Married At First Sight couples go on their honeymoon and lots of sex ensues.

Now that eight single people have taken the dubious “terrifying leap of faith” and fake married each other, they get to go on a free honeymoon.

Now we get to see who’s doing “it”, and what they all look like in swimmers.

We join Clare and Jono on their first morning as a fake married couple. He awakens shouting, which could take some getting used to for Clare.

"Remember that time we got married?"

She is horrified yet unsurprised to discover that Jono has stamped himself with the bogan identifier: the Southern Cross, right in the middle of his back.

In Sydney, Simone and Xavier are making more and more discoveries about tedious things they have in common, such as a love of the missionary position an agreement on who is the big spoon.

They daringly forgo their usual morning green smoothies for bacon and eggs.

They head off on honeymoon to Fiji but they're both asleep when the crew on the plane applaud them for not really making a lifelong commitment to each other.

Give them a round of applause, everybody!

When they arrive at their hotel, they actually have an in-depth discussion about which side of the rose-petal strewn bed they should choose.

Xavier and Simone also discuss the finer points of bed-making and are overjoyed to find they're in agreement about that, too. They both hate topsheets, and are clearly monsters.

Other things they have in common: they both like flat whites, and sometimes, for dinner, they just want an egg on toast.

Bryce and swear-happy Erin are bonding by making fun of other people. He loves her "dry, sarcastic sense of humour". She does, too.

He gives her a gift that he had intended to give on on their wedding day. "Oh, fuck off," she says, pleased.

They make out furiously in the pool to celebrate. "Fuck me, that was cute," Erin enthuses.

Bonding by making fun of a groom wearing a white suit.

Christie and Mark are probably the least demonstrative coupling on the show. Christie is not attracted to Mark, although she thinks he's a really nice dude.

"It's awkward," points out Dr John Aiken as they sit at a candlelit table in New Caledonia, surrounded by rose petals. What a pro.

They eat in silence and I really feel for Mark. Maybe if they just get drunk it'll loosen things up a bit? They go to bed early but Mark must contend with Christie's pillow fortress of chastity. Mark is calling it "the Great Wall of Christie".

She tells him that she's not comfortable with physical contact until they know each other really well.

Romance! And silence.

Jono and Clare are en route to their honeymoon to the Northern Territory in a 4WD and singing their little hearts out to Journey.

Despite telling the world "she's not what I ordered", Jono concedes that they have chemistry.

"I've never had so much fun with a female like this before," he says. Colour me surprised, Jono! It'll be all that time down the pub with "the boys".


Watch some of this week's episode. Post continues after video... 

Over dinner he bluntly asks her "where she's at" and she tells him she likes him. He unexpectedly reveals that he's been thinking about kids and how he wants them. She does too! SCIENCE!

One of the experts, Dr Trisha something or other, the one who puts the little plugs on their heads - SCIENCE! - says the couples will start to relax and trust each other on honeymoon.

Later, probably drunk and definitely taking advantage of the room service, Jono says that Clare isn't short, and she isn't brunette, but that she does have a great smile and nice eyes and is "a naturally beautiful looking girl". And then they kiss. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. If he keeps going on like this I might forgive the tatt. Only kidding, I never will.

"Just a small-town girl!"

Back in French Polynesia, Mark is cut.

Mark is cut.

Will this be enough to win Christie over? Probs not.

She freaks out on a horseback ride, which Dr Trisha says has something to do with her emotions towards Mark or something.

Back in Australia, and Jono and Clare are going kayaking with crocodiles. This sounds like a terrible idea, and sensibly, Jono is scared.

Clare takes full advantage of Jono's concern for his life. "He was quite convinced he would die," she says. "It was hilarious!"

In Jono's defense, there seriously are crocs in them thar waters. His paddle had teeth marks in it.

Jono isn't happy.

She tells him not to be a "bitch"; he has a little tantie; she talks him through a breathing technique which infuriates him.

When they finally arrive back, he storms off in his tiny little shorts muttering about his boundaries being tested.

It's time for some comic relief: a montage of Simone and Xavier writing love messages in the sand, frolicking in the ocean, and him bench-pressing her like a not very challenging weight.

Later, they discuss how his former girlfriend cheated on him, and how her ex-boyfriend cheated on her. SO MUCH IN COMMON.


Despite her lack of attraction to him, and despite the fact that his jokes are truly awful, Christie cracks up at Mark all the time.

Mark's antics are winning Christie over.

She is slowly but surely developing feelings for him. "We both want the same things in life which is really important to me. He's becoming sexier and sexier every day. And I think it's because he's so beautiful inside and it's just coming out," she says.

Mark, for his part, seems ready to wait as long as Christie takes.

In the pool, they finally, finally, finally let their lips touch. Triumphant music plays.

Lips: locked.

Next day, Mark looks pleased with himself. Wine was drunk. The pillow wall is nowhere to be seen. The camera pans across the room, pausing on the rumpled bed meaningfully.

Jono and Clare have recovered from their tiff (which Jono has dubbed "canoe-gate"), but now she's found a snake and he must be feeling slightly emasculated by now for being a huge wuss in the face of terrifying, life-threatening predators, while Clare is probably going to take one home as a pet.

They continue on to a stunning watering hole/waterfall where they swim and pash. Jono says he's got "an awesome chick".

In-water making out is a honeymoon requirement.

In Fiji, Bryce and Erin get a hot-air balloon. I did the same thing in Fiji and ended up in a lake after an emergency landing. It would make good TV if that same scenario could occur here.

She refuses to say if she's "falling" for Bryce, but from the kissing and definite sex they've had, it's pretty clear.

So, a rundown: I am pretty sure all of the couples got it on on honeymoon. Success!

Now they all have to return to real life. Clare is eager for Jono to meet her dog. Jono is concerned the place where he and Clare will be living is too far from his mum's house for her to do his washing for him.

"You're a grown-ass man! Do your own laundry!" Clare admonishes him. He is not ashamed.

Similarly, Erin, who lives at home, has never done her own washing.

"I have seen washing being done..." she offers. She's moving into Bryce's house -- the first time she's ever lived out of home.

Kissing in the air is also acceptable.

Xavier shares with Simone that he's nervous about her moving into his house, since he's known her only four days. This doesn't really go down well.

He wants to ensure she knows what his boring schedule is. Work, gym, TV. She is not to deviate from this, nor is she to press for conversation if he's not in the mood. She begins to look like the truth is dawning on her.

In the biggest move of all Christie who is a Sydneysider is going to move to Mark's Victoria farm. She's scared of the isolation and how much one-on-one time this will entail.

I predict zero marriages out of four will work out and that cracks will appear next week. I can't wait!