The honeymoon is well and truly over for the Married At First Sight couples.

The honeymoons are over, folks! These poor bastards got four days to undertake some conflict-causing holiday activities (horse-riding, crocodile canoeing, bed-sharing) before being rushed right back to the real world.

My spidey senses tell me that all of these couples gave it up (sexually) on their honeymoons, though rudely none of them would tell us any juicy info about freaky peccadilloes such as dirty-talk, or post-sex crying.

Never mind, maybe that’ll come later, when they’ve stopped even pretending to like each other.

In Sydney, Christie’s packing to move to Mark’s Victoria farm, which will never work in a million years, no matter how many pairs of cowboy boots she packs.

She arrives, wearing the boots and a flannelette shirt, to pronounce that the house is like “going back in time.”

“It reminds me of my school,” she says, bafflingly.

Xavier is preparing to welcome Simone into his “man space”. He has done his hair in its best quiff and is wearing his tightest shorts. He’s ready.

He has neglected to make any space for her in his anally-organised wardrobe. He offers her some shelf space in his TV stand.

Xavier's house is basically just a giant TV that only plays sport.

In Melbourne, Clare is preparing her French bulldog Dutchy for Jono's arrival. Clare conducts a conversation with the dog, but it's clear the canine is not actually responding but rather suffers sinus issues from years of selective breeding.

Someone get this dog some breathing apparatus.

Clare has thoughtfully bought Jono a T-shirt to remind him of his honeymoon tantrum.

Jono is not amused by the matching T-shirts Clare bought them.

He pulls up in his ute, and he is still listening to Journey on a loop. Once inside, it's the moment of truth. Dutchy is so unimpressed she actually vomits, but that could be the breeding issue I mentioned earlier.

Also in Melbourne, Erin's packing up her childhood bedroom from which she hasn't budged in 25 years to move into Bryce's place. Her parents don't let her have boys sleep over yet.

This is Erin's mantlepiece.

Erin describes her mother as a "1950s housewife" and blames her for Erin not having learned "any of the skills that a normal 25-year-old should have".

Those must include packing, since she just appears to have slung a whole bunch of stuff over her arm. Nevertheless, she's impressed with Bryce's pad, and touched at his little gestures: a card, her favourite Milky Bar, and pink flowers.


"I die. I'm just dying," she tells him. She speaks as if she's on Instagram.

Meanwhile, across town (see what I did there?) Dutchy has stopped vomiting but still can't breath without snorting. It's useful for cute imagined conversations with humans, but not for respiration.

At bedtime, the couple encounters a setback. Clare, like a normal civilised human woman, conducts her toilette before bedtime: cleanse, tone, moisturise and brush teeth. Jono? Jono only cleans his teeth once a day, in the morning. Once clean Clare gets to the bedroom, he's snoring like Dutchy.

Rightly so.

He is awakened in the morning by Clare's other dog, whose name I didn't catch (and whose nightwear is on point).

This morning is the first morning of the rest of their lives: they've got to get up, do their morning routines, and go to work -- likely a blissful reprieve from married life with a stranger.

I wish I could wake up like this every day.

Jono adorably has a KeepCup (me too! Mine's green) and a plastic bag with his lunch in it. Xavier awakens early and wakes up Simone making tons of noise eating his morning oats and doing his quiff.

The first in a three-step hair process.

Erin decides she's going to make dinner, so she heads to the market to shop for lasagne ingredients. She has "never shopped for food before". I don't know why she isn't at work right now. She becomes confused by basil, celery, garlic, and butter but manages to purchase a semblance of the correct ingredients.

"With the onion, how does one go about that?" she calls her mother for the 17th time. Eventually her mum stops picking up the phone.

Incredibly, she actually comes up with a passable lasagne and Bryce is suitably pleased. Touching music plays at this display of traditional gender roles well played.

Jono, on the other hand, turns out to be incredibly domesticated: he's clean (apart from his teeth), he cooks (tofu?!), he's organised.

