The creepiest part about Married at First Sight had nothing to do with strangers getting married.

Hello, welcome.

Tonight, the television show that everyone denies watching, yet continues to achieve curiously high ratings, has finally returned to our screens. And goodness, it was everything a coupla’ feminists-on-a-break could have ever dreamed of.

We begin with an introduction to the ‘experiment’, which constitutes ‘science’ about as much as the time we did research on mice in Year 9, which we ruined by giving them far too much affection and food, to the point where they could no longer learn anything. But it didn’t matter because they were verrry cute.

Literally, our completely flawed high school science assignments have more credibility than whatever happened on TV tonight.


But Married At First Sight is INTENT on making us believe this is REAL SCIENCE with equipment and shit. So we cut to a laboratory of some description, where there are a) test tubes b) chemicals c) brain imaging d) electrodes and e) wires.

At no point is it explained how or why any of this equipment is being used, and we just think that such a lab would be much better used trying to cure cancer or something.

"They can read my brain." Also we have no idea who this person is. Image via Channel 9.

Anyway, one of our first contestants(?) Monica is pictured with electrodes on her head, which obviously means the researchers now have access to the inner workings of her brain because, as we all know, that's how psychology works.

The 'experts' explain that it's crucial for the participants to have "faith in the experiment", which is exactly what science says you should never do.

Contraption on head = science. Image via Netflix.

Anyway, it's time to meet Keller. The experts describe him as "a very interesting guy" which is code for "has lots of tattoos". He is paired with Nicole, a primary school teacher, who seems quite conservative and might not like tattoos. They say "she may have a problem with tattoos, we don't know", to which we ask: "ISN'T THAT WHAT THE ELECTRODES ARE FOR?"

We're not experts, but perhaps asking Nicole how she felt about a tattoo or 80 would have indicated, you know, how she felt about tattoos.


Despite that one point of tension, Keller and Nicole actually seem like they'd make a functional couple. Our prediction is that they are NOT the joke couple thrown in the mix for entertainment purposes. EUGH. Moving on.

Primary school teacher Nicole, and tattoo man, Keller.

Next we meet Monica. She's a type A personality and in one year of being single she's been on 150 dates.

"Does that sound ridiculous?" she laughs. No, girl. That doesn't sound ridiculous at all. Bae... where are you meeting these people? Asking for a friend...

The experts describe Monica as having "high expectations for herself". She's strong, independent, hard working, and smart.

But... but we swear we detect a judgmental tone in the experts' commentary. They sound... disappointed?

There are a lot of issues with this woman. Image via Channel 9.

OH NO HERE WE GO. The experts believe Monica is everything that's wrong with modern day dating. She just won't settle for a sub-par human. She's accomplished, beautiful, funny, and for some unknown reason she wants a dude who is employed, wears shoes semi-regularly and can string a sentence together in a somewhat meaningful way.

Monica, these are experts, not MIRACLE WORKERS.

"The issue with her has been she’s not been able to let men in, in the past," they say. "To soften her, and let her open up."

Oh, no way. They did not just go there. Image via Giphy.

So they find her a Mark, who is into "sexy nerds" (ew) and wears comic book underpants. But of course, they have nothing but nice things to say about Mark. Here's to hoping he can fix high-achieving Monica. #PrayforMonica.

"Mark is more laid back, he’s developed a really good work-life balance, he could have a really good impact on her."


Standards-too-high Monica and super-relaxed-yet-slightly-nerdy Mark.

The experts seriously can't stop bitching about Monica. They're hoping Mark can "bring a little bit of fun to her serious routine."

Key takeaway: Every woman needs a Mark to fix her.

Now we come to the point in the show where the participants break it to their families that they are, in fact, marrying a complete stranger on national television. EVERY SINGLE TIME it goes a li'l something like this:

Person 1: "Guys, I have an announcement to make. I'm getting married."

Person 2: "What? To who? I didn't even know you were dating anyone."

Person 1: "I don't know yet."

Person 2: *Laughs*

Guys. Have none of you ever watched Married at First Sight? This is Season-goddamn-THREE. This is a yearly occurrence. Not to mention — what did you think when you let cameras into your house? To film your family lunch? Huh?

Hot tip: If cameras come into your house, clearly from Channel 9, to film a conversation about how someone is getting married to another person they have NEVER MET, you are NOT. ON. SURVIVOR.

"Whhhhhhhat?" Image via Giphy.

But we are thankful that this year, we are introduced to Keller's mum — hereby named 'The woman who couldn't stop laughing'.

She had the reaction all of us would have, because, Keller, this is f**king ridiculous.

She just can't even deal. Image via Channel 9. 

In the last picture, it's clear she's dying a little inside.

In preparation for the big day, Nicole tells her class she's getting married. One of her students, who no doubt will grow up to be a certified genius, asks, "Are you getting married to a dog?"


We can't rule it out, kid, we can't rule it out.

Nicole's parents surprise her at her fake wedding and it's clear they don't fully understand what's going on. Granted, it is confusing.

Her dad is in poor health, but is so cute and so wise and when he walks her down the aisle it gives us more feelings than we ever expected. WE WEREN'T PREPARED FOR THIS.

We... we want a Nicole's dad. Image via Channel 9.

They get fake married and Keller says, "Meeting her was probably the most amazing experience of my life."

Keller is also really kind to Nicole's dad, who just keeps saying "good man, good man." All we want is for Nicole's dad to tell us we're a good man.

Nicole desperately trying to avoid looking at Keller's tattoos. Image via Channel 9.

Meanwhile, Monica and Mark are also having their awkward wedding. But it genuinely looks sort of... fun. There's champagne and everyone's dressed up. People should have fake weddings more often!

Mark chooses a white suit to wear upon meeting/marrying Monica, and his friend tells him, "I think there’s a 50/50 chance she’s going to see you and think you’re a dick." Truer words have never been spoken

As Mark awaits the moment he meets his bride, he reflects, "Who the hell marries a complete stranger?" You, sir. That would be you.

As they meet at the altar, the celebrant's face says one thing:

"How did it come to this?" Image via Channel 9.

They get along very well, but with all due respect to the match makers, putting two hot people together DOES NOT REQUIRE EXPERTS.

Monica and Mark bond over the fact they both enjoy the outdoors, which begs the question: have you ever met someone who doesn't? It's like saying, "My hobbies include sleeping and eating". Yeah, no shit. Only when we meet someone who says "I hate the outdoors and just nature in general" will that become a valid bonding point.


Monica reflects, "He’s confident and witty, very similar to me." Aaaand we officially love her. But beware Monica, the producers are TRYING TO BREAK YOU.

Monica and Mark on their (fake) wedding day. Image via Channel 9.

And finally, we are invited to the wedding receptions. Keller says "I'd like to thank everyone for being here today" - to which we both replied to the TV, "No worries, mate, happy to be here".

EVERY GODDAMN YEAR we promise ourselves we won't catch feelings, but every season we do. We have goosebumps. This is so embarrassing. We are so ashamed.

The remainder of both weddings are uneventful, because the couples actually seem to enjoy each other's company, which is, incidentally, quite characteristic of most weddings.

They get drunk, eat good food, and sleep in the same bed. The producers try and portray this as scandalous, but it's really just like your average night at ~da club~.

Do we trust the experts got it right? No. Because there are REASONS we don't do arranged marriages anymore. We're certain the rest of the series will do a great job at reminding us why.

This week on the Binge, Mamamia's TV podcast, we ask 'Is having a gay couple on MAFS a Good Thing?'

Our mum keeps insisting we are two different people. For more from us....

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