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The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode one: Don't invite your ex to your wedding.

HOLY CRAP WE’RE SO EXCITED.

For what feels like eternity we’ve heard about a mystery “runaway bride”.

We’ve seen someone drop their ring down a toilet. We’re very concerned about a woman who has a clock stuck somewhere in her body and apparently it’s ticking and everyone can hear it. How embarrassing…

We open on sad music and it’s all so perfect because there is no tragedy quite like being single.

We hear voice overs like “I’m just sick of the dating scene…” and “all my friends are married and that’s when it hits you even more. You’re single. You have NO ONE.”

Jesus that sounds horrible, we’re so sorry.

Of course, this is the show that aims to change all of that.

Listen to Clare Stephens and Laura Brodnik explain the best and worst moments of Married At First Sight on The Recap.

The producers remind us about Zoe and Alex. REMEMBER THEM. THEY HAVE A BABY NOW!

It was love at first sight...Image via Channel 9.

Except hold on a minute...

Zoe and Alex are one couple from three seasons which featured at least four couples each.

Wait a f*cking minute...
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THEY ARE NOT GOOD ODDS. IN FACT THEY ARE BAD ODDS.

But we shan't let basic mathematics or scientific theory get in the way of the best show on television.

This season is VERY different to the others before it. You see, all the contestants (participants? Victims?) will all live under the same roof. And there won't be a handful of couples. There will be 10.

The men and women meet in separate mansions, kind of like The Bachelor but with less Instagram models.

The women look each other up and down because all women are obviously bitchy and competitive. When Cheryl, a young, attractive woman walks in, another woman says to the camera, "why has she had to do this experiment?" because apparently beautiful people can't be single.

Cool.

Over at the mansion with the men, we're reminded why all the women in the other mansion look so terrified.

Jonathan begins every sentence with "being an entrepreneur..." and we quickly realise that if we drank every time he said it we would actually die and that's no fun at all.

At one point, he's on the phone and he literally says, "Was there anything else holding up the Springfield deal?"

WE DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS A REAL TRANSACTION. IT'S NOT VERY PRIVATE.

Springfield is obviously a place from The Simpsons and not one of your 'deals.'
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Speaking of one-dimensional stereotypes, we also meet this guy:

"They didn't pay me enough to wear this cowboy hat."

His name is Sean and he works in the mines.

Over at the female compound, Cheryl is overheard stating her deal breakers. "He needs to be taller than me," she says, and we can't stress enough how much she's going to be paired with someone shorter than her.

It's just a fact.

Jonathan incidentally mentions he couldn't be with someone taller than him. Ladies, we believe we have our first match.

There's another guy named Mike, who speaks like a robot, and seems to be the person the producers were talking about when they sold us Australia's Pickiest Man.

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But his preferences aren't that absurd! Just good teeth, nice skin, pretty smile... little ears. Wtf.

He says he needs someone who's "fit and healthy" but what he really means is someone who's "hot."

He appears to have a nervous tic, and when he runs out of things to say he just starts yelling "TRAINING. TRAINING. CARBS. PROTEIN. TRAINING. I LOVE TRAINING."

To which we ask, and this is a question directed at an entire generation of people; 'training for what?'

Our face when anyone talks about training.

EXCUSE US THE GIRLS ARE ALREADY MAKING EACH OTHER CRY PLS.

The twins accidentally called Cheryl 'Shrek'. Something about a Scottish Princess bla bla bla we weren't listening and we only started paying attention again when Cheryl said, "Like don't call me Shrek... it's rude." SO TRUE.

Ok, enough drama. It's time for the matches.

EXPERT MATCH ONE: Sean and Susan.

Oh. Ok.
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Pros:

  • Both work "on/in the mines."
  • Both down to earth.
  • Seem like genuinely good people.

Cons:

  • Live on opposite sides of Australia.
  • It's assumed Susan will move, although "that may be a very difficult decision for her."
  • This show is sexist AF.

EXPERT MATCH TWO: Jonathan and Cheryl. 

Yep.

Pros:

  • Jonathan likes attractive women.
  • Cheryl is an attractive woman.

Cons:

  • Cheryl wants someone who wants her for more than how she looks.
  • Also, everything.

