Another day, another dinner party – and in the wake of Fingergate, we can inevitably expect plenty of death stares, flimsy excuses and piss-weak apologies. So fun!

Going in, we have all cast members debriefing on Bec and Danny's disappearing act. Will they show their faces? Or have they jumped ship entirely? Nobody knows.

Juliette just hopes Bec won't 'target' her.

Admittedly she called Bec a dumb c*** and a freak, but she claims she was just saying what everyone else was thinking…right?

Watch: MAFS and the question of "sexual chemistry". Post continues below.

"Sometimes you've gotta fight fire with fire," she says, clad in the most Disney Villain outfit we've seen yet (guys, there's even a cape, I kid you not).

But we're not backburning here, babe. Much better to dump a bucket of cold water on the situation and leg it. Unless, of course, you'd rather set the whole forest ablaze and dance in the flames. In which case: crack on.

The silver lining in all of this is that Juliette's behaviour has made Bec's look mild in comparison – which means that certain cast members are now feeling more compassionate toward the silly goose.

Bless Rachel, she doesn't want anyone to be called the C word. She knows how much that would hurt.

I can't help hoping, therefore, that tonight brings a gentle, sober reconciliation between all parties. If only we could kidnap Gia and Juliette and lock them in a broom cupboard for a little bit.

If I create a diversion, will someone please tackle them on their way into dinner?

Meanwhile, Chris and Sam are glowing after taking their relationship to "the next level". Sam has a hickey on his neck. Chris is a golden retriever for his love. Everyone cheers, glasses clink. Wonder if any juvenile jokes will be made of their sexy progress?

Ding, ding, ding. Gia does make a toast – not to banging, but instead to Alissa, who she has suddenly decided is "amazing".

It seems they made up during the retreat – and why we weren't shown more of this I can't even imagine.

Is the show… not interested in platforming quiet peacemaking?

Upon arrival, Rachel declares she's leaving Fingergate in the past. What happened in Kiama stays in Kiama.

Steve is equally over it. "I want to smash my head against something," he growls. If one more person asks him how he's feeling…

"How are you feeling, Steve?" asks Sam. Steve briefly contemplates jumping out of the window.

We're treated to more time-killing asides during which participants wonder and wonder about Bec and Danny. Are they coming? What will happen? I nod off for a little bit – until Sam makes the most sensible point of the evening.

"Bec's comment was inappropriate," he says. "But it wasn't said with malice. Juliette owes Bec a sincere apology."

And truly, this is all I want from this episode. (That and more of Sam being a total prince among men.)

When Juliette and Joel walk in, the experts observe that they appear to be a totally different couple. Maybe literally? The alleged imposters even imply that they're getting busy in the bedroom – which I can't even contemplate without being a little bit sick in my mouth.

Having massively over-egged the anticipation pudding, the producers finally shove Bec and Danny through the door… and here we go, folks, the circus is officially in town.

Juliette, Gia and Scott stay seated while everyone else stands to greet them – including Rachel and Steve. Stiff and frosty, Bec and Danny hit the bar.

Danny is fuming that Scott doesn't even initiate a handshake like an "honourable person."

Gia and Juliette are practically vibrating with pent-up aggression.

It's like watching a train hurtle toward a broken bridge.

Meanwhile, Stella says exactly what I think, specifically that Bec is mostly just an insecure person who desperately wants to be liked. "I can't be mad at a person like that." Same. I can, though, wish top-tier therapy upon her forever and ever.

Alissa and Chris suggest that Juliette and Gia might want to be kind and say hi. But – kindness? Really? What's the point?

"Remember what was said and done," says Gia, entirely blind to what was actually said and done.

"If you backpedal, you'll look dumb." Ah, the mantra of bullies, despots and dictators everywhere: never, ever back down – not even when you're dead wrong.

In an unexpected move, Juliette does in fact approach Bec to "apologise" for her "delivery" – possibly the most hollow olive branch in human history.

Bec waves her off. "Let's talk at the table."

Challenge accepted. Juliette returns to Gia to draw up a battle plan.

"I'm a down-arse bitch," says Gia, quivering with excitement.

Oh FFS. Buckle up, people, because this stupid, stupid fight will devour the next hour of our lives.

As the cast take their seats at the dinner table, Sam gets in there quick with a toast of his own. Acknowledging the tension, he urges every couple to say something positive before the war kicks off.

"Thank you for being patient," he says to Chris, "I'm glad we're here, and I'm glad to spend time with you."