He prepares the evening meal with much confidence so Clare busies herself chilling out with wine in front of the TV.

At his request, they watch Frozen and he wears the same expression as a toddler I know. He waxes lyrical about Happy Feet. Dutchy thinks he's an idiot.

He knows all the words to Let It Go.

Down the farm, and Christie is candling Mark's ear. This is both extremely intimate and decidedly unsexy, though it does inspire Christie to slap Mark's bum.


Here are things she likes about the farm: the calves, herself in cowboy boots, Mark. MARK?!

Yeah, she's coming around to that goofball. He does romantic things like make her breakfast every morning, and nail cute notes to trees, and hide bunches of flowers around the farm.

Sexy times down on the farm.

"A man that goes for what he wants is so sexy," she says. "I'm finding him sexier and sexier by the day."

She has to head back to Sydney to work, and thus they enter the long-distance phase of their relationship. She must take a train, a bus, a plane, and then a taxi and it takes her seven hours.

Two days later and she's missing Mark but admits the travel is pretty draining. She's cleaning her house and she's got some decor I have several questions about.

Um... what's with the crib?

Oh wait, OK I see now. She's a cleaner! That's her business. Got it. She's not insane. Well, not that insane.

Meanwhile, Xavier spends more time on his hair than he does romancing Simone, and she's finding the sudden shift of gears from honeymoon Xavier to boring, selfish, sport-watching Xavier a little hard to deal with.

He doesn't want to do anything after work except "chill out". He doesn't want to go out to dinner. He doesn't want to go to the movies. He doesn't want to meet friends for a drink. He wants to watch sports and speak only to the television, and even that's mostly swears.


Erin is feeling concerned because she doesn't seem to have a job she's really starting to like Bryce and it's freaking her out. She makes him cups of coffee in the morning, and remember that lasagne?

She meets her gal pal Tig to discuss her feelings over cappuccinos. What a life!

"You should, like, totally tull hum how you faal," Tig advises.

"Thut's easier sud thun done!" Erin responds.

Then they call each other babe a lot.


Over with Clare and Jono, he's stressed because of all the time off work he had to take for that stupid dumb honeymoon. He expresses this by speaking unkindly to Siri who is only trying to give him directions, and by yelling a lot, about everything.


Clare tries to get him to do breathing exercises but he "doesn't like being told what to do". He chooses to have a tantrum instead, possibly because he's hangry. When he's cooled off, Clare explains that his constant tantrums make her feel really uncomfortable.

"I'm 32," she says. "I'm too old for that shit. It's exhausting for me and it makes me feel really small."

He tells the camera "she's talking absolute shit". Then he belittles her feelings again to her face.

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Next time we see them, they're out on a date together eating cheese. Has all been forgiven? Very quickly, the conversation degenerates into negativity. "I've gone to the gym every day this week," he brags. "There's always time."

She comments that if she had kids she imagines it would be hard to find time to train. He disagrees.

"This is the thing, darlin'," he tells her. "You're anxious that if we had a kid together and you blew out, that I wouldn't want to be with you anymore."

"Yes," she admits.

"You don't know me from a bar of soap if you think that," says Mr "I'd like a petite brunette, thanks".

"Maybe you should just be with personal trainers," she says, to which he responds that he's "never ever" been with a personal trainer. This is an out and out lie.

"Have fun at the gym with the receptionist, then," she says before heading off to the bathroom. He's so sprung.

Another fight.

Here we are at day 13.

Jono and Clare go to the beach to try and patch things up and have another fight about him being angry all the time. He gets angry about it and she leaves because he's really a pain in her ass.

When Clare gets back, she finds that he's packed his things and gone. She cries. "I genuinely really liked Jono," she says. "I'm really disappointed."

Don't cry Clare! He ain't worth it.

They each go to sleep in their own beds, but she wins because she has two pooches and he doesn't appear to even have pillow cases.

Next week: all of the couples meet each other! Except maybe Clare and Jono.