Last night, we watched four complete strangers get married to each other — not in some kind of four-way, though, this show doesn’t even have a gay couple let alone experiment with polyamory.
And tonight on Married at First Sight episode two, two more couples are set to make the dubious commitment to not really marry each other on TV.
First, we follow up with Erin and Bryce, who probably definitely did it last night in their hotel room. The morning after, Erin is still in bed swigging water the way she was swigging Champers last night.
Later, once up and dressed, they present a united front, their arms linked as they assure us it's "so far, so good".
There follows a meaningful shot of Erin's discarded wedding dress in the bathroom.
Meanwhile, in Melbourne, Christie and Mark's first night together was somewhat more salubrious. Not for them hastily removed wedding dresses or empty Champagne glasses.
And despite Mark calling Christie "easy" (he meant to get along with), I'm fairly confident they didn't consummate, especially considering the impenetrable pillow fort she constructed between the two of them.
Now it's time to do it all again with the final two couples. The supposed experts remind us this is all done by SCIENCE.
Let's meet them, shall we?
First up is Jono, a tradie who seems to be the ultimate tradie. He reckons in the past he's spent too much time with "the boys" but his priorities have now changed.
He doesn't think it's befitting for a man approaching 30 to go our and spend all his money on beer every weekend. He should instead be building his "castle". His serious intentions are proven by the amount of broccolini on his plate. No man who's not ready to settle down puts that amount of greens with his steak.
The experts say, not in so many words, that Jono will continue to spend all his time with "the boys" and that he is really after a little woman to keep house. So they decide the best thing to do would be to pair him with a strong woman, instead.
Bravo, experts! I actually agree with this tactic, if only to watch Jono implode.
Clare is a 32-year-old recruitment consultant who "tends to attract the wrong type of guy".
We already know Clare -- firstly because she's come out and slammed the show for not having a gay couple this season, and secondly because she beat up a man who tried to attack her on the street. I love her.
She is clumsy (trips over several times during filming), tough (practises boxing and self-defense), and she does this:
I am slain. I will marry Clare immediately. Jono does not seem like he's a big enough personality for this woman.
To our final couple!
Hottie Xavier, 26, who is sick of being judged for his looks. Sorry about that hottie comment, Xav, but you did emerge, glistening-chested, from the ocean. What else was I to write?