We begin with the best couple of the series.
Clare and her charismatic French Bulldog, Dutchie. Dutchie is infinitely better looking and more affectionate than Clare’s experimental partner, Jono, and has significantly higher emotional intelligence.
It’s quite silly really that Clare has gone on this very complex, scientific dating show when the love of her life has been beside her the whole time. HE IS RIGHT THERE CLARE. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?
The love of your life was in your suitcase all along. Image courtesy of Channel 9.
But the cameras rudely take us away from Dutchie to show us Jono, lying in bed, under a doona that has no cover - which I think we can all agree, says a lot about a person.
At the end of last weeks episode, Jono moved his stuff out of Clare's house, because he couldn't deal with her 'baggage'. Now he is pretty much ghosting her, which is awkward given that they are both being followed around by cameras and got fake married three weeks ago.
Look, you know when your husband has moved out and won't text you back that things aren't looking great.
The 'psychologist' (show us the degree and we will stop using inverted commas) explains that Jono and Clare have "plenty of compatibility" which we are certain is a) grammatically incorrect and b) fundamentally untrue.
'Psychologist' John Aiken says they have a 'negative fight style', as opposed to a positive fight style, where Clare just giggles while Jono swears and breaks blood vessels because he is scared of crocodiles.
Like your typical Aussie bloke, Jono seeks comfort in his mates who all, deep down, know him to be a bit of a d*ckhead. While recounting the situation to his friends, Jono makes yet another joke about Clare not being "what he ordered". This seems to be Jono's only joke, which is very awkward given that it's not funny.
Moving on, a moon appears, and as Dutchie could tell you, moon = night, so this is the producers way of telling us that IT IS A NEW DAY. A new day of tension and love and cringe and creepy psychologists who definitely looked like this when they were matching Jono and Clare.
Yeeeeeessss. This will make a great match.
OohOHHhhh and the big dinner party has come. Where all the couples come together and try to out-couple each other by talking about couple things and squeezing each others hands even though they're at a goddamn dinner table and it's completely unnecessary.
Psychologist man explains that this is the part of the experiment where they all compare themselves to the other couples, and see where they stand. Ah, yes. See any relationship psychologist would suggest that in order to build your self esteem, it is important to compare yourself to others and see how you measure up. GOOD JOB JOHN AIKEN.
They all travel to the Blue Mountains, which is pretty much a non event, except... except, is Simone holding an actual map? Has she printed directions off? Who even has a printer anymore? We knew this couple was weird.
Is this 1990 or....? Image courtesy of Channel 9.
Then we cut to Bryce and Erin, with Bryce yelling "road trip" like he has every time they've gotten into a car. We know, intellectually, that this isn't particularly funny, but for some reason it makes us laugh every time.