It's a lovely gesture – and does, for a while at least, spread a little joy.

Scott calls Gia his soulmate; she says she's found her person (and if you're buying the authenticity of this relationship, I would encourage you to stay off social media lest you find out where they are now – just saying).

Danny makes a speech about adversity being beautiful; Bec throws out some loaded comments about Danny protecting her from harm.

"They must be so jealous of me," she says of Gia and Juliette. "My husband is a wealthy, good-looking, humongous-packaged man who supports me blindly."

Now, I'm pretty sure blind support is far from the gold standard in relationships, but at least she's not alone in the room.

Sweet Steve thanks Rachel for accepting him for who he is, quirks and all. Rachel is grateful to Steve for not running for the hills when she gets "worked up".

He kisses her, she leaves red lipstick all over his face – then wipes it off with hanky as if she's his mum.

Joel and Juliette then reference their R-rated cuddles and not much else (which perhaps suggests sex is the only activity that doesn't require their personalities to interact) – and Bec decides that now is the time to draw her sword.

How, she asks, did she personally offend Juliette badly enough to warrant abuse?

"Um… I'm not enjoying the comments," says our new Disney Witch. "Or the energy." She then wheels out the whole sorry story – AGAIN – and just like that, we're back in the Pre-Pubescent Argument That Will Not Die.

Bec made a comment, it was terrible, she threatened to make t-shirts, everyone was sad… OH MY GOD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

Down at the other end of the table, Rachel dies another small death. "Stop speaking for other people," she fumes in an aside.

"Stop making everyone else's issues your own."

YES! STOP IT! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

At the table she makes it clear that using her relationship as ammunition in a separate fight isn't cool. Neither is calling someone a c*** to hurt them. "We have a plethora of other words in the English language," Rachel says.

"I need to read more," sighs Juliette, with all the remorse of a chip-stealing bin chicken. And Bec could've left it there.

They all could've put the damn thing to bed. But, no. After five weeks in Crazytown, nobody remembers what normal conflict resolution looks like.

Juliette is again asked to explain why Bec deserved three days of bullying over a badly worded joke. Why didn't she make amends earlier? Why is she still dragging Rachel and Steve into it?

Meanwhile – and this is my fave part of the episode – our self-confessed "down-arse bitch" remains silent as the grave.

Not a word. No backup. Not a weapon whipped from her cleavage. Nothing.

Juliette feels let down. Where was her henchman? To which I can only answer, HA!

The apology, when it finally arrives, is short but functional.

"Moving forward," says Danny, "let's all try and better." Yes please. We at home would all like that very much.

Unfortunately, Gia is allergic to emotional stability.

Behind Danny's back, she mocks him in what is undoubtedly the worst British accent I have ever heard – and trust me, I've heard a few. Dick van Dyke has nothing on this woman.

"Where's my apology?" she yells. "I've never got an apology for calling me a liar."

Oh my days, I cannot.

This leads to an epilogue where Danny and Scott locate a fire to discuss their next manly steps. While Danny tries to build a bridge, Scott digs in.

"When someone damages my wife, I'll never look them in the eyes again," he says.

"When I shut someone off, I'm cold, I'm numb." Which is exactly how I feel watching two blokes talk in circles about respect for ten straight minutes.

Also: can we please all agree that adults are allowed to have their own thoughts inside relationships? Marriage does not require merging into one giant shared brain.

You can support your partner without surrendering all independent thought. Let's write it on a wall somewhere.

Gia, meanwhile, is furious that anyone might be siding with Bec.

"Obviously she's had conversations with everyone before tonight," she says bitterly – framing basic communication as a bad thing.

"She's a calculated, evil person."

At the other end of the table, Rachel and Bec quietly reconcile with a sweet little pinky swear.

One eye twitching with rage, Gia vows revenge. "I could ruin everything for her right now," she says, threatening to release alleged bitchy texts.

"She should be very worried."

"Gia is a ruthless b***," says Juliette, plotting madly on a couch with newly recruited Mean Girl, Chris. "And no one should cross my girl Gee Jay."

Having established Gia's new gang-leader nickname, they smoulder and simmer in the corner, wishing ill on the whole of humanity until the credits roll. At which point I have a little cry about the state of the world and the hearts of those who freely choose the dark side.

Join me next time, please, because misery really does love company. I'll bring the wine, you bring the chocolate, and we'll get through this together. Pinky swear.

Feature Image: Nine.