DEAN IS ALONE ON A FARM WITH NO MEANS OF GETTING HOME, AND WE HAVE A NEW FEMINIST HERO IN THE FORM OF SELF-PROCLAIMED SMART GEWL, TRACEY GODDAMN JEWEL.
SHE PLAYED A LONG GAME AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT AND WE KNOW NASSER IS TOO (IN SPIRIT).
But let’s start at the beginning.
We debrief on what the hell just happened. Post continues after audio.
It’s the day the couples have to say goodbye to their partner for an unspecified amount of time, before they make their final but also definitive decision about whether or not they will stay together for the rest of forever.
Tracey is saying things like, “I thought the decision would be easier to make than I thought and I think…” which pretty much summarises the next 73 minutes of frankly sinful television that is forced upon our eyeholes.
While they’re packing up their apartment, which let’s be real, is and always has been a hotel room, Dean reminds Tracey to wrap up their wedding photo so it doesn’t break. Because, honestly, the only thing weirder than having a framed photo of your fake wedding in your home is having a broken photo of your fake wedding in your home.
Patrick and Charlene are also moving out, and we’re really trying but we just can’t with them anymore. Patrick’s mum Ruby is obviously the most interesting thing about their relationship and she isn’t here yet.
Anywho, back in Tracey’s Perth apartment, yes, we can all see the signed photo of Oprah on her bedside table, and, no, we don’t want her fake wedding photo to go anywhere near it.
"Dean's a risky bet... and I like it," she says, because you just don't know: Is he gonna cheat on you? Break out into rap? Trip over his shoelace? Crash into you on his skateboard? Wear ripped jeans to a formal event?