We begin with the best couple of the series.
Clare and her charismatic French Bulldog, Dutchie. Dutchie is infinitely better looking and more affectionate than Clare’s experimental partner, Jono, and has significantly higher emotional intelligence.
It’s quite silly really that Clare has gone on this very complex, scientific dating show when the love of her life has been beside her the whole time. HE IS RIGHT THERE CLARE. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?
The love of your life was in your suitcase all along. Image courtesy of Channel 9.
But the cameras rudely take us away from Dutchie to show us Jono, lying in bed, under a doona that has no cover - which I think we can all agree, says a lot about a person.
At the end of last weeks episode, Jono moved his stuff out of Clare's house, because he couldn't deal with her 'baggage'. Now he is pretty much ghosting her, which is awkward given that they are both being followed around by cameras and got fake married three weeks ago.
Look, you know when your husband has moved out and won't text you back that things aren't looking great.
The 'psychologist' (show us the degree and we will stop using inverted commas) explains that Jono and Clare have "plenty of compatibility" which we are certain is a) grammatically incorrect and b) fundamentally untrue.
'Psychologist' John Aiken says they have a 'negative fight style', as opposed to a positive fight style, where Clare just giggles while Jono swears and breaks blood vessels because he is scared of crocodiles.
Like your typical Aussie bloke, Jono seeks comfort in his mates who all, deep down, know him to be a bit of a d*ckhead. While recounting the situation to his friends, Jono makes yet another joke about Clare not being "what he ordered". This seems to be Jono's only joke, which is very awkward given that it's not funny.
Moving on, a moon appears, and as Dutchie could tell you, moon = night, so this is the producers way of telling us that IT IS A NEW DAY. A new day of tension and love and cringe and creepy psychologists who definitely looked like this when they were matching Jono and Clare.
Yeeeeeessss. This will make a great match.
OohOHHhhh and the big dinner party has come. Where all the couples come together and try to out-couple each other by talking about couple things and squeezing each others hands even though they're at a goddamn dinner table and it's completely unnecessary.
Psychologist man explains that this is the part of the experiment where they all compare themselves to the other couples, and see where they stand. Ah, yes. See any relationship psychologist would suggest that in order to build your self esteem, it is important to compare yourself to others and see how you measure up. GOOD JOB JOHN AIKEN.
They all travel to the Blue Mountains, which is pretty much a non event, except... except, is Simone holding an actual map? Has she printed directions off? Who even has a printer anymore? We knew this couple was weird.
Is this 1990 or....? Image courtesy of Channel 9.
Then we cut to Bryce and Erin, with Bryce yelling "road trip" like he has every time they've gotten into a car. We know, intellectually, that this isn't particularly funny, but for some reason it makes us laugh every time.
So Bryce's charm comes from his sassy 'road trip' zinger, and Erin's from her uncanny ability to effortlessly inject the word 'f**k' into any sentence.
Here is a transcription:
Erin: f**k bugs.
Bryce: What the s**t.
Erin: This has the potential to go really f**king wrong.
Erin is rubbing off on Bryce, and we reckon it's f**king romantic as s**t.
They bond over the fact they both think a chopping board is a paddle. TAKE NOTE PEOPLE. This is what real love looks like.
But back to Jono and Clare - because we all know their complete and utter demise is imminent. Jono has been living in his doona-less house, ghosting his television wife, and now he is about to be confronted.
Clare calmly explains that as soon as stuff got hard, Jono bailed. Jono says that it's hard to have a conversation with someone that, you know, spoke all the time.
We're pretty sure this is the most aggravating encounter of all time, but the violins are trying to tell us that it is sad. Our emotions are very confused and we just want Bryce to yell "road trip" again so that everything is okay.
Rather than attending the dinner party, the experts sit in a dark room with the smallest television (we literally don't even know where you would buy televisions that small anymore) and commentate what is really a fairly mundane social encounter.
Tonights episode in an image. Image courtesy of Channel 9.
They are all standing around talking, Mark and Christie mention they live in different cities and Aiken gets full judgmental saying they talk about it too much.
Then Jono turns up. Is he... is he here, to pick up? Surely not. But his face... and his stance. It legitimately looks as though he has come to this fun little shindig to hook up. We're pretty sure he takes a crack at Christie, but Mark stands his farmer ground and Jono backs down.
Is that... is that Clare?!
Here's a taster of the awkwardness. Post continues after video.
Clare goes to say something for the first time all night, and Jono says "she likes overspeaking me."
Anyway, Clare turns out to be the real expert in this situation, describing Jono as "An. Absolute. Prick."
Jono continues to be such a prick that Clare leaves the room, and is soon comforted by Simone. In a feminist victory, Simone supports her, and calmly reassures Clare that this isn't her last chance at love, and it just didn't work out. The sisterhood is strong.
That is until Clare casually drops in that she's a gluten-intolerant vegetarian, and, unsurprisingly, the sisterhood is no longer.
Because, as Simone says, 'Who's vegetarian AND gluten intolerant?!'
Fair point, Simone. Fair point.
The tension between Clare and Jono grows the entire way through dinner. Conflict turns to intense dislike. Dislike turns to hate. And soon enough Clare is literally attempting to drink away Jono:
How much do I need to drink before he disappears? Image courtesy of Channel 9.
Let's be honest, we've all done it.
Erin says it best when she tells the camera, 'F**k me that was heavy'.
BUT THEN - she has a go at Clare. What about the sisterhood?! Ladies, please.
"You use words like 'he threw a temper tantrum', but he's been very very respectful of you. He's never said one ill word about you since we sat down," says Erin.
Has he? Has he Erin? Clare calmly explains that Jono is VILE and the girls end up agreeing with her.
But then, in the plot twist NO ONE SAW COMING, Clare and Jono work out their differences and live happily ever after.
That definitely does not happen. But tomorrow night, the three remaining couples (four if you include John Aiken and his lady friend psychologist - amirite?), meet the in-laws. Sure, they already met at the wedding, but don't let that get in the way of some manufactured entertainment. Everyone's crying. Erin says something ominous. Farmer Mark and Christie are definitely having issues about the whole living-in-different-states thing.
But one thing's for sure: Clare and Jono are never, ever, EVER, getting back together. (Ever). And Dutchie couldn't be happier.