The couples then have to tell their families they're marrying a complete stranger on national television, but it's clearly not the first time they've told them because personally we'd be slightly put off by dozens of cameras in our house for no reason.

So everyone does an awkward "oh, what! You're marrying a stranger! How unexpected!" and it's uncomfortable.

But Sean, who works "on/in the mines" in remote Queensland, only has his friend Don to tell. And...we have a theory about Don.

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We think maybe... that Don doesn't know who Sean is.

"...Congrats?"

Don makes fun of Sean for marrying a stranger and it's kinda mean and he says good luck but we're not sure he really means it. Not to mention that there's no sign of Don at the wedding...

We digress.

Cheryl is stressed. She doesn't know who she's marrying. In hindsight this was a bad decision. Her father is violent and wearing a wig.

"Dad...where'd you get that knife?"
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But Cheryl has other things to worry about. Important things.

"What is he's a ranga?" she asks her friends. "Nothing against it, but it's not my thing."

Yes, what if he's a ranga? Never mind if he's a potential axe murderer, or if he's the kind of person who claps at the end of movies. NEVER MIND THAT.

"...what if?"

As Cheryl's limo approaches the ceremony, she bluntly shares her observations.

"They're nerdy," she says.

"It was funny but now it's not funny," agrees her dad. "He's small."

Nothing has ever needed to be said more about a person.

Nonetheless, Cheryl fake-marries this person, because when you have reservations, it's best to just jump in and do it anyway. The ceremony is awkward because Cheryl and Jonathan don't know each other, and their only priority was height, which was ignored.

At Susan's wedding, she's cracking onto the celebrant because it looks as though her groom may not show.

HA-HA KILL ME.
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There's intense music. A friend tells Susan to "just smile, babe." Things aren't looking good. But then Sean arrives on a horse and it's all ridiculous until...this:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

Okay this isn't a... gimmick. These two humans have just met their soul mates. They're really...nice to each other. Susan even overlooks the fact that Sean says "'til death do us apart."

Meanwhile Cheryl and Jonathan are getting photos together and can't stop complaining. You've been married for less than five minutes. This isn't a good sign.

Cheryl has flat-out lied about her height, which is the sort of thing you can't really lie about for very long.

OH, and back at Susan and Sean's wedding, they've just worked out that they live on opposite sides of the country. And they're completely unsurprisingly disappointed.

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Give us a microphone and call us experts - because we SAW THAT COMING.

OKAY PAUSE. WE'RE ABOUT TO MEET THE STAR OF THIS EPISODE, NAY, THIS SEASON OF MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT.

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This be Emma.

She is definitely the ex/current girlfriend of Jonathan. And she hates Cheryl.

She asks Cheryl if she was nervous about the wedding, while fiddling with her earring, which I think we can all agree is the universal symbol for 'I hate you.'

One of the producers (who deserves a f**king Walkley) asks Emma if she thinks Cheryl and Jonathan's relationship will last.

She responds, "Yeah...nah," with the maturity of an eight-year-old. She simply says, "no," when asked if the experts did a good job, and then adds, "I don't think she's the perfect person for Jon, because the perfect person for Jon is already out there."

outlander fan theory
YES.
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SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HERSELF AND THIS IS BRILLIANT. WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS. WE LOVE YOU EMMA.

Cheryl gives precisely zero shits, because she knows she's hot AF, and she doesn't really like Jonathan that much anyway.

A fight ensues, involving Emma confiding in the camera which was definitely a really smart thing to do. Cheryl's sister overhears Emma slagging her sister off and yells "DON'T JUDGE SOMEONE BY THEIR BOOK!" and we cannot anymore because this is just so good. 

Cheryl still doesn't care, and Emma appears to be literally running around the wedding creating drama (weloveyou).

Jonathan asks "what happened?" acting as though he definitely didn't create this entire situation by INVITING HIS EX who is clearly still in love with him to his fake marriage with a stranger. EUGH.

Meanwhile Susan and Sean have fallen in love which is all well and good it's just not that interesting to watch.

Ok.

They go back to hotels together and as hard as the cameras try, they fail to film anyone having intercourse.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

You can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Facebook, here.

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