Okay. Big episode. Emotional carnage. Dildo percussion. Let's wade in.

After being politely incinerated by Principal John at the Commitment Ceremony, Bec has scarpered in the name of 'self-reflection.' While she crawls into a cave to contemplate her sins, Danny is left alone to philosophise on the balcony.

"The most beautiful thing you can do when you're in the wrong is just take accountability," he says, gazing out over the skyline like he's filming a cologne ad. And he just doesn't know how to handle the situation because, y'know, Bec's not great at emotional communication – unlike him, of course, who has totally mastered the art.

Watch: An unpopular opinion on MAFS' Tyson. Post continues below.

"Fool me twice, shame on me," he says, firmly identifying as the bigger person. And truly, I feel like this man's entire strategy is to exit the relationship with maximum moral purity and a podcast deal.

Over in Rachel and Steve's apartment, Rachel wonders aloud about the true source of Bec's rage, and why literally everyone seems to be copping it. "We're not responsible for your anger, sweetie." One can only hope that 'self-reflection' is code for counselling. 

But no, Bec returns from her spiritual sabbatical even angrier. Why didn't Danny back her harder when she was being dismantled? Doesn't he constantly bang on about wanting a ride-or-die?

"I don't constantly say that," he says. 

Um, yes, you absolutely do. 

"I said it in the heat of the moment." 

And in your vows. And in every cutaway during episodes 13 and 14. Don't test me, dude, I have all the receipts.

To be fair, he does make one solid point: he does not require her to create Armageddon in order to defend his honour. No one, in fact, requires Armageddon.

But, by her own admittance, it's not actually about his honour. It's about keeping the dream alive. She needs the relationship to work at any cost. Because neither her nervous system nor self-esteem will survive if it doesn't. Which, for many women, feels depressingly familiar.

(Sidenote: why the experts aren't quietly offering individual therapy on the side is beyond me. Frankly, it would make better television.)

"Am I sitting here," Bec says, "with someone who doesn't want to be with me but doesn't want to tell me that?" 

Yes, babe, I fear you are. And in high definition. If I were you, I'd be crying too. 

Before the friends-and-family carnage begins, we check in on the 'intruders' who are being fast-tracked through an already breakneck process. 

Tyson, we're told, has a new mindset. Apparently, he thought that 'submissive' meant 'emotional,' and had nothing to do with power and control. And now that a bloke in authority has corrected him (it seems he wasn't aware of any female experts in the room), he's willing to take on feedback. Oh yeah, this guy is a whole new man.

Later, he and Steph are issued with the magic Eye Contact Task, the one scientifically engineered to manufacture intimacy in three minutes flat. It all starts off a bit awks… but wait — is that some pretty wild chemistry I'm starting to see between them?

Could just be me, but suddenly it looks like they want to tear each other's clothes off. Which I guess isn't all that surprising given that men who bang on about dominance and provider energy are often spectacularly undone by women who (a) stand their ground and (b) make them work for it.

Juliette, meanwhile, is "definitely upset" after seeing a video of Joel playing drums with — wait for it — dildos. And I can't tell you how the rest of that conversation went because I'm laughing too hard. Seriously, I may never stop. 

The comedy then cranks up another notch with the arrival of Gia's bestie, Will, and her mum, Silvana. Will is somewhat sheepish after calling his mate a 'slut', a 'bitch' and 'NOT Mariah Carey' on her wedding day — but no apols are needed, apparently. Silvana calls him a dickhead and we all move on. 

Lunch starts well. Will's looking at Scott as though he'd like to spread him on a cracker. Silvana gets straight on the champers. But then Scott's friends Paige and Matt rock up like DoCs caseworkers and start firing questions at Gia about her daughter. Matt then makes a really stupid comment about Scott's ex: "Are you a better version?" Gia gets defensive, Matt is unrepentant, and the whole vibe crashes.  

"Why bring up the ex?" says Gia in an aside to Will and Silv. 

"Yeah, she's $8.50 on OnlyFans," says Will, helpfully delivering the essential public-interest info. 

Afterwards, Gia is pissed. "He needs to back me," she says, over and over again. 

"I think it was good," says Scott — because he cannot read a room to save his life. 

Elsewhere, the producers are clearly itching for Chris to drop his baby news, so they force the matter by threatening to play Sam his audition video. Chris duly shits his pants, and decides to get in there first. "I'm going to be a donor dad," he confesses, looking as though he might faint. 

There's a fractional pause while Sam processes this. "Congratulations," he says simply. "That's awesome."

 They hug. It's all cool. Sam understands. He even reveals he's discussed becoming a donor parent with lesbian friends of his own. "I completely understand why he's doing this wonderful thing," he says. "It's so cool." 

Then Chris drops Act Two: not only is there a donor baby, but there's also a second child coming via surrogate and he will be the primary caregiver. We find ourselves in deeper waters. 

But still, Sam doesn't flinch. In fact, he's overjoyed for Chris. "As a gay person, it can be really hard to work out the right way to have a child," he says, admitting that he too has considered similar paths. "It's great that he's found a way." 

There's no real discussion of what Chris's impending parenthood means for Sam — and I'm not sure if there should be. This is, after all, just one person sharing their life as it stands with another person. How it might impact their relationship later down the track remains to be seen — and as long as communication remains open and mutually respectful, why worry? 

"It's not going to affect me wanting to date you or be with you," Sam adds. For now, they'll just continue getting to know one another and see where their connection goes. It's measured, grounded, sane — and so fucking healthy. I adore them both. If anything happens to these two, I quit.

Next up for a friends-and-fam summit, Bec and Danny. At the table are Danny's best mate and Bec's dad and auntie. Dad kicks off the hard questions, and we're straight into the confessions. Bec does a fair job of trying to account for her dinner party fireworks, but keeps rerouting the blame back to the alleged Gia comment. Which, as we've established, is not actually the core issue.

As the conversation deepens, Bec's dad appears to smell a rat.

"Hang on," he says. "How do we know it didn't happen?" Danny squirms under his cool, calm gaze. Bec cries again as she talks about her fury — and Dad looks like he can see exactly what's happening: Danny's putting on a bit of a show while Bec, visibly fragile, is working her arse off. 

But what's a father to do? Danny says all the right things, and Bec insists he's the guy for her.  "Good enough for me," says Dad, with the slightly weary air of someone who's been here before. 

Over in their apartment, Juliette and Joel play the dreaded Truth or Truth – but it's not going well because Juliette has taken a leaf out of Stone Cold Mel's book and shut herself all the way down.

It's all one-word answers, frequent sighs, dead eyes and bare-faced put-downs, and for once Joel is all out of jokes. She looks pretty bloody furious actually, as though she might want to punch him, and I feel like the lesson to all of us is clear: never, under any circumstances, allow yourself to be filmed playing the drums with sex toys. You just cannot know the level of trauma you might inflict.

Listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud, here. Post continues below.

We end with the bombshell that Gia has walked off the experiment after a nuclear blow-up with Scott over a Facebook photo from six years ago. FFS. 

It's a tale as old as time. Girl meets boy. Girl feels inadequate. Girl drinks too much and decides that ancient social media artefacts contain the hidden truths of the universe. Boy, meanwhile, has no idea what to do because boy has not been marinated in the same cocktail of gender conditioning and cultural humiliation that girl has, and therefore cannot understand the spiral. Boy thinks girl is crazy. Girl cries in an Uber, while boy gets a solid eight hours.

Sigh.

Join me next time for what I hope will just be 75 minutes of Chris and Sam taking walks, playing with dogs and riding horses. A girl can dream, right? 

Feature image: Nine.