Married At First Sight just gave us two broken marriages and A LOT of sex.


Channel Nine has been telling us for a whole week now that TWO couples don’t make it past the honeymoon, so we’re sitting here eagerly anticipating the moment we witness another heart break on national television.

"You can actually see the moment his heart breaks!" Image via Giphy.

Which couple will it be? The three couples who look like they could potentially be soul mates? Or the two couples who can no longer be in the same room together?


First we visit Monica and Mark, who are snorkeling in Lord Howe Island after having completed a 42km bike ride and a 14 hour swim.

All of a sudden, the camera goes rogue and it would appear Mark is drowning. HOMG there is always so much drama around these two...

Turns out Mark just dropped his Go Pro, so the producers quickly move onto him being unable to stand on a paddle board. Cool.

BUT WAIT. Now it's raining on Mark and Monica's honeymoon, so maybe one of them is going to admit to eating KFC every time they get wasted which will lead to immediate divorce....

Nope. Nope, they just get an umbrella. Wrongly identified metaphor, guys, we're all good here.

OooOO over to the worst honeymoon in the history of fake weddings, Jess and Dave's.

Given they are playing background music probably named 'ominous thunder', we think maybe things aren't looking good.

You know your honeymoon is bad when you'd rather be MAKING YOUR HOTEL BED. Image via Channel 9. 

Jess decides to confront Dave about some issues they're having, such as when he left her in the water to drown, and then stopped speaking to her.

The conversation goes a li'l something (exactly) like this.

Good chat, good chat. Image via Channel 9.

Between the "yeahs" and the blank expressions, Jess says, "Whether or not it's intentional, you've made me feel like an outsider. I'm hurt."


It's pretty hectic to make someone feel like an outsider on their OWN GODDAMN HONEYMOON when there's only two of you.

Then Dave drops the bomb NO ONE saw coming.

"I don't see it going anywhere to be honest... and I think it's better to tell you now rather than a few weeks down the track," he says.

"It's unfortunate. I don't think it can work out."

OH NO. SURELY NOT. Image via Giphy.

Dave appears to give precisely zero f*cks, and Jess is left wondering where it all went wrong.

"I don't get it," she says.

"I don't understand what changed", which is - in a sentence - the story of every breakup ever.

She insists that it's "embarrassing, it's really embarrassing." But this is embarrassing for one person, and one person only.

Cue dancing Dave.

It's times like this we wish we knew how to create a Gif. Image via Channel 9.

Now over to Nicole and Keller, where things could not be better.

Keller explains the pair now has their own sides of the bed, his side being closest to the door "just in case baddies come". Aaaaaand he's our fantasy.

Modern day Romeo. Image via Channel 9.

We would like to pause here and just say: Keller has done a great deal for the stigma around people with tattoos. Channel 9 obviously wanted us to think he was a thug to begin with, but he turned out to be an unlikely romantic hero.

His family has been fostering kids for 12 years. He looks at the camera and says of Nicole, "I think she's got the same heart as me" and they're so perfect we just want to vomit.

Over in New Zealand, Andy reflects that Craig "appears to have left the house." Mmm, yes.  The fact he isn't there is a good indication he has left.

Andy says he's never solved an argument by walking away. But we don't know, Craig looks like he's having a nice lunch on his own TBH.


Craig really does seem quite happy. He just knows what he wants. And won't settle for anything less. 

Finally Craig got the affection he was after. :| Image via Channel 9.

But then, oh my God, Craig starts crying and the producers know we can't deal with Craig crying. OH GOD now he's crying next to a bin, and the imagery is just so sad.

They start showing flashbacks to Craig and Andy's wedding and for a moment we feel nostalgic, and then we realise that was legit like two days ago.

Now Craig is wandering the streets like a madman, saying, "I don't even know where to go." HELP HIM CHANNEL 9.

And as though we weren't already feeling sick from emotion, Jess has just arrived home, and says, "I went into it with the best intentions and I got hurt, and now I'm back in Sydney, alone."


But she's also has a life-changing epiphany: "The guy clipped his toenails in the bathroom sink we shared in front of me. He just didn't care."

There you go, babe. That's where you need to be.

WTF. Image via Channel 9.

TAKE AWAY: Never marry a man who cuts his toenails in the sink on your fake honeymoon, while simultaneously insisting he doesn't have any bad habits.

Luckily for Jess, she has the friend we ALL need when we get dumped on national television. This woman makes more sense than Oprah and Dr. Phil combined, and we would like her to counsel us through our difficult times pls.

Her pearls of wisdom include mocking Dave's 'I don't want to rush into anything' claim, by reiterating, "Umm, you signed up for this show," and the spot-on zinger, "If he's not invested he can literally fuck off."


This woman is a Saint. Image via Channel 9.



Enough said. Image via Channel 9.

Oh, we almost forgot there are couples who are still together.

Michael got Bella flowers because OF COURSE HE DID. She suggests they 'christen' every room and for those playing at home, 'christen' is code for SEX. They are going to sex in every room and Michael looks obscenely happy about it.

They then go to a crystal shop because that's the first thing you need when you move in somewhere new, before knives and forks/a bed/toilet paper etc.

Then the most amazing thing happens.

Bella picks up a random stack of angel cards that were definitely NOT placed there by a producer named Barry, and asks, "What do the angels want us to know about our relationship?"



We trust angel cards about as much as we trust the experts, so IT MUST BE TRUE.

Now it's Mark and Monique's turn to move in together, and we're starting to think Mark is the unlikely comic relief on this show. He has to start his car about five times before it actually turns on. Classic Mark. Where has he been all this time? Oh that's right, he was hit by a car on his honeymoon. Awks.

Upon moving in, they're not even there for five minutes before Mark breaks something. It's like the producers have just tuned into the fact that this guy is clumsy AF and needs to be filmed at all times.

Two minutes later he almost stacks it skipping. Ah, this is great. Really great.


Just when we thought this episode couldn't get any more exciting, Michael tells Bella, after just a few days of knowing her, "I think I am actually in love with you".

And the producers are most definitely doing this behind the scenes:


This is a goddamn Shakespearean-level drama.

Meanwhile, Craig and Andy are trying to come to terms with how they feel since splitting on their honeymoon.

Andy, always the wise one, reflects "the fact that Craig and I were the first same sex couple to be married in this experiment, I guess, there's a lot riding on us being right, on making it work, due to the marriage equality debate that's going on at the moment."

YOU DIDN'T FAIL US. Image via Channel 9.

"It's a damn shame that we're not still together, that we can't see two men living harmoniously together. Ah, it's a shame."

PAUSE. Andy, you and Craig have just as much of a right to go on a ridiculous television show, get fake married, decide you don't really like each other and go your separate ways, as ANYONE ELSE.

KIM KARDASHIAN WAS MARRIED FOR 72 DAYS AFTER SPENDING OVER $10M ON THE WEDDING. And this is the extent of her feelings about it:

She has Kanye now. Image via Giphy.

Andy and Craig, you haven't failed us.

And we're sure the remaining couples will continue to trivialise the sanctity of marriage, more than you could even imagine, in the weeks to come.

Need a bit of true love in your life? Mamamia Book Club is smitten with this modern-day re-telling of Pride and Prejudice.

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

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