DEAN IS ALONE ON A FARM WITH NO MEANS OF GETTING HOME, AND WE HAVE A NEW FEMINIST HERO IN THE FORM OF SELF-PROCLAIMED SMART GEWL, TRACEY GODDAMN JEWEL.
SHE PLAYED A LONG GAME AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT AND WE KNOW NASSER IS TOO (IN SPIRIT).
But let’s start at the beginning.
We debrief on what the hell just happened. Post continues after audio.
It’s the day the couples have to say goodbye to their partner for an unspecified amount of time, before they make their final but also definitive decision about whether or not they will stay together for the rest of forever.
Tracey is saying things like, “I thought the decision would be easier to make than I thought and I think…” which pretty much summarises the next 73 minutes of frankly sinful television that is forced upon our eyeholes.
While they’re packing up their apartment, which let’s be real, is and always has been a hotel room, Dean reminds Tracey to wrap up their wedding photo so it doesn’t break. Because, honestly, the only thing weirder than having a framed photo of your fake wedding in your home is having a broken photo of your fake wedding in your home.
Patrick and Charlene are also moving out, and we’re really trying but we just can’t with them anymore. Patrick’s mum Ruby is obviously the most interesting thing about their relationship and she isn’t here yet.
Anywho, back in Tracey’s Perth apartment, yes, we can all see the signed photo of Oprah on her bedside table, and, no, we don’t want her fake wedding photo to go anywhere near it.
"Dean's a risky bet... and I like it," she says, because you just don't know: Is he gonna cheat on you? Break out into rap? Trip over his shoelace? Crash into you on his skateboard? Wear ripped jeans to a formal event?
We are then subjected to an awkward montage of everyone pursuing their hobbies, which is meant to signify time passing, but also is unrealistic because who the f*ck has hobbies.
Dean is playing the guitar which doesn't at all go with rapping and we refuse to believe one man can have so many childish pursuits, and be so bad at all of them.
But none of that matters because Tracey forgot she has a daughter and that's okay.
She's potters around her apartment, drinkin' tea and staring at the beach, and you have a seven-year-old who hasn't seen you for two months.
But you know who is around for the second time?
Dean's evil friend, Liam, who has developed an American accent since the wedding. Cool.
He doesn't seem that keen on Dean being with Tracey, and we're not sure whether that's specifically to do with Tracey, or with Liam hating women more generally.
SHHHH IT'S RUBY AND SHE HAS THOTS BUT ALSO A PLASTIC TABLE CLOTH.
Patrick has arrived with a basket of washing which begs the question: Why is Ruby confident enough to tell her son this relationship will never work, but not confident enough to tell him to get a f*cking washing machine?
Patrick really needs a washing machine and we'll leave it at that.
But in all seriousness Ruby isn't keen on Charlene, even though we swear she was two episodes ago, but her unpredictability is one of her finest traits.
As the scene wraps up, Ruby looks down the barrel of the camera as if to say, "You should all be ashamed of yourselves," and... we know Ruby. We know.
It turns out watching people weigh up a fairly inconsequential decision makes for boring AF television - but nothing is worse than watching people write out their vows when a) you can't see what they're writing and b) they're not legally binding/remotely important.
We're made to believe that Charlene is definitely going to leave, considering she repeatedly says things like, "I need to tell him the truth but I don't want to hurt him at the same time".
We completely brace ourselves for the end of Patlene/Charick but, um, then they both choose to stay together because Charlene realises IT ACTUALLY DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE LEAVES NOW OR TOMORROW BUT IT'S PROBS NICER IF SHE DOESN'T BREAK PATRICK'S HEART ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
Then it's Dean and Tracey's turn, and pause.
We've been sold a lie.
At some point, there was an ad or a headline that PROMISED us someone would be leaving alone, but surely both Dean and Tracey are choosing to stay.
This show has gone full Bachelor with roses and a weird country setting, but no we're not going to ignore that they're standing on a sewerage tank because that says everything that needs to be said about Married at First Sight.
Dean reads his vows to Tracey, which surprisingly are not in rap form, but instead say he has fallen in love with her. He cries and his face goes very red, but we can't take him seriously because earlier he said the 'Perfect Storm' had come out for he and Tracey and we're trying to forget that time you rapped why do you keep reminding us.
He ends his vows with "that's it" because he is a 12-year-old boy doing a presentation to his class about dolphins.
"It's my turn I guess..." Tracey says, and nah it's Troy's turn he's been waiting for ages.
She talks about her feelings for Dean, telling him "you make me laugh with all our in-jokes" which is weird because their jokes aren't funny, and then something... changes.
It's her tone.
Then it's the weird placement of the word "unfortunately," which is conveniently said just before the ad break, and we truly believe in our souls to be click-bait.
THEN SHE FKN BREAKS UP WITH HIM. ON A FKN FARM IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.
She tells him it's "too little, too late" because if we know one thing about Tracey it's that she speaks exclusively in cliches.
And we cannot. We love her.
Tracey has just humiliated the most misogynistic man in the country and will go down in history as a national hero.
You know who hit it 'n quit it?
Tracey. Our lil' lady.
She SAID she was going to make Dean face the consequences of his actions, which we did not at all see her do - but SHE WAS ACTUALLY MAKING HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH HER SO SHE COULD SAY NAH THANKS BYE.
TRACEY IS A FKN SAINT AND HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE DEAN TO TXT DAVINA WE'RE THINKING THREE MINUTES.
In the last fifty years there have been some pioneers for women. Maya Angelou, Oprah Winfrey, Gloria Steinem.
And Tracey. Fucking. Jewel.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
Listen to the full ep of tonight's Married At First Sight Podcast.
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