television.
Instead, we're meant to believe that this is some kind of Married at First Sight utopia? No thank you, sir.
Earlier, the experts said they'd be testing whether scientific methodology can create a successful relationship, and now they're looking SO GODDAMN PROUD.
IT'S NOT EVEN SCIENCE. FFS.
We now return to where we began. With pure, immeasurable anger. Not only did all three couples stay together, despite one couple having serious problems that could, you know, use the help of a (real) relationship psychologist, but the best part of this show was just... omitted.
We didn't get to follow up on how the couples are doing now.
Did Keller get drunk and do silly things again?
Did Mark keep being... Mark?
Did Bella eventually move in with Michael?
How about the other couples? How are Crandy doing? You can't just INTRODUCE us to CRANDY and never FOLLOW UP on their LIVES.
Has Jess found love?? Is Dave still golfing? WHERE ARE OUR ANSWERS.
This will never be OK. You think you can make up for it by having 10 couples on Married at First Sight in 2017 but you CAN'T.
IT WILL NEVER BE OK.
Until next time, Channel 9. Until next time.
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