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An unwelcome wedding guest just showed up on Married at First Sight.

Given same-sex couples haven’t had to wait long enough to get married, Married at First Sight continues to stall on showing us the goddamn wedding of the century, by updating us on the heterosexual couples — Jess and Dave, and Michael and Bella.

Eventually we return to New Zealand, where Andy and Craig are about to fake-marry-but-in-a-country-where-they-could-theoretically-real-marry.

But guys, let’s pause for a second. We didn’t say anything last night, what with all the excitement, but there’s one blindingly obvious problem with this match that NO ONE is acknowledging.

We can’t help but feel that… well… Craig’s hairdressing expertise is a little wasted on Andy.

ANDY IS BALD AF. Come on — why did the experts not think of this?

But none of that matters because, oh jeez, it’s Andy’s face. He’s just seen Craig. His expression gives us all the feelings. ALL OF THEM.

Good start, good start. We can’t have the first same sex wedding be a complete disaster.

He's so happy. Everyone claps, because of course they do - this is history in the making. They exchange pleasantries, and the ceremony begins, you know, with the fake celebrant.

Speaking of the fake celebrant... umm, yeahhh. She has sass, but too much sass for such an important event. She's like that aunty that states something factually incorrect and then when you correct her she argues, "That's what I said!"

In fact, that's literally what she does. She gets them mixed up and then denies it. She then gets cranky because they're not putting the rings on the right way. In their defence, THEY'RE NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO GET MARRIED IN THEIR HOME COUNTRY. SORRY IF THEY HAVEN'T PRACTICED.

The fussing over the rings goes on for approximately three hours and it's really a mood-killer.

She then says, "Let's hurry along," which had us screaming at the television, "OH MY GOD fake celebrant lady, do you have somewhere to be?!"

Luckily, Andy and Craig have a good 'ol laugh at her expense, which is all marriage is really about.

Image via Channel 9.
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Back in Australia, where trainwreck heterosexual marriages are a daily occurrence, Bella and Michael seem to be the exception. They've been married for approximately one hour (which is also, incidentally, the amount of time they've known each other), and are legit in love.

But... oh God. The experts are trying to take the credit, insisting they "chose a different man for Bella than she'd usually go for," because she needs a "stable force."

All these women, floating in the goddamn wind, out of control, walkin', talkin', helpless without relationship experts to get them to settle down.

Question: How is Bella not stable? She's employed, she appears to have relatively good hygiene. She doesn't live on the street. She just happens to be single.

Nonetheless, Bella and Michael have genuinely found love in a hopeless place. They won't stop kissing, even when the wedding photographer yells at them, "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF LIGHT."

Jesus. So many cranky wedding staff today. It's not our fault you're working at a fake wedding.

Oh, yes. They are quite physically close.

While Bella and Michael can't keep their hands/tongues to themselves, Jess and Dave could not be physically further away from each other.

"Hey guys, we're struggling to get you in the same frame."

The photographer literally has to tell Dave to "join his wife" in the photos and oh my God this is so painful we cannot even.

Back at the wedding of the century, things are also getting a little awkward. It's Craig. He won't stop... touching Andy's bottom. To the point where Andy is physically pushing Craig away. We're not 'experts', but that might be a bad sign. There's some tension. We feel like Craig is very excitable, and Andy is very "why are you so excited?"

Then out of NOWHERE a helicopter turns up to take Andy and Craig to a fancy photo shoot. Of course, it turns out Andy is deathly afraid of heights. Craig, being the beautiful man he is, holds Andy's hand, and it seems like everything is going to be okay. Especially when the two spontaneously break out into song. And not just any song - it's "Eternal Flame", which we know only from the Atomic Kitten cover that debuted in 2000. BRB.

OMG THIS WAS SUCH A BANGER. Image via Vevo.
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Okay, back.

Andy and Craig were clearly made for each other. Everything is right with the world. Until...

EUGHHH, CRAIG. Why did you bring your ex-boyfriend of 13 years to your fake wedding, and then introduce him to Andy?

This week on the Binge, Mamamia's TV podcast, we ask 'Is having a gay couple on MAFS a Good Thing?'

Andy's not having any of it. He says, "I never thought that Craig would be so frivolous as to invite one of his exes to the first day of the rest of our lives."

Really? In the three hours you've known Craig, you thought about how he wouldn't be the sort of person to invite an ex to his fake wedding? Andy, mate. Craig could be a hoarder. He could be a distant relative. He could be a Trump fan. He could have 11 bodies in the back of his limo. You just don't know. That's the thing about marrying a complete stranger.

How, Craig? HOW?

But don't let logic get in the way of good TV. Andy says this is a "deal breaker" and he won't be consoled. He... maybe... he tells his friend who flew to his fake wedding to be his fake best man to "f*ck off". We would be OUT OF THERE.

Back at Jess and Dave's wedding, Dave still doesn't know if he got his head turn at the altar right. GET OVER THE TURN DAVE IT WAS A 7/10 AT BEST.

There's a photo booth. As two people who worked at weddings for five years, we can say with 100% certainty that someone HAS taken a photo of their penis/boobs/vagina throughout the course of the night. Jess and Dave take photos together. They kiss. Dave's drunk.

Speaking of Dave. Phwoar. Phwooooaarr. As soon as we laid eyes on Dave, we knew he couldn't dance. Look at him for goodness sake.

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We knew as soon as we saw him that he would not be able to dance.

But alas, for some unknown reason, he decides to do a solo performance to Love is in the Air in front of a) everyone he knows b) everyone Jess knows and c) oh yeah... ALL OF AUSTRALIA.

YOU CAN'T MAKE US NOT WRITE THIS IN CAPS LOCK. YOU CAN'T. NO DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY WASN'T THERE A WARNING. SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM.  NO. NO. HE HAS MADE US WANT TO BAN DANCING. FOR EVERYONE. HE HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT TO US. OUR CRINGE VALVE HAS EXPLODED.

He jokes about how bad it was. But Dave... it's not a joke. He is hands-down the worst dancer we've ever seen and you should see our dad dance. He butchered a sacred song. We used to love that song.

We're so sorry this happened to you, Jess. So sorry.

And now we're in pain. Physical pain. From the cringing. Our cringe valve has exploded everywhere and there is a goddamn mess to clean up.

Someone says he looks like Mr Bean and we would like to marry that person.

Thankfully we're back to Michael, which is pretty much the only way to forget whatever the f*ck just happened.  Here is a gallery of his face to make us all feel a bit better.

Bella says that Michael is "all she's ever wanted from someone". Same, Bella, same. It turns out Michael is more than just a pretty face with admirable values and a kind heart. He is also a goddamn heartthrob. He says "I don’t think it 'could' be the start of something special – I think it 'is' the start of something special." Dying. Died. Dead.

They then go back to an incredible hotel and most definitely have sexy time, although Michael assures the pesky cameraman that he and Bella will be "up all night talking." That sounds like... so much fun.

Things are also looking up for Craig and Andy, or 'Crandy' as their MC named them. Andy's friend reminds him that he doesn't actually know Craig, so can't really expect Craig to be sensitive of everything that could upset him. Andy clearly feels bad for almost ruining the wedding and freaking everyone out, so he says some lovely words to his new husband. He describes himself as a "man who won't give up on you...", which is awkward, given that he literally almost gave up on Craig not even three minutes ago.

Ah, romance.

We can't believe we have to wait five more sleeps to find out who banged and who didn't.

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

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