Married at First Sight is back with a bride who swears like a trooper and yet another farmer who wants a wife.

Married at First Sight will not be outdone by the spouse-swapping Seven Year Switch. It’s back with something to prove: and that is… I’m not entirely sure, but it has something to do with science.

The show opens with the dulcet tones of Zoe demanding that her MAFS-matched mate Alex immediately unpack the dishwasher, which is idiosyncratically located in the laundry.

In case you weren’t aware, this couple were matched by (some vague strain of) SCIENCE on the show last year, and look at them now!

Confusingly, despite so much science being used, they are the only couple remaining from last year's "social experiment" of Married at First Sight. Zoe and Alex met at the alter, and they're still together.

They've managed to travel overseas, buy a dilapidated house, and install a dishwasher into their laundry, all the while bickering good naturedly.

Is not this scene of domestic bliss what all humans desire?

A very serious voiceover tells us over a montage of career women holding coffees and bars where presumably unsuccessful dates take place, that Australians are single-r than ever before. *Gasp*

Various relationship experts have combined their science powers to procure these matches. Clinical psychologist John Aiken assures us that the couples are "based on science". Well, I feel better knowing that, don't you?

Another "expert", Dr Trisha Stratford, did her part for these couples by making them smell each other's soiled clothing. OK that sounds much worse than it was -- the clothing had simply been worn. Still, I don't want to sniff the armpits of some dude's T-shirt for love or science, or even love science.

Now we move onto this year's test subjects, one of whom is whimpering and swearing in a way that indicates she's incredibly fearful or incredibly turned on.

Oh, it's fearful, thank god. Meet Erin, 25, a retail manager and "online dating fiend" known to schedule a date for every night of the week.

She lives at home with her parents who appear to wait on her hand and foot. Her future "husband" will need to know that she likes her butter "nice and melted".

She can be "blunt", "sarcastic" and "bitchy". Charming girl.

The psychs reckon she's actually underconfident and that she'll need someone strong, yet sensitive.

Enter Bryce, 31, a "fairly relaxed sort of character" who is caring and considerate, according to him.

I feel like Bryce is getting a pretty raw deal here. If he's to be Erin's "rock", then what is she to be to him? The match seems to have been solely made from Erin appreciating his body odour.

Next is Christie, 39, a business owner from Sydney. She's "lived the life", becoming a DJ of some description and travelling the world. Now, she wants kids.

She's being matched with fly-in fly-out worker Mark, 36. He's been doing three weeks on, three weeks off for the past 11 years which has made it difficult to maintain a lovelife. Now, though, he's bought a farm -- somewhere to settle down.

If this doesn't work out for Mark, there's still hope #FarmerWantsAWife.

How, scientifically speaking, is this a good match? She's a city girl with a business, and he wants a wife waiting for him on the farm.

Oh well, who cares? To the weddings!

Mark breaks the news of his upcoming nuptials to his family, who appear apprehensive about the idea until they find out they get a free trip to Sydney.

Christie's dad is chuffed because, having previously offered to freeze his daughter's eggs, he thinks he might finally get some grandkids. "That means you're going to have a baby!" he says.

Erin goes dress shopping with her bridesmaids, or as I shall call them, bridesbitchesfromhell.

"This one shows everything. Straight away I was like, what's happening with your undies?" says Erin's sister Laura.

"Nah. You look like a snow beast," opines Tig of a perfectly lovely bridal ensemble.

"Now you look like you have fat cans," says Laura.

"Yeah, and not in a good way," agrees Tig.

"Like old boobs," says Laura, before they cackle gleefully.

Gosh, I wonder how Erin ended up with a confidence issue?

Erin's sister Laura comes as she's being made up to tell her they think her husband will be "a real woggy guy. Like a total Maria mum". Just wow. I don't even know how to address this.

Erin, openminded as she is, believes she can deal with such a thing, because he will be able to make her good pasta.

A freak storm hits Melbourne on Erin and Bryce's wedding morning and a cyclone warning is issued. Everyone takes this to be a bad omen.

In her car to the venue, Erin is most perturbed by the countryside. "I can't even see the city at all anymore! Look at these shrubs!"

When she finally arrives at the venue she returns to the car to go and drink champagne alone. "What the fuck have I done?" she demands between glugs.

She's being incredibly dramatic for someone who isn't actually really getting married.

She actually says "fuck" as she walks down the aisle. Bryce seems to like it. They smile at each other and she grips his hand.

They both "do". SCIENCE!!

Meanwhile, Sydney dawns bright and sunny and Christie and Mark's wedding at least looks good.

He waits for her at the alter and her family smiles politely but are concerned that she's taller than him.

Aiken has completely dropped the facade that any of this is scientifically viable and is now praying to the "chemistry gods".

The gods have not answered his prayers. Christie's not feeling any physical attraction -- at all. She'd have "swiped past him" on Tinder. YOUCH. Hilariously, they're all aboard a boat so there's really no escape.

Mark, on the other hand, is well pleased with the match and thinks there might be a spark.

The celebrant asks things about loving, honouring, and protecting and bandies about the word "forever" a lot, but jeez. It's 30 days, and they're not even going to be living together the whole time. Chill out, everyone.

Christie says "I do... to the best I can."

Mark says, "I do," emphatically.

Back in Melbourne, Erin and Bryce are getting to know each other, Erin's swearing like a trouper, and they're having really awkward wedding photos taken. They canoodle.

Christie keeps her body as far away from Mark's as possible. They are not canoodling. She says she feels ill and Mark thinks it's seasickness. Somehow, I don't think it is. Anyway, he helpfully places a bucket behind her in case she does vom.

Mark loyally sits by her side feeding her ice, rubbing her arms and giving her his jacket to keep her warm.

If this doesn't win her over, I don't know what will. He even gets sympathy nausea.

Finally, she feels better and he gives the most lame-joke filled speech of all time. She loves it.

Erin's and Bryce's mums tell the camera they're very happy and proud, and they are frankly adorable and look like they could be lifelong pals.

Erin meets Bryce family. "Heeeeeey!!!" she trills at them, patronisingly.

Back with the Witches of Eastbitch, Erin talks about how sweet Bryce's family members are before gesturing to a table of her own friends.

"And look at these peroxide blonde, fake tits, bimbo team over here!" she says smiling at them from across the room while one of them gives her a thumbs up.

Later, as she's chatting with the bimbos, one asks her if she's going to "fuck" Bryce. Erin answers because she doesn't think the mic picked up the question.

"It's not off the table," she says. HAHAHA LOL. I cannot wait to see her family and friends after they witness the first ep.

Now it's time for Erin to give a speech. Knowing her proclivity for expletives and how many glasses of Champagne she's drunk, this could be very interesting.

She begins by admitting to being hard to get along with, stand-offish, and sarcastic. Bryce looks horrified. There is scattered applause.

The new couples retire to their hotels, and Christie maturely places cushions down the middle of the bed so her body can't touch Mark's.

Will Erin and Bryce "fuck"?

Well, they're both drunk and they kick out the cameraman, so I'm going to assume it's a yes. Will it be good? Probably not. Will they remember it? Hazily.

Coming up tomorrow: episode two, where two more couples matched by SCIENCE marry at first sight, only not really! Until then!

If you love The Binge, here's your opportunity to come to our first-ever live recording, in Sydney on Thursday, April 7.

The Binge is all about frank, funny and smart conversation, what’s on the box and whether you should invest your precious time watching every season in existence.

And next week that conversation will be live in front of an audience for the very first time. Hosted by Monique Bowley and starring Rosie Waterland and Laura Brodnik, this is your opportunity to see your favourite podcast come to life.