John Aiken just made a comment in passing but we shan’t let it slide.
As the couples were arriving at the commitment ceremony, he casually mentioned, “we’re halfway through the experiment”.
Ha ha ha ha… HOW.
Of course, the serious question is: how can we only be halfway when this show has already been going for forever?
It's a question no one, least of all us, has the answer to.
We begin with all the couples doing precisely what we've all been doing for the last four days: Doing a gossip about the dinner party.
Carly casually says to Justin, "Did you see the speech Dean made?" and no Carly, he didn't, because he was obviously on his way home from the Ice Cream Machine Oscars in Milan and HOW is that not against the rules.
It's hard for Carly because she is here with the purpose of finding a fake husband, but it is unexpectedly difficult to bond with someone who is in a hemisphere that is not the same as you.
It's also hard for Justin, because he is here to sell his fake wife - but also the experts - an ice cream machine, but so far no one has shown much interest, probably because ice cream machines are not something the average person... needs.
Meanwhile, Gab is yelling at Nasser for refusing to sleep with her, and we are entirely certain his abstinence is a choice he has made purely out of fear he might get distracted and miss out on some gossip.
As he tries to make up a decision before the commitment ceremony, he explains that he thinks he might be in the friend zone with Gab, but mostly because encouraging any sort of romantic connection between them would detract from the real reason he is here: To shit on Tracey and Dean and also sometimes Davina.
Yes. We understand.
Tracey is also pretending to weigh up her options as she says she's struggling with her feelings after Dean's behaviour at the dinner party. "I like the real Dean," she explains, like the one who a) dumped her for no reason and b) semi-cheated on her with someone else's fake wife and worst of all, c) revealed himself to be a rapper named Visionz after three whole weeks when that clearly should have been the first thing he disclosed.
"I'm not here as a joke," Visionz says and okay... so then why did you... rap.
Ryan is saying things and for some reason they're giving him subtitles again which is unnecessary given we can literally understand every word he is saying.
But Ryan, the producers would like to remind us, is still a doofus and that's why sometimes he gets the clown music.
EVERYONE SHUT UP IT'S THE COMMITMENT CEREMONY AND JOHN AIKEN PUT GEL IN HIS HAIR OBVIOUSLY.
It's time for Nasser and Gab and this is Nasser's least favourite part because he can't gossip about himself that would be ridiculous.
When the experts ask how their week has been, Nasser says something strange and rushed about how, "We ride the scooter," (Wut?) and "We get on good together when we do things," which is the bare minimum so that's very nice.
Gab then brings up her feelings which Nasser was not at all expecting, and says she's decided to leave.
It's happened. DAVINA IS GONE. We discuss her departure, on our Married At First Sight podcast. Post continues after audio.
Nasser gets VERY mad which is very unlike Nasser, because no one - not even Gab - will get between him and his gossip.
HOW IS HE MEANT TO KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH DEAN AND TRACEY IF HE ISN'T HERE? HUH? GAB?
Eventually he calms down and realises that he might have to occasionally touch Gab in order to be given access to the information he needs.
It's Troy. And yeah, he is the only person on this show to have sought relationship advice from Dean.
He is very worried about Ashley's decision and says something grammatically problematic about, "Divorce could be in-tow imminently," and Troy, pls. You're not legally married so there's no divorce to be had.
Troy speaks as though he's at parent teacher interviews reflecting on a kid who is struggling academically, while Ashley sits as far away from him on the couch as is physically possible.
The experts ask about the fight where Ashley overheard Troy bitching about her and obviously Troy interjects.
"To give it some context... I'd had a hair cut this morning," and no what actually does that have to do with anything.
Ashley decides that there "must be something there" with Troy because he did make her cry, and holy sh*t this might be the single worst message about relationships this show has ever perpetuated.
She remains 50/50 which is precisely how you should feel about your husband, so decides to stay and none of this is right and all of you need help.
Now it's Justin and Carly's turn and real talk though - why are either of you here.
"I wanted to make sure I'm doing this for the right reasons," Justin says, and remembers that yeah, until someone buys a soft serve ice cream machine, he will be staying.
Carly, of course, really enjoyed her week of sailing on Justin's boat that doesn't exist, exploring his office which is... fake... , and also spending time with someone who was LITERALLY IN ANOTHER COUNTRY so also decides to stay.
It's Visionz and why didn't he at the very least do his shoelaces up for the television.
Just because you're a rapper doesn't mean you shouldn't prioritise safety, and we all know that when he inevitably trips over his laces, John Aiken is going to have to fill out an incident report and he has enough on his plate right now.
Tracey dobs on Nasser to the experts, and says he was mean to her at the dinner party. Dean interrupts to tell Nasser "I could poke holes in your relationship" and omg shutup Dean you need to be quiet for like three episodes while we all come to terms with your rap.
Dean says that Ryan made him look like the bad guy by not shaking his hand and we just... don't think it was Ryan... who made you look like...
OH. IT'S DAVINA AND SHE WANTS US TO KNOW SHE RISKED A LOT TO HOOK UP WITH ANOTHER WOMAN'S FAKE HUSBAND SO CAN SOMEONE GIVE HER A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE ALREADY.
The experts ask her what the 'girl code' means to her and she has never heard of such a thing so just nods enthusiastically and says "a lot" while explaining that she doesn't really care about other people and their feelings.
She reasons that obviously she wasn't thinking about the other parties when she had a lil' bit of an affair because she was very busy sending sexts.
Dean and Tracey both decide to stay, and Nasser is pissed off because he expected more drama, but also grateful that they will be here for at least another week.
Now it's time for Davina and Ryan, and Trish - who feels personally victimised by Davina for a reason that is not yet clear - asks if she has any... regrets.
She doesn't because it was her feelings and there's so much wrong with her life philosophy we do not know where to begin.
Trish comments, "Sometimes we can have feelings and not act on them," and Davina is like WUT? You can do WUT now. I don't think that's a thing, random psychologist babe.
When it comes to making their decisions, Davina says her and Ryan could have laughed their way to the end (haha Ryan wasn't really laughing haha) and Ryan needs this experience to be over like two weeks ago.
Nasser doesn't seem to be the man Gab thought he was. Clare and Jessie Stephens discuss on tonight's episode of our Married at First Sight recap podcast. Post continues after audio.
Expert Mel commends Ryan on his calmness and forgiveness throughout this godforsaken show and Davina's all like, "Um I've literally been the bravest person here," and no. No one is giving you a prize.
Ryan says he wants to leave, accompanied by a fart noise which is the highlight of this episode. He is both broken to his core and asexual, forever traumatised by this experience.
Davina pretends she's going to stay, but then shows she's written 'leave' - a move that was only funny when Jo did it, because she had a kind soul and also hadn't ruined Sean's life.
"I've had a ball," Ryan says and... have you really though?
He then gets too excited and proposes to expert Mel and she giggles far more than is appropriate.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.